Where To Draw The Line On A Love That Hurts

Once you care about someone, it’s so hard to leave them. You ignore red flags over and over and stay in bad relationships hoping that something will change. But there’s a line that you need to draw so you can save yourself before that kind of love completely ruins you.

Set A Limit To Justifying Their Behavior

man in suit counts on his fingers
Photo Credit: Thirdman / Pexels
Photo Credit: Thirdman / Pexels

Yes, we all have bad days, but how many days of them taking it out on you will you take before you say that’s enough?

Actually set a number so that you can weigh whether this is a habit they won’t likely break, or if it truly is an off moment they’re going through just this one time.

Get Rid Of The Image You Painted In Your head

man uses paintbrush and has paint all over him
Photo Credit: Alice Dietrich / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Alice Dietrich / Unsplash

They say that the mind can rationalize anything and paint any picture of a person depending on our initial impressions of them.

The brain then creates what they call the “confirmation bias,” where we get rid of all evidence that doesn’t align with our views and only keep the bits that do. Ask yourself, are you seeing them for who they are? Or for the false-positive first impression you created?

They Call You Names When You Fight

Man pointing finger in anger
Photo Credit: Caig Adderley / Pexels
Photo Credit: Caig Adderley / Pexels

There’s a healthy way to argue, and there’s a toxic way of trying to win an argument by putting the other person down. It doesn’t matter how great they are the rest of the time, if fights bring out an aggressive side in them, then this is likely a part of them that will gradually come out in all aspects of the relationship.

Get out because it will only get worse.

They Keep Pushing Your Boundaries

woman pushes white wall
Photo Credit: Brooke Cagle / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Brooke Cagle / Unsplash

They want to see how much they can get away with. It might not fully be intentional, but they stop doing chores here, they stop being affectionate there, and all of a sudden, the relationship becomes all take, and you don’t even know where to begin to ask for your own needs to be met anymore.

Put your foot down as soon as you notice.

They Constantly Need To Know Where You Are And Who You’re With

man leans against the window while on his phone
Photo Credit: Thom Holmes / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Thom Holmes / Unsplash

Jealousy and possessiveness might come off as endearing and a sign that they care…at first. In reality, it’s their way of keeping tabs on you and gaining power over you. It leads to trust issues and controlling behavior.

Make sure that you assert your independence and autonomy from the beginning. You’re both allowed time apart, and as long as you’re loyal, you should be able to do whatever you want.

They Blame You For Being Upset

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Photo Credit: Cotton Bro / Pexels
Photo Credit: Cotton Bro / Pexels

If your partner pushes you to “just get over it” or demeans your feelings by pointing out that you’re too emotional or needy, then they’re simply acting out and deflecting the blame.

It’s a defense mechanism where, by making you feel bad for being upset, they put the onus on you to do the work to feel better without them taking any accountability or apologizing.

You Don’t Recognize Yourself Anymore

woman stands at watches herself in the mirror
Photo Credit: Taylor Smith/ Unsplash
Photo Credit: Taylor Smith/ Unsplash

This starts out gradual until the day you look in the mirror and you don’t even know who you’re looking at anymore. While it’s okay to share interests and be encouraged to go to the gym together, they shouldn’t be hogging all your time and dictating your diet, either.

Practice your hobbies and see your friends. Those are the things that will still be there if the relationship doesn’t work out.

You’re Too Afraid To Ever Say No

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Photo Credit: Nadine Shaabana / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Nadine Shaabana / Unsplash

Whatever the reason, whether it’s because you don’t want to upset them or you feel pressured, there is no limit on how many times you can say no, or what you say no to.

If you catch yourself saying yes against your better judgment, ask yourself why. Would the right person expect you to say yes just to please them at your own expense?

Sarcasm Has Become Their First Language

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Photo Credit: Pablo Merchan Montes / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Pablo Merchan Montes / Unsplash

Sarcasm in itself can be witty and funny. However, when overused, it tends to hide the truth. Rather than them straight-up insulting or making fun of you, they mask it as a joke and expect you to laugh at it and not be upset.

“It was a joke, babe” can only go so far, especially when the joke speaks down to you, is critical, and you’ve communicated to them that it bothers you.

They’re Dismissive Of Your Feelings

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Photo Credit: Allef Vinicius / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Allef Vinicius / Unsplash

Both your excitement and your anger are important. They need to be present for both. Watch out not only for when they dismiss you when you’re upset, but also for when you try to share something good with them and they don’t react positively.

The things that make you happy need to be given equal value and be celebrated too.

You Feel A Need To Constantly Check Up On Him

woman checks her phone on the couch at night by window
Photo Credit: Mikotoraw / Pexels
Photo Credit: Mikotoraw / Pexels

You’re not sure why, but you just can’t help yourself with this need to always know what they’re up to. You catch yourself looking at their phone when they’re not looking…

Basically, you either don’t trust them, or things are too good to be true and you’re waiting for the shoe to drop. Either way, this isn’t a healthy or fair foundation, and you need to either identify and eliminate your triggers or leave them.

You Keep Waiting For When Things Change

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Photo Credit: Umit Bulut / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Umit Bulut / Unsplash

You can’t live your life hoping and waiting for a better future. Yes, all couples go through a rough patch and that requires patience. But when the bad times start to outnumber the good ones, you need to accept the situation for what it is and not what it could be.

Be grateful for the good times you had, and move on to better things.

You Can’t Agree On What The Future Looks Like

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Photo Credit: Lili Kovac / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Lili Kovac / Unsplash

If you can’t come to an agreement about what you want your future to look like, that’s likely never going to change and will create more resentment down the line. You can’t compromise on everything, no matter how much you love each other.

If you truly do love one another, then you wouldn’t want to limit each other’s desires or goals.

They Have An Unwarranted Sense Of Entitlement

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Photo Credit: Kazi Mizan / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Kazi Mizan / Unsplash

These are the kinds of people who have no problem taking advantage of you and seeing how much of yourself you’re willing to give them. If you’re a generous and kind person, you might fall into this trap thinking you’re doing it out of love.

A healthy relationship relies on equal effort that doesn’t drain you. Make sure you evaluate if they truly deserve how much you give them.

They Lack Work Ethic

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Photo Credit: Nick Morrison / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Nick Morrison / Unsplash

This doesn’t just mean they’re lazy at work, but it reflects in everything they do. They lack basic skills like time management, and you keep finding yourself picking up the slack. Eventually, you start nagging each other and arguing about the same things over and over.

This might be something they have to learn alone, without any dependence on someone else.

You Can’t Keep Up With Their Mood Swings

couple sits far apart on the couch
Photo Credit: Cotton Bro / Pexels
Photo Credit: Cotton Bro / Pexels

We’re all human and unpredictable to a certain degree. However, if their mood changes on a dime and they just flip on you, then there may be an underlying issue that they need to face that has nothing to do with you.

You shouldn’t feel like you need to walk on eggshells just in case this other side of them comes out.

They Keep You Hidden

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Photo Credit: Kate Torline / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Kate Torline / Unsplash

You’re not anyone’s secret. We’re not saying they should be posting a daily picture of you on Instagram. However, it’s pretty sketchy if they never talk about you to their friends, if they won’t introduce you to the people they talk about, and if there’s zero evidence of you on any of their social media.

Often, people will do this as a way to keep their doors open “just in case” things don’t work out, but really, it’s a way of having a foot in and a foot out that isn’t fair to you.

They Hold You To A Double-Standard

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Photo Credit: Sharon Mccutcheon / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Sharon Mccutcheon / Unsplash

How come they don’t like when you have lunch with a friend of the opposite sex, yet when you clearly noticed their coworker flirting with them all hell broke loose? You can’t expect something from the other that you’re not doing yourself.

The two of you might have different expectations about what those standards should be, but neither of you should hold yourselves to a different standard than what you expect of the other. No excuses.

You Feel Like You Need Their Approval

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Photo Credit: Johan Godinez / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Johan Godinez / Unsplash

It starts off with you asking their opinion, then it graduates to you not being able to run to the store without making sure it’s okay with them first.

Everything is on their schedule and according to the way they prefer it, from the way you cook to when you get to see your friends.

You Keep Wondering If There’s Something Better Out There

woman sits by the window while hugging her knees and looks out
Photo Credit: Anthony Tran / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Anthony Tran / Unsplash

If your relationship is hurting you to the point of wondering if there might be something that’s easier or that would make you happier, then there probably is.

Sometimes, it’s better to take that risk and go exploring than to stay and never be sure and develop regrets later. If you leave and regret that, then at least you know for sure what it is that you want.