Why Quarantine Is Making You Miss Your Ex, And Why You Shouldn’t Text Them
It is never a good idea to impulsively text your ex, ever. I'm not saying you should never text them, but, especially during quarantine, you need to really think about why you want to, how it will play out, and if you're ready to handle the possible outcomes.
More often than not, you'll quickly realize that it's a really bad idea.
Why Do You Miss Your Ex So Much? More Time On Your Hands
Basically, it's because you're bored in the house and in the house, bored. Dr. Marny Lishman, psychologist, explains that since people have a lot more time on their hands, they are experiencing a lot of different emotions at once.
"Many people are feeling lonely, scared, worried, frustrated, bored, and fearing the unknown," she says.
It's A Time Where You're Reflecting More
This is a time where people are reflecting more because they can, or because they have nothing else to do. "Especially if you're alone, you're more likely to think about past attachments," says Clinical psychologist Stephanie Morrigan.
"It's mostly loneliness...but I think it's about reconnecting with something that was significant in your life. Like a sense of renewal or affirmation."
You're Looking For Stability In Uncertain Times
Being stuck at home means that you feel a loss of control. You no longer have options, and that can feel unstable. Especially because you're uncertain about where it's going or for how long. So you long for a person that once represented stability and consistency for you. Someone you felt safe with because they knew you really well.
Blame Netflix For Reminding You Of The Good Times You Shared
If you're looking for something to blame, blame Netflix! It is one of the most common sources of entertainment that people are relying on while at home, since they can't network or go to the gym.
Netflix is full of shows and movies where there is at least one romantic plotline that gets you reminiscing about the times you had, which can make you wish you had them again.
It's Not Just Happening To You
Rest assured that you're not crazy for having this impulse. Many people are finding that without their daily activities and social ties, they're going back to bad habits, like exes.
But also, everyone has a basic need for human contact, and someone you shared a romantic relationship with is one of the most intimate and deep ways to connect, so it's natural that you miss it.
Your Ex Is Your Ex For A Reason
When you begin to think about texting your ex, remind yourself that they're your ex for a reason. Unless one of you has significantly changed—to the extent that meeting them again would be like meeting a new person—you're likely to encounter all the same issues again.
Remember That Really Frustrating Thing They Did To You Over And Over? Time To Remember Again
A good way to get rid of this impulse is to remind yourself of every little annoying habit that almost made you want to punch a wall. You can even physically write it out to visualize it.
Doing this is called a "negative emotional stack." It's a way of a listing of all your ex's negative qualities to gain perspective on the bad, the fights, and the ways they disappointed you until you feel "repelled."
Living In The Past Prevents You From Moving Forward
You can only move backward or forward, otherwise, you're just stuck, and that leads nowhere. All the work that you've done so far to move on, find yourself, and be okay again without them can be swept away with one text.
If it doesn't go well, you'll have to heal your heart all over again.
Why Settle For Someone Who Couldn't Get It Right The First Time?
Do you bring the trash back inside after you take it out? No. Once it no longer serves its purpose to you, you toss it and you never look back.
We're not saying all exes are trash (although most are), but when something expires, it's best to leave it and look for something better.
The Way You Feel Now Is Not The Same Way You Felt During The Relationship
Right now you're lonely, maybe a little sad, and nostalgic, so you're only thinking of the good times you shared. It's making you feel a certain type of way.
Compare this feeling to the way you felt towards the end of your relationship or the way you felt during the breakup. Why go back to all that pain when you can keep on moving forward?
Do You Miss Them, Or Do You Just Miss Having Someone?
A lot of the time, it's not even your ex that you specifically miss, but the feeling of sharing your day to day with someone, having someone to say good morning and goodnight to, and cuddle all night. You know how it goes.
Guess what—you can do all those things with anyone, and they don't make your ex very special.
You Might Just Miss The Person You Were Around Them
There's a single version of you, and there's a relationship version of you. Even though you're the same person, being with someone changes the way that you live your day-to-day, and depending on the person, it brings out different sides to you.
Maybe you miss the way you were carefree and full of passion. The good news is it's just the feeling that you miss and not your ex, so there are so many more ways you can bring those things out.
There Are Ways For You To Feel Loved And Wanted
We obviously all want to be loved and desired and all that, but who says that's all in the hands of one other person? Don't give one person that power. You have friends, you have family, you have passions, you have nature, and most importantly, you have yourself.
Rely on the above to find love instead of a person who couldn't even love you properly.
Give It Time, The Feeling Will Pass
You know how the saying goes: "time heals all wounds." It's an expression that basically means that time is like magic, the more of it that goes by, the further away you step from things that hurt or bother you.
So, even though you miss your ex today and want to talk to them, if you just wait it out, it'll eventually go away.
You're Trying To Find Meaning In Life
In the time of an existential crisis, people will feel a sense of nostalgia for what used to be important to them. While for some people, they might just really miss eating at a restaurant, others reconsider their romantic relationships.
They need to find meaning to the chaos, so they think if they just find love again, that'll surely give it meaning, right? No.
Think Of How Your Ex Is Going To Interpret You Reaching Out
Okay, so there are two ways this could go. Yes, there's the possibility your ex will be happy to hear from you. Yet you have to remember that this might just be because they're bored and lonely too.
Or, they might not reply or give you a negative response back, which will just end up making you feel worse. It doesn't really seem like it's worth the risk.
Remember, It's Not Other People That Make You Happy
Do you know what really makes you happy? You. This doesn't mean you have to be happy by yourself all the time, but another person won't make you happy.
Time away from the person can change your perceptions of them, but the person still hasn't changed. That means when you do actually see them again, you might not get that "happy" feeling anymore if the same issues resurface.
It Might Just Resurface Pain You Already Got Over
If you cave into texting your ex again, you're opening your heart up to the possibility of rejection and getting hurt. There's no telling that your ex will be receptive.
So as much as you think texting them will make you feel better because you miss them, having a virtual movie night with your best friend might do the trick instead.
It's Likely To Be A Waste Of Time And Energy
Even if they do respond and you carry on a conversation, then what? Unless you both have the intention of getting back together and have truly changed and grown, it's likely going to be just that. A conversation. Time filled and wasted. Emotions resurfacing in vain.
Think of the many more productive ways you could be using your energy, like finally doing one of those YouTube workouts and working on a six-pack.
There Are Plenty More Fish In The Sea
Your ex isn't the be-all and end-all. Yes, at one point they gave you feelings of security, stability, and comfort that you miss now. Until they didn't.
Someone else can give you that and do a much better job of it. Maybe it's time to try online dating again. I mean, why not, it's not like you don't have the time!
