Your Marriage Probably Didn’t Last If You Didn’t Ask These Questions First
What you learn from marriage is that you never stop learning: not about your partner, not about who you are, not about your relationship, and not about the future. In that sense, marriage is a gamble, so your best bet for making it last is learning as many of the answers as early as possible.
If you want to save yourself some heartache down the line, you should make sure you and your partner are on the same page and know what you're getting into. If you didn't cover these bases first, it could be why you didn't last.
How It All Started
It all started when Twitter user @cxkenobxkerry, pointed out the important question we should be asking ourselves before we decide to spend forever with a partner.
Her points will push you to reflect and realize that love is simply not enough—there is a lot more to consider about yourself and your partner's compatibility, from energy to religion.
"Talk About Debt"
Everyone has debt, and it's okay. What matters is that you're both aware of how much you owe, how much of each other's debt you're able to take on, and how that will affect any future plans you might have.
You need to have a plan in place for how you're going to repay your debt, or else your debt could sink the relationship (and your partner's credit score).
Commit To One Another
"FULLY and WILLINGLY committing to one another. No 'I'm not sure' and 'what if's' and 'it's not the right time.' You are either in or you're OUT."
Of course, it's hard to predict how your feelings might change, but nonetheless, in marriage, you're promising to put in the effort and do everything in your power to devote yourself to that one person and be willing to love them forever.
Talk About Kids
"When/how many kids y'all want? (adoption? are one of you infertile?)"
This isn't the kind of topic that you can "feel out" and figure out as you go. If you're still unsure, then you should wait until you decide. Nothing will be more heartbreaking than if one of you craves having children down the line and the other one is opposed to it.
Get Tested And Be Honest About Your Health
"Talk about STDs. Get checked. Seek medical help/informed professional knowledge. Keep those tests up to date and find ways to do so even within the marriage."
It's not embarrassing to get checked; in fact, it's encouraged. You never know what kind of underlying health conditions it might reveal. The earlier they're diagnosed, the better the chance you have of tackling them.
Ask Them Where They See Themselves In 5–10 Years
"Talk about your 5–10 year timeline regarding career/education. Can you move? Willingness to relocate?"
You don't need to have the whole rest of your life mapped out, but you should at least have some sort of idea on what you'd like to accomplish, where you'd like to go, and who you'd like to become. This will allow you to determine if you'll always continue to walk the same path, or if your paths will eventually clash.
Discuss Your Beliefs And Values
"Levels of religiosity. Openness to growth? Lack thereof? Do you share fundamental CORE beliefs about life? VERY important."
You don't need to both take on the same beliefs, but are you willing to allow each other the freedom to practice whatever you choose with no judgment or expectations? And which set of beliefs will you pass on to any children you have?
How Do You Channel Your Anger And Emotions?
"Anger management issues: does one of you struggle? Are you in therapy for it/taking it out on others? Seek help, because it will destruct you and the future and the children...."
No one is exempt from therapy. You could even try couple's counseling just to make sure you're not avoiding any underlying issues that might one day resurface and explode. Make sure you know how to communicate and read each other in a healthy way.
Figure Out What Kind Of Energy You Both Put Out
"Energy. Does it match? You decide. Follow your gut."
It's natural to take on a partner's energy. That means if they are constantly cynical and you're cheery, they'll project onto you and you might take up their demeanor. The vibes you put out are deeper than a personality quirk, and they speak to how you react and deal with life.
Do Your Expectations Match?
"CLOTHING: it may seem like a small problem, but small things eventually ADD up. Make sure your expectations MATCH one another to full comfort."
The range of these expectations should go from the smallest everyday choices, like what they choose to wear to meet your family or go on date night, to how they build their routine (chores, hobbies, etc.).
Do You Share The Same Intimate Desires?
"Sexual compatibility. Not going to go into details, but y'all need to be on the same playing field. Consent-wise, willingness to try things, traumas, etc... figure it out."
Pleasure should be shared, and you're both entitled to it in whichever ways make you feel best. The real question is whether you are both willing to do what the other person desires, and how far you are comfortable going. You don't want this part to get stale, boring, or have you looking somewhere else down the line.
How Do You Plan On Splitting Bills?
"Finances: how do you intend on splitting bills? Gender roles? Taking the parents in during old age?"
Some prefer prenups, while others choose a joint bank account. There's no single right way to do this, but make sure your choices are not pressured, are fair, and are what will benefit you both the most.
Will You Match Each Other's Growth?
"Age doesn't matter too much. In my experience, it’s about the person & what their world views are. If you are young, make sure the person you’re with will allow you to keep growing at your own pace and in your own way. It’s called respect."
You don't need to always come to the same conclusions, but are you willing to be patient, admit when you're wrong, and learn from each other?
What Are Your Boundaries With The Opposite Gender?
"Set what's okay. What’s not okay. Hugs/handshakes/etc. I know it sounds tribal & trust should be there, but you’d be surprised what people’s boundaries are. Better to know than not know."
This is how you avoid possessiveness, jealousy, and insecurities. It may not seem like an issue now, but if it's not addressed, it is likely to build up.
How Much Are You Willing To Share On Social Media?
"Believe it or not, people WILL break up over this. Some prefer privacy. Some not. Get on the same page or you'll be clowning on one another."
This doesn't mean one is right and one is wrong, but it's all about comfort. Are you okay if your partner never posts about you? And is your partner okay with you sharing a daily couple's picture?
Get On The Same Page About Your Savings
"How much do y'all have earned and combined? How much are your intended salaries? Is it sustainable? Apartment? House? Condos? Speak futuristically if it’s not something you can afford right now."
It's a matter of ensuring you'll be able to sustain the kind of lifestyle you both desire and that you won't end up blaming each other if you don't achieve it.
How Do You Define Cheating?
"What is cheating? Entanglements? Define your breaks? Breakups?"
Emotional cheating, for example, tends to be vague. Cover your bases and set clear boundaries now to avoid getting hurt later—now they'll know you'd consider them flirting at work as cheating.
Where Do You Draw The Line In Arguments?
"Physical and verbal abuse: what is and isn't considered abusive language and decorum? Seek help, please. Professionals can always step in."
Make sure you speak to each other respectfully, because if you're already calling each other names, swearing, or yelling in the heat of the moment now, it'll only get worse with time.
What Happens In The Event Of Death?
"What are your dying wishes? Burial proceedings? What if one of you becomes paralyzed? Godparents? Uncertain events? Death? Speak it. Speak on all of it."
No one wants to consider this, but it's a fact of life, and you need to prepare. Make a will if you need to, and get insurance. Make sure you're protecting each other for the worst-case scenario.
Are You Willing To Push Through The Bad Too?
"Importantly, LOVE is not what keeps relationships going. An active commitment to LOVE, despite the downfalls, keeps it going. Get out of the princess-king happily ever after mindset and you'll be fine."
As hard as it is to admit, marriage isn't only based on love. Love is the foundation, but the areas we just covered build the understanding, trust, and effort to make it last.
Do You Love Them For More Than Their Achievements?
"I want everyone to notice how I failed to mention level of education, family or tribal background, ethnicity, job level, & all. It's because none of this matters in the long run. Trust. You ain’t a good person based off superficial attributes."
Love can easily be mixed with lust and infatuation. Before you get married, ask yourself if you truly know who your partner is, where they come from, and where they hope to go. Marriage is loving someone with the good and the bad, and letting go of the past to focus on building the future together. Are you willing to take all of them and not just the pieces you like?
