What It Means If He’s Benching You, And Why It’s Time To Quit The Team
If you thought that benching was only something that happened to the worst players on the little league team, get ready to learn. Turns out “benching” is also a dating term, aka another way for someone to let you know they might not be interested in you without having to actually tell you.
In the 21st century of modern, digital dating, men are not only out here bragging about how much they can bench at the gym, but they’ve got their own roster of women on the bench as well.
What’s The Conventional Type Of Benching?
The concept of benching is pretty easy to understand, and you’re probably familiar with it even if you’re not really into sports. If you get benched, you don’t get the chance to play in the game but you’re still expected to show up and give support for your team.
No One Likes To Be Benched
If you get benched, you’re probably not thrilled about it unless you’re the kid on the team who didn’t want to be there in the first place but whose parents still forced them to show up.
Put Me In, Coach
There’s only so long that you can keep someone on the bench before they start to get restless. That’s when the coach has to decide between crushing their spirit by letting them know they’re not going to play, or giving them a chance.
So How Does This Work For Dating?
When it comes to benching your players in dating, the bencher—let’s call him Jake—has his roster, like any coach. Jake keeps a couple women in his rotation so he can use them if or when he needs to.
“I Wouldn’t Sit Around On Someone’s Bench!”
Did you just tell yourself that? The thing is, Jake may have benched you without you even knowing it. You could be sitting on someone’s bench right now and not even realize it.
A Ghost Of The Past
If you’ve tried digital dating, there’s a 99% chance that you’re familiar with ghosting. Your conversation with someone is going along as normal, maybe not the most exciting thing but you’re holding out hope, then they disappear.
Gone With The Wind
Suddenly they’re just gone. Maybe they blocked you on Snapchat or unmatched with you on Tinder, or they simply stopped responding to you. You write it off as a bullet dodged and move on, with little closure as to why it happened.
Why Do People Ghost?
Ghosting stems from people not wanting to be confrontational. Rather than telling you to your face that they’re not interested or sending you a message saying, “Hey, this isn’t working out,” they ghost.
They’re Not Sparing Anyone’s Feelings
They’ve convinced themselves it’s better to cut someone off rather than having to hurt someone’s feelings, but anyone who has been ghosted out of the blue could tell them that it can still hurt.
So What’s The Difference Between Ghosting & Benching?
The two concepts are still intertwined. Benching will often start with a temporary period of ghosting, or someone starting to pull back from you. You might sense that it’s coming, or it’ll come as a surprise to you.
Then The Rotation Starts
Jake transforms into the boy who DMs you occasionally on Instagram or sends you a Snap on a Saturday night after a few weeks of radio silence. Every time you think he’s gone for good, you get that little bit of communication or interaction that keeps you interested—or at least keeps you aware of him.
You End Up Spending A Lot More Time Alone Than Together
Outside of social media or texting, there's probably a lot of rescheduling. You finally found a time to go out together on a Friday night, but then something comes up and it turns into a midnight hookup instead, or you end up rescheduling the same date for weeks until you give up.
Benching Isn't Always Intentional
Jake may not even realize that he's keeping you on his roster even though you want him to cancel your contract, or you might not realize it's happening until you've already sat out a whole season.
Maybe You're Just In A Time Out
Another way that benching can be used is if a person wants to put someone in a time out. You did something that they didn't like, or you got into an argument but they're not quite ready to let you go completely, so they bench you.
Is It A Bad Thing?
There's more than one way to look at benching. If they're intentionally stringing someone along, then yes you could say benching is a bad thing, but there's also a positive side to benching.
Some Would Argue Benching Is Actually A Good Thing
It’s still a newer term for the dating world, but some say that benching is actually a healthy way of dating, that you’re supposed to play the field (who knew sports and dating were so related?) and explore multiple options at once. Isn’t that what dating is?
It Comes Down To Intention
While it could be said that benching is simply a part of dating, the caveat is that people tend to bench someone even if they’re not interested anymore, rather than letting them move on.
Benchers like Jake string someone along with the occasional slap on the butt (they do that in sports, right?) even though they’ve already decided who their starting lineup is.
How To Know If It's Time To Quit
You might be reading this and realizing that you're sitting on someone's bench right now, and you want off the team. If you're not interested in being on someone's roster anymore, you have to take matters into your own hands and quit the team.
Don't Trick Yourself Into Thinking You're Going To Get To Play
The biggest thing to remember when it comes to benching is that they've put you on the sidelines for a reason. Don't trick yourself into thinking that something could happen just because they send you the occasional text or sporadically comment on your Instagram.
Go Be Someone Else's Star Player
It may not be what you want to hear, but if you're sitting on someone's bench, it could be for any number of reasons, from them losing interest to them not being willing to commit right now. Whatever the reason, it's not your problem to manage.
