We’ve all wanted to “reach out” metaphorically and literally to shake down the people on dating apps who’ve ghosted us and ask why they did what they did. But since that’s not socially acceptable—or even possible right now, thanks to social distancing—comedian Hannah, @TribalSpaceCat on Twitter, decided to give us a solution.
Like any good company’s marketing department, she reached out to her exes and provided them with a helpful “dating exit survey” asking them why they left her on read. And listen, if I wasn’t a completely spineless noodle I’d send this out myself.
Calling All Digital Exes
To be fair, what else could they possibly be doing right now? That game of COD or the new Animal Crossing can wait since clearly, this is the chance of a lifetime.
She Brought Out A Freaking Scale
If you can’t be bothered to reach across the couch you’ve been sitting on for the past 18 hours to message a potential partner, then it’s time to face the music. And the music sounds like the friendly “click” of your mouse on a scale.
I Would Hope For F) And Get A) Every Time
Hannah really covered all bases here. Not only is she sussing out potential cheaters, but she’s keeping an eye out for people who are still interested in her. That’s a 360-degree approach that I respect.
I Personally Would Love To See The Hulk Hogan Costume Photos
If you have photos with your ex-boyfriend, Tinder definitely isn’t the place for them, but Instagram might be? The jury’s still out on that one, but Hulk Hogan costumes are a tried and true selling point.
Hannah, I Have Questions About Why You’re Sending Biceps Pics
Let’s put it in perspective—if a dude sent you a sweaty flexing biceps pic, would you like that, or would you be immediately stressed out that he’s going to ask you to exercise with him (a terrifying prospect)? I know what I’d say.
If You’re Gonna Take This Blunt Survey, You Can’t Check “Maybe” At The End
It would be a waste of yours and Hannah’s time if you decided to click “maybe” at the end of all of this. You already fessed up about the Hulk Hogan thing, you might as well be honest.
Like Any Good Survey, Hannah Lets You Give Feedback
This is the best part of the survey, because you know the “apology” part is going to rile someone up and they’re going to respond with terrible grammar and a sarcastic dig. I’m just waiting.
She Actually Got Apologies (My Ex Would Never)
There’s one very real one and one very sarcastic one here (called it). First of all, dude, you’re the one who ghosted her, so she “didn’t feel wanted” because of that. Get out of here with that blame game energy.