Things That Married Couples Want You To Know Before You Say I Do
Wedding season is upon us and whether you're one of the eager brides and grooms about to say I do or one of the countless guests who will be dropping sentences of advice into wedding guestbooks, this article is for you.
Married people of the internet came together with their words of wisdom, helping craft this list of advice they want you to know before tying the knot. The first thread posted to r/AskReddit asks, "Married couples of Reddit, what advice would you give to an engaged couple?" While the second one says: "Redditors married for 10+ years, what advice do you have for Newlyweds?" Keep reading for the best answers.
The Point Of Arguing Is Not To Win, It Is To Understand Where They're Coming From
Manateebae said: "The point of arguing is not to win, it is to understand where they're coming from and why this issue matters to them." The comment received thousands of upvotes.
In response, iconoclastic_idiot said: "Disagreements are best dealt with when viewed as the two of you versus the problem rather than fighting one another."
Anger Is Not An Excuse For Bad Behavior
Any relationship is going to have rough patches. It's how we navigate them that can either strengthen or weaken our bonds.
Reddit user questfor17 says: "Anger is neither a reason nor an excuse for bad behavior. You will get angry, you will fight, but you should never insult, indulge in name-calling, throw things, or hit them. If you cannot or choose not to control what comes out of your mouth when you are angry work on that first, get married second."
Communication Is Key Especially When It Comes To Finances
A comment left by Ounceofwhiskey is packed with advice, especially for couples who will be moving in together for the first time.
"Getting used to sharing everything can be difficult for some but good communication is key to making things work. Discuss finances. Finances are one of, if not the, biggest reasons for failed marriages, so get on the same page early and stay there."
Once You Get Married Your Spouse Becomes Your Family And Your Family Become Your Relatives
Redditor johnthestarr shared how someone once told him: "Once you get married your wife becomes your family and your family become your relatives."
The post continues: "Really helped me through any stressful family gatherings, knowing we had each other's backs, being our own team."
Disagreements Are Not "You Vs. Me" They Are "Us Vs. The Problem"
Unfortunately, this comment comes from a deleted account, so we can't give someone proper credit. But before they disappeared into the void of the internet, their comment received over 7k upvotes.
The comment says, "Happily married 27 years here," and shares some of the things that the user has learned, including, "Disagreements are not you vs. me. They’re us vs. the problem." As well as, "Sex is important. It’s not everything. But it’s important."
Intimacy Can Take Many Shapes And Forms
Directly replying to the former comment about sex being important, but not everything, nighthawk_something says: "I would put it as 'Intimacy is important.' Intimacy can have whatever shape it needs to be satisfying to both of you in that moment."
Intimacy can look and feel different for people at different times in their lives.
Clean Up After Yourself—Your Partner Is Not Your Maid Or Servant
In a more blunt post, user jevole says "[Expletive] clean up after yourself."
People online agreed with the post, and Pinkie365 responded "This. Do not fall into the cycle of letting your spouse do all the housework. They are your partner, not your maid or parent."
Marry Someone Who Is Your Best Friend
One Redditor admitted they would like to share their advice as a widower.
DeanSmartin said: "My wife recently passed away from breast cancer, so I'm not technically married, but I have this advice...marry your best friend. The one you like to have random conversations with, that interests you. The one that makes you laugh a lot. The one you can spend all your time with. The one who will support you in tough times and vice versa. You know...The One."
"Don't Mistake 'Alone Time' With 'I Don't Want To Be With You' Time."
Redditor tjfraz explained that they have been with their partner for 14 years, and married for three of those.
Their advice is that "it's okay to spend time alone together. Quite often, one of us will play video games, read, watch TV, etc. while the other is occupying their time doing something else in the same room or another. Don't mistake 'alone time' with 'I don't want to be with you' time."
You Are A Team, Act Like It. Especially In Front Of The Kids
Putting on a united front is important when it comes to parenting and overall life decisions.
Coolest_Breezy's advice is: "You're a team. Act like it. Especially in front of the kids."
Have Two Comfortable Places To Sleep
Another comment from FatuousOocephalus says: "Disagreements happen. Find a middle ground. There is always a middle ground. A lot of times the middle ground presents itself after a good night's sleep."
The post ends with a final piece of advice: "Have two comfortable places to sleep. It will come in handy during disagreements but they're a godsend if someone is sick, has allergies, and snores."
It's Not Always Going To Be A 50/50 Partnership
Things are not always going to be equal give and take in your marriage. After all, our lives are characterized by constant change, and we can't always be the best version of ourselves.
Reddit user EatPizzaPizzaPizza points out: "It's not a 50/50 partnership. Each partner has to be ready and willing to put in 100% when the other partner cannot. Sometimes you have to give more and the books may never balance out AND that's OK!"
Alone Time Is Just As Important As Quality Time
It's always important to have some time to yourself now and then. Redditor MsLiz535 commented:
"Know that you cannot be everything to your spouse. Allow them 'alone' time where they can regroup or enjoy a hobby. When they greet you, they will be recharged and ready to enjoy time with you."
Be Honest And Open About Communicating—Do Not Be Afraid Of Discussion
Redditor DsDaisy says: "Your SO cannot read your mind. If something is wrong, talk it out. Don't let the fear of discussion poison your relationship. Be kind, be honest, and be the one who loves the most."
Again, communication remains instrumental in a healthy marriage.
Sometimes Going To Bed Angry Is Acceptable
One of the oldest pieces of wedding advice that gets tossed around is "never go to bed angry." As it turns out, for many married couples, that's not always the case.
Redditor SuperTFAB said: "It's ok to go to bed upset. Sometimes you just need some sleep." In response, user Batticon said: "I so, so, so agree with this. Sleep lets you rest and have a clear mind the next day. You very likely may wake up and realize the argument was silly anyway."
"Communicate, Be Patient, Build Each Other Up. Also Sex."
There are some things in life that are simply easier when you work with someone and form a team.
Redditor PootieMagoo says: "Realize you are a team and act accordingly. Communicate, be patient, build each other up. Also sex." Of course, sex.
Do Not Compare Your Marriage To Other Married Couples
A popular post from another mysterious [deleted user] says: "Your marriage is your marriage, not anyone else's. Don't try to compare your marriage to other married couples.
The post continues: "It's ok to spend time apart and have separate interests. Understand that you both will continue to grow and change as people. It's ok that you are not the exact same person as when you got married."
Don't Take Your Partner For Granted
One commenter, DonQuijote911, said: "Do not take each other for granted. The little things go a long way." Something as simple as making a meal or doing the dishes can have an impact.
In response, Redditor ObscureCulturalMeme posted: "You can't just 'win the girl' and then coast. Relationships take effort. Or more specifically, relationships are worth effort. The things I do for my wife take time and are not always easy, but I do them gladly."
You And Your Spouse Are Not Responsible For Each Other's Happiness
Reddit user TMG1053 posted a long list of advice based on their own marriage experience.
One of the most important pieces of advice on the list was: "Your spouse is not responsible for your happiness and you are not responsible for your spouse's happiness." While it's incredible to have someone help lift your spirits when you're down, they cannot be your sole source of happiness all the time.