What Is A ‘Foster Girlfriend’ And How To Know You Might Be One
There is a special kind of agony that comes from seeing your ex be happy, even if you know breaking up was the right thing. I'm not saying you're petty about it, but it does sting a little bit to see someone excel without you in their life. Arguably, you're better off too, but it's hard to remember that.
By Now, Most Of Us Have Seen This Tweet
Many of us feel a little called out because we know what it's like to be that girl!
It makes you think back to all your romantic entanglements and wonder if you, too, were the last person they were with until they found someone "better."
What Is A Foster Girlfriend?
Urban Dictionary, the only real source for these things, defines a foster girlfriend as, "A girl who dates a guy until they find their 'forever home.'
Please note: Sometimes this isn't by choice."
Of Course, This Doesn't Just Happen To Women
It's worth mentioning that no matter what someone's gender or orientation is, they could find themselves in a situation where they are the foster "girlfriend."
Basically, what we are looking at in some form or another is a "situationship." No one is immune to those.
This Isn't A New Idea
Maybe the term "foster girlfriend" is a new thing, but the idea is something that's been alive and well for a long time. Like, hello, 500 Days of Summer? Sex in the City? Bridesmaids?
All these films feature people who were in relationships and who don't commit to them but have no problem committing to someone else.
It Doesn't Just Happen In The Movies
Think about the times in your life you've been into someone and hanging out with them, but they were flakey and wouldn't commit to even being your boyfriend?
If it hasn't happened to you, you're lucky, but surely it's happened to a friend?
To Be Fair, It's Not Always Super Toxic
We do have to be fair and admit that sometimes these foster girlfriend situations happen because life is weird like that.
You could be in a good relationship with someone for a while and then outgrow each other only to find out that your recent ex is committed with someone new.
Either Way, It Blows
It very often feels like you put in all the emotional labor and reap none of the benefits from the wisdom that comes with a broken heart.
What happened to all that stuff Taylor Swift songs wad have you believing?
So, What Can We Do About It?
To a certain degree, we have to accept that sometimes these things are going to happen because risk will always be involved in letting someone into your life romantically.
We can't control people or guess how they are going to act.
But There Are Some Things You Can Do To Protect Yourself
Luckily, there are certain things that you can do as you learn to date smarter that might protect you from falling into that foster girlfriend trap.
Especially because, for some people, it happens a lot.
Try Not To Be Too Eager
I'm not telling you not to get really excited about the new romantic interest in your life, but I am suggesting taking things a little slower than you might be used to.
Suss out the situation and make sure that there is an actual future there.
You Don't Want To Get Taken Advantage Of
Letting yourself get swept up in the emotions of being with someone new will make it easy for you to ignore any red flags about longterm consequences.
Besides, it takes a little bit of time for the snakes to come out of the grass. You can't be too careful.
Don't Combine Your Two Lives
I can't stress this enough: Even if only for your own sanity, make sure you have your own lives.
Of course, you're going to want to spend a lot of time with someone new you're seeing, but keeping time for yourself and still making time for friends and family will help you maintain perspective.
Make Sure You Talk About What You Want
This seems kind of obvious, but so few people, myself included, talk about what we want from a relationship beyond the first couple of dates.
But keeping those lines of communication open is going to help you see if this person is willing to commit to you or not.
Always Listen To Your Gut
Your instincts are usually right about these things.
If you feel like you're being used, or you just feel like this relationship isn't going anywhere, chances are you're probably right.
Pay Attention To What They Say
Being in a foster relationship comes hand in hand with a lot of specific languages.
The biggest phrase that you should turn you off immediately is if someone you're involved with "isn't looking for anything."
I Promise You That's A Lie
The hard truth is that they probably just aren't looking for anything with you.
That doesn't mean that they don't care about you. I'm sure in their own way they do.
But That's Not Enough
Protecting your heart should be your number one priority.
Chances are that if you are with someone who won't define something or doesn't share similar values, you're going to end up as a foster girlfriend.
It's Not Your Job To Change Someone
It's true that someone you had a situationship with may change and grow, and they will be in a situation to be in a serious relationship.
But that doesn't mean that everyone you have that kind of relationship will. The worst thing you can do is start dating someone and hoping you'll change them.
And Most Importantly, Don't Settle
Now it's time to get a little cheesy.
You are worth committing to and loving without condition. If you're with someone who makes you feel like either of those things aren't true, then they're not the person for you.
We Can't Control Everything That Happens
Sometimes, it just happens in life that you put a lot of effort into a relationship that doesn't work out. That doesn't always mean you've been played or should have had more of a backbone. Sometimes, it's just how the cookie crumbles.
But for all those other times where you do find yourself involved with a f***boy, know the signs so you can send him back to the orphanage.
What To Do If You Find Yourself In That Situation
Unfortunately, being a foster girlfriend might be something that you didn't realize you were until it has all blown up in your face, and now you're left to pick up the pieces.
Know that you can get past it.
It Can Be Hard To Move On From Being A Foster Girlfriend
First, you should know that it's probably going to be difficult at times, which makes sense.
When you end up in a situation like that with someone, it makes you question yourself, too.
You're Definitely Not Crazy For Finding It Hard
You're not crazy or overly emotional for finding this hard to deal with.
It is going to take some time and patience and a lot of self-care, and not every day is going to be good.
It Totally Wasn't You, It Was Him
You should also know that when these things go down, it isn't you, it's them.
Yeah, it takes two to tango, but in these situations, it's generally a lot more him taking advantage of you.
Be Honest With Yourself About What The Relationship Was
You also have to stop romanticizing that person and that relationship and see it for what it was: a really bad and potentially toxic situation that needed to end.
These relationships never turn out well.
Stop Talking To Them Altogether
One of the easiest ways to move on from any breakup is to cut off all communication.
It doesn't have to be forever, although it probably should be, but no contact for the duration of your healing is the right decision.
Take The Time You Need To Move On
There is no timeline for these things.
You have to be able to give yourself the time that you're going to need to move on, and only you know that and are in charge of that.
Obviously, Indulge In Some Of That Good Self-Care
Make sure you're taking care of yourself through this emotional process.
Get enough rest, drink the water you need, make sure you still see your friends and family, and even let yourself go for that post-breakup glow up.
Remind Yourself This Is Not How A Relationship Is Supposed To Be
When you're having a bad day, remind yourself that relationships are supposed to be enjoyable, mutually loving, and supportive.
They're not supposed to be the way that this one made you feel about yourself and dating.
You're Going To Feel Better Again Soon
More than anything else, know that you're going to be feeling better soon.
When that time comes, you'll be able to look back on all of this and make sense of it.
In The Meantime, You Can Enjoy Some Of These Tweets About Breakups That Are Super Relatable
When you're having a particularly bad day, this is a good thing to remind yourself.
You might not be handling your breakup the best, but you could be taking it a lot worse.
It Better Be A Strong Prayer
The want to text our ex is sometimes so overwhelming that we have to give in to the temptation.
Most of the time, we realize after a few texts why we stopped talking to them in the first place.
You're Finally Free
Breaking up with someone is sad, sure. Do you know what is sadder, though?
Staying in a relationship that is stopping you from reaching your full potential. You have to be that bad b***tch you know you are.
Petty And Effective
This would be funny, especially if you send that happy birthday text more than once a year.
You can't be offended if your ex tries to use your tactics against you, though.
Keep The Online Stalking To A Minimum
We all want to keep tabs on our exes. That's basically what social media was invented for.
It's important to show some restraint, though. All it takes is one wrong move, and you've embarrassed yourself.
If You See Them, Remind Them How Cool You Are
Running into your ex when you're not expecting it can be so jarring.
You never look as cute as you want to, and you have to try and pretend that you're the best version of yourself.
They Just Take And Take
It's one thing to break up with someone, but it's another to change your Netflix password.
That means that that relationship is over, and they no longer care about what you're watching on Netflix these days.
Let The World Know You're Doing Fine
People who are going through a breakup are the ones who post most frequently on social media. They need everyone to know they're doing just fine.
It's a tie between them and the social media influencers.
Own That Breakup
If you're the one breaking up with someone then you own it.
You've made the right choice for yourself and you're going to follow through with it. Good for you!
Dating Is Always A Gamble
After a certain number of breakups, you start losing faith in dating.
You try some dating apps and rebound relationships, but they don't fill the void. You might as well work on self-love instead.
