This Is How I Don’t Get Attached Anymore And It’s Freeing

I used to be the type of woman who couldn’t help but fall hard, and fast, every single time. I blamed it on being loving and a cancer sign, or on simply being with the wrong person.

Then I realized I was the problem. I was completely in control all along but I didn’t even realize it. Now I’m here to tell you that it’s possible for anyone to stop getting attached and live freely. Here’s what I realized.

I Got Attached Out Of Fear

woman peaking from under the sheets in bed
Photo Credit: Alexandra Gorn / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Alexandra Gorn / Unsplash

I realized that I got attached because I was scared of releasing. Releasing meant that I had to change, adapt and trust the unknown.

My fear prevented me from being able to go with the flow. Even when someone was wrong for me, I attached myself to them to feel some type of constant.

I Attached Myself To All The Wrong Things

woman with sunglasses and red lipstick poses
Photo Credit: Laura Chouette / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Laura Chouette / Unsplash

I used to crave stability and security, so I would attach myself to partners and things that I knew would stay stagnant.

Then I learned that staying stagnant is boring and it holds you back. Life was flying by me and I was still just doing the same thing every day.

I Was Settling For Less Than I Deserved

Woman Hugging Her knees and resting her head on her legs
Photo Credit: Rafel Barros / Pexels
Photo Credit: Rafel Barros / Pexels

I was a people pleasure and too afraid to ever say no. Unfortunately, I was too afraid to say anything that would risk disturbing the routine I was comfortable with.

I avoided fights, confrontations, and took the easy route when making big decisions. I settled and accepted receiving less than I gave, all because I was too attached to let go and find better.

Not Everything Is Mine To Keep

Woman at restaurant walking
Photo Credit: Tristan Colangelo / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Tristan Colangelo / Unsplash

The first lesson I had to learn to let go of attachment is that people and things come in and out of your life for a reason. Nothing is forever and too much of a good thing ends can be toxic.

The less afraid I was of losing an attachment, the more I was able to take advantage of what it was offering.

Time Is Meant To Be Lived Moment By Moment

lighting note with
Photo Credit: Eugene Shelestov / Pexels
Photo Credit: Eugene Shelestov / Pexels

I used to attach myself to partners by visualizing what our lives could be ten years down the road. I couldn’t let go of them because I was afraid I’d miss out on a future I hadn’t even lived yet.

Instead, I learned to make the most of my time with partners moment by moment and released the pressure of always needing to be ten steps ahead.

I Stopped Sharing My Deepest, Darkest Secrets

man and woman crossing the street and talking
Photo Credit: Katerina Holmes / Pexels
Photo Credit: Katerina Holmes / Pexels

No matter how intense a relationship felt from the get-go, I made a conscious effort to slow it down. There would be plenty of time for me to give the details of all my baggage and be vulnerable.

It made more sense to give little by little in order to receive just as much. That way even if I eventually got attached, it would be to the real version of me.

I Imagined My Life Regardless Of My Partner

woman hugging herself in the grass
Photo Credit: Diego Rezende / Pexels
Photo Credit: Diego Rezende / Pexels

When I am in a relationship, I still know that I would be okay without it. I took the time to figure out what it was that I wanted out of life, with or without a partner.

I made it so that a relationship would only support the path I was already on. I was attached to my goals first.

I Faced My Insecurities

Photo Credit: Cotton Bro / Pexels
Photo Credit: Cotton Bro / Pexels

Attachment is an emotion that often leads back to some sort of insecurity. For me, it was fear of abandonment.

Coming from divorced parents, I engaged in codependent relationships hoping that it would somehow prevent the same fate as my parents.

I Was Clear About My Needs

man and woman sit at window talking
Photo Credit: Gary Barnes / Pexels
Photo Credit: Gary Barnes / Pexels

To do this I first had to differentiate between my wants from my needs. I want a house with a pool, but I need loyalty. Then I made sure I only surrounded myself with those who would be able to fulfill those needs.

I also made sure I reminded myself I didn’t need someone to be happy, I just wanted or liked being in a relationship.

I Spent A Lot Of Time By Myself

Man sitting on cliff
Photo Credit: Tim Bogdanov / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Tim Bogdanov / Unsplash

I used to be afraid of being alone so I would hold on to people just so they could fill the space. Silence was uncomfortable.

Then I realized I couldn’t be happy with anyone until I was happy by myself. Otherwise, I just put too much pressure on them and let them define my happiness.

I Fixed The Settings On My Devices

browsing phone images
Photo Credit: Plann / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Plann / Unsplash

My phone and social media played a big role in my attachment. I used them to stalk my exes or try and figure out if my crush was online and ignoring me.

So I obstructed my means of attachment. I disable read receipts and turned off notifications so I would have to manually check them.

I Dated Multiple People At Once

man and woman sit at table drinking wine
Photo Credit: Cotton Bro / Pexels
Photo Credit: Cotton Bro / Pexels

I’m not saying go on a dating rampage and play into all the games. Dating multiple people was a learning experience for me. It allowed me to learn what I was looking for.

Having multiple options also meant that I could pick and chose rather than settle and attach myself to the first sign of interest.

I Stopped Blaming My Nature

Woman standing by mirror with eyes closed and hands up
Photo Credit: Anastasia Shuraeva / Pexels
Photo Credit: Anastasia Shuraeva / Pexels

I used to blame being a cancer sign on being emotional, blame my attachment on my loving nature and my inability to move on from love.

It’s not until I took accountability for my feelings and thoughts that I realized that I was in complete control of them.

The Two Text Rule

woman smiling and looking at phone texting
Photo Credit: Jhsua Rodrifyez
Photo Credit: Jhsua Rodrifyez

Another trick that helped me is the two-text rule. I will not send more than two texts without a response.

This showed me who was equally attached to me and worth my attachment, and who wouldn’t give me the time of day if I didn’t always initiate it.

I Separated Love From Attachment

Couple and their dog on the ground
Photo Credit: Olya Kobruseva / Pexels
Photo Credit: Olya Kobruseva / Pexels

I was conditioned to see attachment and love as inseparable. I thought I could only love if I was completely attached and that someone who wasn’t emotionally attached could never love me.

Then I realized loving someone without attachment is actually the purest form of love. It showed they loved me for me, not because they needed me.

I Existed Before, I Will Exist After

woman smiling with balloon in park
Photo Credit: Ava Motive / Pexels
Photo Credit: Ava Motive / Pexels

The biggest lesson I learned while detaching is that every time I meet someone that I’m at risk of attaching myself to, I am still me. I am fine before I meet them, so I’ll be fine again if I ever have to be without them.

My life existed before them so why should I attach myself so much as to fear that my life will stop without them?