Your New Year’s Resolution To Try Online Dating Is About To Be Destroyed With These Fails

Look, no one signs up for Tinder thinking that it’s going to be a walk in the park. There are people in the world who have found their partners on Tinder, and while we don’t know any of them personally, it happened to a friend of a friend and that’s basically the same thing.

What none of us are ever really ready for is how much of a garbage dump it can be sometimes, messaging with guys on Tinder. Take a scroll through these fails from Tinder Nightmares and let them serve as a cautionary tale.

Thank You I Think?

if i was a giraffe id slap my neck against 1000 other giraffes to gain dominance over the herd and make you my giraffe queen
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares

I’m sure that there is something in there that is meant to be a compliment, but it is way too buried under the fact that this person tried to give it using giraffe beating as a metaphor.

Maybe Block David

will you put your feet in my cabinets for an art project
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares

I’m obviously not an expert in who to avoid given my dating record, but I would probably block David and make sure you never speak to him again for the sake of your feet at least.

You’ve Never Seen Pears…?

you ever had a fresh grape? Ive had fresh apples but never had a fresh grape, never had a fresh cherry, never had a fresh pear, never even seen pears in grocery stores. Fruit is strange no?
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares

How have you never seen any pears in a grocery store before? They’re one of those fruits that are somehow mysteriously in season all the time even though there is no reason that’s possible.

That’s Certainly A New One

hey hey! You're so hot that if you ate bread youd poop out toast
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares

You have to love it when someone approaches you with a pickup line you’ve never heard before, but there is a line in the sand. Simon has crossed it and come back again and went back over the line a second time.

They Probably Do, Lucas

you are so beautiful im sure even your farts smell good
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares

Whenever someone messages something like this, I always wonder what kind of response they’re hoping to get. Like, does he want to be invited to smell someone’s farts up close and personal?

Whatever Floats Your Boat

i want to cover you in green paint and spank you like a disobedient avocado
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares

Listen, we aren’t here to judge. Whatever floats your boat is fine as long as everyone is consenting. But how is an avocado capable of being disobedient? That’s what I want to know.

Just Cutting Straight To The Point

 can i borrow $50
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares

If there is one nice thing that we can say to Evan, it’s that he’s direct and you don’t get that a lot in the modern dating world. You also don’t get a lot of people asking you for money, but here we are.

We All Want To Know, Matthew

what if one day you woke up and you were a chicken nugget?
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares

A lot of us spend a lot of time wondering what it would be like to be something or someone else, but we are stuck with the lives and bodies that we have.

Good For You Wally

one time when i was younger i went to the store and bought a big bag of beans
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares

The obvious answer to this question is asking what it was that Wally ended up doing with all those beans. I might also ask how he ended up with the name Wally.

Gee, Thanks Gordon

you look like the girl who always dies first in horror movies
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares

Gordon has that special way with the ladies where he thinks if he makes them feel bad about themselves they’re going to want his approval. That’s only going to work short-term Gordon! We’ll get sick of it.

That’s A Loaded Question

do you ever get so drunk that when you wake up the next morning youre surprised to be alive
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares

It’s hard to answer this question because you’re probably going to expose some pretty vulnerable parts of yourself. Do I get blackout drunk “on occasion”? Yeah, I do, but I don’t want to talk about it.

They’re Both Guilty Here

haha... were related!
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares

I know that we want to think that Dalton is being a total weirdo, and he is. But we have to keep in mind that they’re both guilty parties because they matched with each other.

That Depends On Where We Go

hey would you let me take you shopping and maybe lick your feet after?
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares

If you ever meet someone who says that they haven’t thought about sending pictures of their feet for money then they would be lying because we have all been there.

At The Same Time?

Wild question: What would you say if i told you that cutting a woman's hair turned me on and that I wanted to trim yours? Also, I challenge you to a move quote competition.
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares

It actually might not be a bad time to have your haircut for free and have a movie quote showdown at the same time. You wouldn’t have any awkward small talk.

That’s A Rude Question

how much do you weigh
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares

Of all the things that you could ask someone first, maybe asking them how much they weigh is not the best thing to lead with. If you have to ask, you’re probably not going to like the answer.

What Did We Just Read?

im a literal lunatic i have no idea what im doing but i got a dope room full of glow in the dark stickers and a couple of bottles of salsa if you wanna throw them at me and ruin my carpet
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares

Every once in a while you’re going to get a message that is going to make you question if you’re living in the current reality or if you’ve been transplanted to somewhere called crazy land.

Did He Think That Was Going To Work?

you look like the naughty girl i need. response: you look like the kind of dude whos messages i read to all my girls and we laugh at
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares

At least she is being honest about what this is going to be for her. He really should have thought twice about sending a message like that if he wanted a genuine response.

Lets Hope He Gets The Point

people communicating in only emojis
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares

If you can’t even be bothered to use words to ask a girl to hook up with you, then you don’t even really deserve a response. She was being generous, really.

Who Else Is Singing Chingy?

holiday inn 2 am. Response: Lol you're delusional if you think thats going to happen
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares

I would really love to know if that has ever worked for him, because honestly, it’s so cheesy and no one who has any sense is going to go to a Holiday Inn at 2 am.

This Is A Tough Question

hey would you rather slap a dog or sleep with me?
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares
Photo Credit: Instagram / @tindernightmares

Now he’s really setting us up for failure here because there is no right way to answer this question, is there? Unless he would accept a simple neither, thank you very much.