Why You Need To Stop Blaming Your Ex

You probably think that you have good reason to blame your ex. They have caused you so much hurt that it’s only fair to hold them accountable for it. You’re right, but you’re also wrong.

Blame can only take you so far before it starts to hurt you instead.

Blame Keeps You From Learning From Mistakes

books raining over man sitting in the middle of paved road
Photo Credit: Dmitry Ratushny / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Dmitry Ratushny / Unsplash

If you don’t learn from your mistakes, you’ll just repeat them over and over again and create a toxic pattern for yourself.

Mistakes range from having missed red flags to having gotten too comfortable, but the only way you’ll recognize them is if instead of blaming your ex, you sit yourself down to really analyze what went wrong.

Blame Makes You Hold On To Negative Feelings

Woman holding on to heart made of string lights
Photo Credit: Bart Larue / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Bart Larue / Unsplash

Blame is like a big bubble full of negative emotions such as anger, bitterness, and resentment that might explode at any moment. All these emotions would be overwhelming for anyone to bear for too long.

They could even manifest as chronic pain physically, emotionally, and psychologically. Holding onto blame isn’t worth your own health.

Blame Gives Up Control Of Your Life To Your Ex

two hands almost touching
Photo Credit: fotografierende / Unsplash
Photo Credit: fotografierende / Unsplash

By blaming someone, you’re giving up your autonomy and handing all the power to them. You are telling them that they are not only the cause of how you feel but also still in charge.

Instead of robbing you of your personal power, acknowledge that although they might have been the initial cause, they no longer hold power over you. Only you control what happens next and the amazing life you can have.

Blame Keeps You Stuck In Time

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Photo Credit: Aron Visuals / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Aron Visuals / Unsplash

If you’re wondering why you can’t let them go, even though they hurt you so much, this is why.

Blame almost makes time stop. It makes your whole life now revolve around this thing your ex did and how it ruined your life. It keeps you from being able to see the past so that you actually move on and be happy again.

Blame Makes You The Victim

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Photo Credit: Ava Sol / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Ava Sol / Unsplash

Instead of being someone’s victim, consider yourself someone’s survivor. They hurt you and there you still are, thriving on the other side, and a better and stronger person because of them.

Thank goodness you got out before things got worse.

Blame Taints Any Good Times You Shared

woman hiding her face in bed surrounded by memories from poloraids
Photo Credit: Ian Dooley / Unspash
Photo Credit: Ian Dooley / Unspash

It wasn’t all bad, there was a time when the two of you were happy and you saw them as a good person. Isn’t it better to continue to look at the person through that lens and let them move on with their life while you both cherish and thank each other for the memories you shared?

Or is better to continue to make each other’s lives a living hell just because you’re no longer together?

Blame Keeps You From Taking Any Accountability

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Photo Credit: Nadine Shaabana / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Nadine Shaabana / Unsplash

All I’m saying is that it takes two to tango. Even if they are the cause of the final breakup, unless you’re an angel straight from heaven above, chances are you made your own set of mistakes in the relationship as well.

The sooner you realize that, the quicker you can forgive both of you.

Blame Keeps You From Seeing The Big Picture

hands cover woman's eyes
Photo Credit: Ryoji Iwata / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Ryoji Iwata / Unsplash

This is just a moment in time, and it will pass like every other moment. Wouldn’t you rather that it pass by quickly so that you can move on to a better moment? Every moment counts because together they will lead you onto a new path.

You should be excited about what might come of the future now that you have a blank slate to build on without the toxicity of your ex.

Blame Is Nothing But A Temporary Escape

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Photo Credit: Daris Bashar / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Daris Bashar / Unsplash

Blame is a temporary escape from painful feelings and shortcomings such as grief, emptiness, fear, and insecurities.

The sooner you face it rather than trying to escape it, the sooner you can actually move on from it. Escapes are like vacations, they’re great in the moment, but then you back home to a much emptier back account, and 10 extra pounds.

Blame Makes You Weak

woman holds pink flower while her hair covers her face in bed
Photo Credit: Ava Sol / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Ava Sol / Unsplash

Not only does it make you weak, but also powerless, and it makes the person you are blaming appear more powerful. The weakness is due to the fact that even though they might have broken you, you’re unable to put the pieces back together.

One day, this will all feel like a distant, meaningless memory and you’ll be glad you picked yourself back up and moved on.

Blame Protects Your Ego

close up of man's hazel eye
Photo Credit: Taras Abbat / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Taras Abbat / Unsplash

In a way, blaming is a form of social comparison. When you blame someone, you paint them as “the bad guy” making you superior because you’re a “better” person, and that makes you feel good.

In reality, we’re all human and we all make mistakes.

Blame Doesn’t Give You The Space To Take Care Of Yourself

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Photo Credit: Roberto Nickson / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Roberto Nickson / Unsplash

Blaming is actually draining. It takes so much energy to be angry at someone, and all the energy you should be spending on yourself is redirected towards someone underserving.

Instead, use the energy from anger to your advantage. Talk it out, or go for a run. Whatever you know helps you.

Blame Makes You Pre-Judge New Dates

man and woman sit across each other on a date
Photo Credit: Cotton bro / Pexels
Photo Credit: Cotton bro / Pexels

You might think you’ve completely moved on feelings-wise from your ex and are ready to date new people, but for as long as you hold on to blame, you will continue to project it unto those new people.

You might subconsciously expect them to repeat the same kind of behavior as your ex, and even sabotage something that might be good before it even starts.

Blame Means You Don’t Have To Be Vulnerable

woman laying in bed covering her face
Photo Credit: Yuris Alhumaydy / Unspash
Photo Credit: Yuris Alhumaydy / Unspash

Naturally, you’re afraid to be vulnerable because you’re afraid that’ll risk you hurting yourself again. However, in a way, that means that you blame yourself and that some part of you thinks if you maybe had been more careful, then maybe things would have turned out differently.

Being vulnerable is the way you’ll get through this. It’s how you’ll open up about how hurt you feel, and it’s how you’ll learn to love someone else again.

Blame Causes You To Take It Out On Other People

woman points finger in blame
Photo Credit: Stephan Seeber / Pexels
Photo Credit: Stephan Seeber / Pexels

Your pain doesn’t give you an excuse to go around tearing others down. You might not notice yourself doing it, but holding onto resentment can make you irritable, cold, untrusting, and just give you a bad attitude.

Pain doesn’t give you a free pass to act like a jerk—even if you don’t mean to be one.

You Can’t Change The Past

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Photo Credit: Caleb George / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Caleb George / Unsplash

What is blame really giving you? Is it allowing you to rewrite history? Is it the secret to a time machine? No and no. What happened happened, and as much as it’s unfortunate, it’s better to accept for it what it is rather than to expect blame to change anything about it.

You Can’t Change Someone Else

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Photo Credit: Henri Pham / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Henri Pham / Unsplash

Is blaming your ex going to make them become a better person just to escape your wrath? Are you expecting them to come begging for forgiveness at your feet? Both are highly unlikely.

Blaming them and making it apparent might make them feel a bit guilty, but change will only come when they’re willing and ready to work on themselves.

Focus On What You Can Control

woman rests hand on her cheek and looks away
Photo Credit: Marco Testi / Usplash
Photo Credit: Marco Testi / Usplash

The only thing you can control after a breakup is how you handle it. You can take as many days as you want to cry in bed.

Yet, you also need to focus on your reaction, your perspective, and the steps you are going to take to feel better. Those are the things within your control.

The Wounds Are Still Under The Blame Band-Aid

woman's bear back has bandaided flowers
Photo Credit: Taisiaa Stpak / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Taisiaa Stpak / Unsplash

Blame is just a Band-Aid. It’s a way to channel the hurt and pain you feel through anger because anger is easier to deal with. Eventually, the Band-Aid comes off and the anger fades, but the pain and hurt are still there.

You can only keep recycling it into anger for so long before you just need to give up and face your feelings for what they really are.

Blaming Is Easy, Forgiving Is Hard

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Photo Credit: Lina Trochez / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Lina Trochez / Unsplash

The most rewarding things in life are often the hardest. Just remember that you’re not forgiving your ex to ease their guilty conscience, and forgiving them doesn’t excuse whatever they did to you. Forgiving them is only a favor to yourself.

Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life. It doesn’t erase the past but looks upon it with compassion so that you can live the life you deserve.