Signs You’re Dating A Narcissist And Should Get Out Now
You might not have realized it at first, but the more time you spent together, the more that you felt like something was off.
Somehow, nothing was ever their fault, and you found yourself always catering to them and needing to be the bigger person. If this is already starting to describe your relationship, then keep on reading to learn more signs you're dating a narcissist.
At First, They Showered You With Love And Attention
This is actually something experts define as "love bombing." It's almost a way of luring you in by sweeping you off your feet and moving fast in the beginning.
Narcissists also like to be with people who think they are "special," as those are the only people who deserve them and can truly appreciate them. So it's not that they don't actually like you.
They Come Off As Extremely Charismatic People
A narcissist will spend years crafting the traits that they think others will like and that will get them whatever they want. This is a way for them to manipulate and use people knowingly. Just be careful if they seem a little too charming from the get-go.
They Suddenly Turn On You
Sometimes, it feels like a light switch. Everything was fine, and now they're angry at you and you're not even sure what you did wrong.
Rest assured that most of the time, it has nothing to do with you and it's just a way they can feel in control.
They Never Follow Through With Their Promises
They're very good at making lots of promises, but when it comes down to it, they rarely ever follow through. In fact, the only thing you can rely on is that they're unreliable. They constantly bail on plans or go back on their word. They might not even always be emotionally dependable.
They Need Instant Gratification
Some narcissists expect instant gratification because of their self-absorption. They can do this in various ways, such as pressuring you to do things you don't want to. Try saying no as a test to see how they react next time you're trying to spot a narcissist.
Their Needs Come Before Yours
It's very hard to maintain a healthy relationship with narcissists because they always feel entitled and superior to their partner.
"Narcissists see people as objects and often leave their romantic partners feeling more like an accessory than a living, breathing, feeling partner," explains Dr. Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D., chair and professor of counseling at Northern Illinois University.
They Care More About How Your Relationship Looks Than About The Actual Relationship
Narcissists can't tolerate failure, so even if behind closed doors, you are having a lot of issues, they might continue to act like you're super in love in font of others. This is a way for them to maintain their reputation and avoid what they perceive as public humiliation.
They Often Talk Down To You
You'll find narcissists making sly remarks and passive-aggressive jokes. It's a red flag if they are condescending every time you try to share an accomplishment with them.
They might even go as far as to question your worth and outwardly insult you. This is their way of maintaining their sense of power and success.
They Somehow Always Victimize Themselves
This is due to a narcissist's self-centeredness. Every time that they feel like they are in the wrong, they feel a loss of control and power and will refuse to apologize. They will somehow turn it on you until you find yourself apologizing instead.
Constructive Criticism Isn't Necessarily In Their Vocabulary
They do not take criticism well and are likely to either reject it, ignore it altogether, or become outwardly angry and hostile. They do not feel like they need to improve on anything, and the idea that they do can be too damaging to their already fragile self-esteem.
It Is Genuinely Hard For Them To Feel Empathy
The key to spotting a narcissist is looking out for the three E's: Exploitation, Entitlement, and Empathy impairment, according to Dr. Craig Malkin, a clinical psychologist and Harvard Medical School professor.
They have a capacity for empathy, but it is limited as their feelings come first.
They Feel The Need To Be Controlling
Narcissists need to know where you're going, who you're with, when you'll be home, and what you're wearing (which they will always have something to say about).
They "want and demand to be in control, and their sense of entitlement makes it seem logical to them that they should be in control—of everything," wrote Dr. Margalis Fjelstad.
For Some Reason, They Think Rules Don't Apply To Them
They think they are the exception to every rule because they're that special. Narcissists even believe that they are above the law. In fact, they look at any boundaries you set up as a challenge.
They Love To Challenge Authority
The hard part is that a narcissist might refuse their diagnosis and possible treatment because they don't see the doctor as a credible source of authority.
They are just another person in a high position that they feel the need to challenge. Why would the doctor know better than them?
They're A Conversation-Hogger With Anyone Who Will Listen
The more they talk, the more they can show off and validate themselves.
"Narcissists love to constantly talk about their own accomplishments and achievements," says psychotherapist Jacklyn Krol, LCSW, of Mind Rejuvenation Therapy. “They do this because they feel better and smarter than everyone else, and also because it helps them create an appearance of being self-assured."
They Fish For Compliments To Maintain Their Ego
The thing with narcissists is that they try to come off as super self-confident, when in fact, they lack a lot of self-esteem and need others' constant reassurance. For that reason, they need a lot of praise and they will fish for it if you're not already giving it to them.
They Don't Make Any Deep Or Long-Term Friendships
It's very hard for narcissists to maintain a healthy relationship with the feeling of superiority that they have. They constantly feel like they're in competition with their friends, so they lack empathy to nurture their friendships. Instead, they have people they like to trash talk and a bunch of acquaintances.
They Have Huge Commitment Issues Because What If The Grass Is Greener Elsewhere?
They don't want to put a label on it, or they never feel ready for the next step. They fear vulnerability and the risk of losing power. So they want the best of both worlds: they want the benefits of being with you while also not committing in case something better comes along.
They Are So Nitpicky, You Feel Like You Can Never Please Them Enough
It feels like you can never do anything right and that you're never good enough. This is done on purpose.
"Narcissists tend to hold some specific image of what they want their partner to be like and they don't 'challenge you' to grow, they try to force your 'growth,'" says Dr. Degges-White. "What they are really trying to do is control your behaviors and your choices.
The Whole Relationship Just Feels One-Sided
The relationship will feel unfairly one-sided, everything is on their terms and in accordance with their needs and desires. When is the last time they put you first since the wooing stage?
If they are not treating you like you're worth, pack your bags and find someone better.
They Tease You Constantly
They're not nice about it either. They mask it as a joke even though it attacks everything you do, from what you eat to what you wear. They might do it with punchy one-liners or calling you names, both of which likely lower your self-esteem. They're looking for a reaction because they love knowing that they have power over your emotional state.
They Know Exactly How To Manipulate Others To Advance Themselves
They know what they want and they have no problem using others get to it. Some narcissists will even go to the extent of dating someone just to fulfill their unreasonable needs or cover-up their flaws. For example, they might get their partner to let them move in rent-free. Or, they'll want to show off their partner just to make others jealous.
They Project On You What They're Doing Wrong
Projection is a defense mechanism where someone quickly blames other people for their flaws as a way of deflection because their ego is threatened. A narcissistic partner will often accuse you of the things they're doing wrong to avoid exposing their own vulnerabilities and weaknesses.
You Feel Like You Have To Bite Your Tongue To Avoid A Fight
You're constantly feeling the need to be the bigger person, and to be the one to let go when you're upset. You hold back from speaking your mind because it's easier to bite your tongue than to risk setting them off and enduring their wrath. Once they get set off, they become a different person. Rather than hearing you out, they automatically get defensive and attack you instead.
They Don't Know How To Comfort You
A common trait of narcissists is being emotionally cold. That's because they don't do well with emotions and don't know how to process them themselves, so when you're going through difficult times, they don't know how to comfort you. Instead, they check out or become unresponsive to avoid the issue altogether.
You Keep Needing To Justify Their Behavior
You keep feeling the need to justify your partner's odd and often toxic behavior, not only to those around you, but to yourself. You convince yourself that they had a rough past, are going through a difficult time and that they didn't really mean it, or that things will eventually get better. Instead, you should be looking at the patterns and assuming that the red flags will keep on recurring.
They Give Meaning To The Concept Of Gaslighting
If you're being gaslighted, you often don't even realize it as the whole point of it is to make you feel crazy for feeling the way you do. A narcissistic partner will gaslight you by minimizing your feelings and telling you that you're too sensitive or denying an event even ever happened. Somehow you end up being the one to apologize because you're too confused and now feel guilty.
Apology? Never Heard Of Her
For a narcissist to apologize, it means they admit their wrong and acknowledge that they may have flaws or weaknesses...which is not likely to happen. The only time a narcissistic partner is likely to apologize is when they feel like it's the only way to keep you around. At that point, the apology is a very calculated power move to pull you back in and not necessarily genuine.
The Relationship Is At Its Peak Every Time You Think Of Leaving Them
Everyone has a maximum capacity, and just about when you feel like you've had enough and are ready to walk away, they panic and begin to once again shower you with love and affection. Be careful as this is them simply attempting to lure you back in to restart the cycle and it's not likely to last. That's why narcissists are often in on-again, off-again relationships.
Count Your Losses And Walk Away
By now you probably understand that unless they seek out help (which would mean acknowledging their flaws) a narcissist is never going to change their ways of using you, everyone around them, and not loving you in the healthy way you deserve.
You need to put yourself first and accept this. Just be careful because the day you do actually walk away, they will lash out. Their ego will be bruised, and they'll try to hurt you for abandoning them. That's why it's best to completely cut off any means of contact.
They Won't Let You Break Up With Them
Be careful, because leaving a narcissist isn't as easy as walking away. Every time that you try to tell them, they will talk you out of it. They will make you empty promises, get your hopes up, apologize, and pretend to take accountability and keep you prisoner in their toxic cycle.
You might not have a way out other than completely cutting off any means of contact and ghosting.
They Will Lash Out When Rejected
You breaking up with them will feel like a hit to their ego. When they feel hurt, they will try to hurt you back.
Don't give too much weight to their words and actions in this period, as their sole intention is to break you down either enough to get you to take them back or so that you feel worse than they feel.
They'll Put All The Blame On You
Suddenly, they'll forget that it takes two people to make or break a relationship, and they'll blame you for any and every reason possible.
They'll want to make you feel like the relationship failed solely because of you, and that it had nothing to do with their narcissistic character. This is just an extension of their gaslighting ways.
Be Prepared In Advance
You'll find it a lot easier to leave if you already have a plan in place. Depending on how intertwined your lives may be, secure a place where you can move into, have a friend in the know, and separate any joint accounts that you may have. Make it so you can live as independently as possible from them as soon as you leave.
Don't Be Surprised If They Move On Quick
Since so much of a narcissist's ego depends on validation from others, it's quite likely that they go searching for another victim to feed it as soon as you're gone. Their rebound is likely to fall for the same charismatic tactics they once used on you.
Often, the rebound is nothing more than just a temporary fix.
Make Sure To Be Assertive
Narcissistic people are surprisingly actually good at reading people, so they'll be able to pick on any hesitation or panic you feel about the situation and use it against you.
Make sure that you make it clear that you've already made up your mind and that they don't get a say in the matter.
They'll Guilt You Into Reassuring Them
Ironically, even though you're the one leaving them, expect them to come to you asking you to make them feel better about it. They'll flood your phone with novels about how broken they feel without you and make it seem as though they feel like you're their only lifeline.
Feel free to redirect them to the appropriate support system, but do not engage. They're just looking for attention.
They'll Spread Rumours About You
Don't be surprised when your now hopefully ex starts gossiping left and right about you to anyone who'll listen. They'll be attempting to tell a story where they're the victim so that they can get everyone's sympathy and childishly make them pick sides.
Trust that the right people will see through it and stand by you.
They Might Go As Far As Stalking
Even after you've blocked their number and made it clear you didn't want any contact, they might not take no for an answer and still show up at your door, or even at your workplace.
A narcissist refuses to accept rejection and is convinced they can charm you back in.
Don't Be Afraid To Seek Help
Although narcism can affect a person on different scales, in certain situations, it's okay to admit that you can't handle it alone. if you fear for your safety or simply feel upset and need support, don't hesitate to reach out to a friend or even a therapist. They're the ones who should feel bad for mistreating you, not you for needing help to get out.
