Signs That They’re Controlling But You’re Too In Love To See It

It's easy to put your best self out there in the beginning of a relationship, but there are other sides of us that come out later that aren't always healthy. However, it can be hard to recognize the unhealthy traits once you're already committed and feelings get in the way.

So we've made a list of warning signs that your partner might be controlling even if your feelings are clouding your vision.

They Come On Strong, A Little Too Strong

kiss on the cheek
Photo Credit: freestocks / Unsplash
Photo Credit: freestocks / Unsplash

A controlling guy will usually come on strong from the get-go, making you feel very special and flattered with constant compliments and affection.

However, this is a sign of their need for control. They are carefully saying all the right things to lure you in and keep you.

ADVERTISEMENT

They Criticize You For Everything

ADVERTISEMENT
beautiful-blond-hair-blur-daylight-
Photo Credit: Johannes Plenio / Pexels
Photo Credit: Johannes Plenio / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

From the way you dress to the way you wipe the counter, they are using criticism as a way to influence your behavior.

ADVERTISEMENT

The more negative criticism you hear, the more you start to believe it and become helpless and easier to for them to control.

ADVERTISEMENT

They Keep Score Whenever They Do Something Nice For You

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
woman getting flowers
Photo Credit: Jeremy Cai / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Jeremy Cai / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

They want to make sure you know that they went out of their way to pick up milk for you at the store after work so they can hold it against you.

ADVERTISEMENT

If they keep a tally of every time they do something nice instead of doing it out of love, then they are simply trying to get the upper hand.

ADVERTISEMENT

They Guilt You Into Always Apologizing

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
man-in-blue-and-brown-plaid-dress-shirt-touching-his-hair
Photo Credit: Nathan Cowley / Pexels
Photo Credit: Nathan Cowley / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

A controlling partner has a way of always victimizing themselves to the point where even if they're in the wrong, you'll find yourself being the one to apologize over and over again.

ADVERTISEMENT

This is either because you just want the argument to be over or because they've manipulated you into believing you're the one at fault.

ADVERTISEMENT

They Justify Their Behavior

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
hugging
Photo Credit: neonbrand / Unsplash
Photo Credit: neonbrand / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

They believe that they are never wrong, and every time they do something that bothers you—like getting overly jealous or condescending—they tell you it's just because they love you so much and get so worried about you.

ADVERTISEMENT

This is a big red flag.

ADVERTISEMENT

They Make You Feel Drained When You See Them

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
couple in tent
Photo Credit: Jonathan Borba / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Jonathan Borba / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

They just take up all your energy.

ADVERTISEMENT

If you just feel completely drained and exhausted from trying to keep them happy after every date or time you spend together, this is a sign of imbalance and control in a relationship.

ADVERTISEMENT

You're Seeing Your Friends And Family Less And Less

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
woman starring out the window
Photo Credit: Anthony Tran / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Anthony Tran / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

They make you prioritize time with them over anyone else and make you feel guilty every time you leave them alone. Or they don't like your friends and family and get upset with you when you go see them or talk about them.

ADVERTISEMENT

Either way, they're isolating you as a form of control.

ADVERTISEMENT

They Are Full Of Empty Threats

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
man-wearing-white-dress-shirt-with-black-necktie yelling
Photo Credit: Craig Adderley / Pexels
Photo Credit: Craig Adderley / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

They give you ultimatums and threaten to leave you if you go ahead and do something that they disagree with.

ADVERTISEMENT

They are using a fear of a breakup and your attachment to them to control your actions.

ADVERTISEMENT

They Have A "Charming" Way Of Making You Change Your Mind

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
photo-of-woman-in-a-black-sleeveless-dress-sitting
Photo Credit: Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels
Photo Credit: Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

They know the right things to say to influence your decisions.

ADVERTISEMENT

For example, they may give you backhanded compliments, such as telling you that you look hot for a night out without them, but that your skirt is too short, making you feel like you need to change it.

ADVERTISEMENT

They Constantly Push Your Boundaries

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
woman-wearing-teal-dress-sitting-on-chair-talking-to-man
Photo Credit: Jopwell / Pexels
Photo Credit: Jopwell / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

They always want things their way, even if you're not ready or comfortable yet.

ADVERTISEMENT

They insist that you to see them on the day you said you're unavailable, or that the two of you become exclusive before you are ready. And they get upset with you if you say no...until you say yes.

ADVERTISEMENT

You're Their Only Social Life

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
hanging out
Photo Credit: Toa Heftiba / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Toa Heftiba / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

You become their whole world, and they stop hanging out with anyone other than you—and they expect the same out of you.

ADVERTISEMENT

They can't do anything without you being there, even things like cooking, and they expect an invite with you everywhere you go.

ADVERTISEMENT

They Make A Point To Remind You Of Any Mistakes You've Made

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
sad woman
Photo Credit: Kyle Broad / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Kyle Broad / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

They never truly let go. Even after you've apologized and you've both seemingly moved on, whenever you displease them, they're right there to remind you of everything you've ever done wrong.

ADVERTISEMENT

This slowly makes you feel belittled and like you're a failure.

ADVERTISEMENT

They Play Off Being Mean As "Teasing"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
teasing couple
Photo Credit: Pablo Merchan Montes / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Pablo Merchan Montes / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

There is a difference between playful teasing—which is light, cute, and reciprocated—and comments that are actually just passive-aggressive and meant to make you feel bad.

ADVERTISEMENT

Masking it as "just teasing" is just another way they justify their actions.

ADVERTISEMENT

You Feel Like You're Walking On Eggshells

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
man and woman on bench
Photo Credit: Alice Donovan Rouse / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Alice Donovan Rouse / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

If your partner has you feeling like you don't know when or how you could set them off again, they have you under their control.

ADVERTISEMENT

How they react to and deal with your actions isn't your responsibility, even if you're in the wrong. So, you should never feel like you're walking on eggshells just trying not to upset them again.

ADVERTISEMENT

They Have To Check In And You Have To Answer

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
photo-of-woman-using-mobile-phone
Photo Credit: mikoto.raw / Pexels
Photo Credit: mikoto.raw / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

While it's normal for a partner to want to make sure you're okay while out without them, it is not okay for them to text you five times in a row, getting increasingly frantic with each text because you're not responding.

ADVERTISEMENT

This is them stepping on your independence, and it shows a lack of trust.

ADVERTISEMENT

They Get Defensive If You Try To Confront Them

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
man-and-woman-wearing-brown-leather-jackets-
Photo Credit: Vera Arsic / Pexels
Photo Credit: Vera Arsic / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

As soon as you sit them down to try to explain how their words or actions have hurt you, they throw a tantrum and completely shift the focus of the conversation to something completely irrelevant.

ADVERTISEMENT

They get angry and defensive. Anything to avoid taking accountability.

ADVERTISEMENT

They Point Out That You Gained A Few Pounds

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
woman-in-black-tank-top-holding-a-wine-bottle-
Photo Credit: Daria Shevtsova / Pexels
Photo Credit: Daria Shevtsova / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

They point out that maybe you shouldn't eat that last piece of sushi because you're going to get fat and they won't be attracted to you anymore. Or maybe you shouldn't have one more drink because you get annoying when you're drunk.

ADVERTISEMENT

Watch out for the way they spin their controlling behavior as "looking out for you."

ADVERTISEMENT

They Have A Great Sense Of Entitlement

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
man and woman on floor
Photo Credit: Toa Heftiba / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Toa Heftiba / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

Be careful if your partner feels entitled to you doing more for them than they ever do for you.

ADVERTISEMENT

This happens when there's "one person who's feeding the needs of the other person. One person is giving and giving and giving, and the other person gives one back. There's an imbalance," says therapist Shannon Thomas.

ADVERTISEMENT

Their Best Is Always After Arguments

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
couple in bed
Photo Credit: Toa Heftiba / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Toa Heftiba / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

If they are extra sweet and affectionate toward you right after an argument, before going right back to their old ways, they're simply trying to suck you back in so you forget about the argument before they give you a reason to have another one.

ADVERTISEMENT

Their best should be more consistent.

ADVERTISEMENT

They Put All The Blame Of Failed Relationships On Their Exes

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
holding hands in park
Photo Credit: Crew / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Crew / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

Watch out for how your partner speaks about their exes. If they describe their exes as terrible people and refuse to take any accountability for the relationship failing, that's a red flag.

ADVERTISEMENT

They are likely to exhibit the same controlling and negative behavior towards you.

ADVERTISEMENT

Their Love And Attention Are Conditional

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
woman looking out over a park
Photo Credit: Unsplash / A. L.
Photo Credit: Unsplash / A. L.
ADVERTISEMENT

If your partner is making comments about how they might be more attracted to you if you lost some weight or spent more time on your appearance, or about how you're not doing your part in the relationship so they don't know what they're getting out of it, that's a big red flag.

ADVERTISEMENT

These are signs that someone is making their love conditional and something you have to earn.

ADVERTISEMENT

Creating A Sort Of "Debt" You're Beholden To

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
couple sitting on a carousel
Photo Credit: Unsplash / sept commercial
Photo Credit: Unsplash / sept commercial
ADVERTISEMENT

Controlling someone may start really strong at the start of a relationship, but appear like grand romantic gestures like fancy meals, lots of gifts, the use of their space and things when they're not around, etc.

ADVERTISEMENT

These things can be used as a control tactic, specifically giving the expectation that you owe them something in return for being so generous.

ADVERTISEMENT

They're Spying Or Snooping On You Or In Your Things

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
a phone on a pink background
Photo Credit: Unsplash / Viktor Talashuk
Photo Credit: Unsplash / Viktor Talashuk
ADVERTISEMENT

This one is a little more obvious, but if the person you're with has created an environment where it's clear they don't trust you, that should be a huge red flag.

ADVERTISEMENT

A lot of couples get comfortable to the point of sharing their passwords for their phones and so on, but if they're demanding these things from you so they can keep tabs, that's not a good sign.

ADVERTISEMENT

They're Paranoid And Overly Jealous

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
woman looking mad on a bed
Photo Credit: Unsplash / Priscilla Du Preez
Photo Credit: Unsplash / Priscilla Du Preez
ADVERTISEMENT

It can be hard to let go of bad things that have happened to you in the past, but if someone you're dating is acting really paranoid or overly jealous, and that doesn't change with constructive conversations, it's not a great sign for the health of your relationship.

ADVERTISEMENT

This could be a sign of someone who is insecure and is trying to guilt you out of contact with other people, specifically of the gender you're attracted to.

ADVERTISEMENT

They Don't Respect Your Need For Alone Time

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
couple arguing on a bed
Photo Credit: Unsplash /Ayo Ogunseinde
Photo Credit: Unsplash /Ayo Ogunseinde
ADVERTISEMENT

You can love your partner and still need time to yourself. That is a totally normal and healthy thing.

ADVERTISEMENT

A partner who doesn't respect your need for alone time doesn't have a lot of respect for your needs, and this is also a way that they can suck the energy out of you.

ADVERTISEMENT

They Assume You're Guilty Until Proven Innocent

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
couple sitting at a coffee table
Photo Credit: Unsplash / Joshua Ness
Photo Credit: Unsplash / Joshua Ness
ADVERTISEMENT

It's normal to fight with your partner. But if you find that your partner is constantly getting mad at you and assuming that you're always doing something wrong, that's a bad sign.

ADVERTISEMENT

A controlling person is very good at making you feel like you've done something wrong when you haven't.

ADVERTISEMENT

They Purposefully Drag Arguments Out

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
guy looking really frustrated
Photo Credit: Unsplash / Siavash Ghanbari
Photo Credit: Unsplash / Siavash Ghanbari
ADVERTISEMENT

Someone who is controlling knows how to put you in a situation where you get so tired of arguing and fighting with them that you pretty much just let them win every time.

ADVERTISEMENT

This is especially true if your partner is more passive-aggressive.

ADVERTISEMENT

They Make You Feel Stupid For Long-Held Beliefs

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
woman looking out a window
Photo Credit: Unsplash / Kinga Cichewicz
Photo Credit: Unsplash / Kinga Cichewicz
ADVERTISEMENT

It's great to be in a relationship with someone who can challenge you and get you to see new sides of things, but ultimately, your opinion is your own.

ADVERTISEMENT

But when you're with a controlling partner, they don't see it as a two-way street. You're wrong and they are right. The things you believe, your ideas about politics—all wrong according to them.

ADVERTISEMENT

You Have Sexual Interactions That Feel Off

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
woman lying on a bed looking sad
Photo Credit: Unsplash / _Mxsh_
Photo Credit: Unsplash / _Mxsh_
ADVERTISEMENT

This one can be a little hard to pin down sometimes, but if you're having or had a sexual interaction with your partner and something about it made you feel uncomfortable, especially if it's a common thing you feel you can't discuss with your partner, that's usually a sign that something is wrong.

ADVERTISEMENT

The two of you should be communicating about what you're comfortable with and how you're feeling in the moment.

ADVERTISEMENT

They Have No Desire To Ever Hear Your Point Of View

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
couple fighting during a sunset
Photo Credit: Unsplash / Eric Ward
Photo Credit: Unsplash / Eric Ward
ADVERTISEMENT

Just like your opinions don't matter and your beliefs aren't valid, an abusive partner will have no desire to hear your point of view about anything because they're never going to agree with it.

ADVERTISEMENT

They see themselves and their view as superior.

ADVERTISEMENT

They Need To Be The Center Of Attention

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
woman holding wine glass in front of red curtains
Photo Credit: Cotton Bro / Pexels
Photo Credit: Cotton Bro / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

If all eyes are on them, then they get to dictate everyone's perception. This will be noticeable when every time you experience success, they make it about them.

ADVERTISEMENT

They might either diminish it or try to upstage you. They want to be the one in the spotlight.

ADVERTISEMENT

They Have An Opinion About Every Single One Of Your Friends

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
three women taking selfie by string lights
Photo Credit: Zhaocan / Pexels
Photo Credit: Zhaocan / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

Maybe your friends are very different from theirs (if they even have any), but that doesn't make them any less good people.

ADVERTISEMENT

His constant criticism is just his way of trying to make you see them negatively so he can isolate you from them. Then he can have you all to himself—without their warnings.

ADVERTISEMENT

Their Next Step Is Unpredicatble

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
taking step forward in brown boots
Photo Credit: Snapwire / Pexels
Photo Credit: Snapwire / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

His spontaneous and unpredictable behavior might have come off as adventurous and exciting, but now you just feel unsettled and afraid.

ADVERTISEMENT

This is because the goal is to keep you guessing and focused on them. If you can't predict it, only they have control over it.

ADVERTISEMENT

They Buy You Clothes And Lingerie

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
red lacy bra on bed
Photo Credit: Castorly Stock / Pexels
Photo Credit: Castorly Stock / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

They may appear to be innocent and thoughtful gifts, but be wary of a partner who tries to dress you.

ADVERTISEMENT

This is his way of controlling your style and making sure you don't wear anything revealing outside of the home, but still having a say in what he'd like to see you wearing in the bedroom.

ADVERTISEMENT

They Are A Neat Freak

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
hand cleaning mirror with swiffer
Photo Credit: Karolina Grabowska / Pexels
Photo Credit: Karolina Grabowska / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

If they expect you to keep their space or your shared space clean, especially without contributing, then be very careful. This is often worsened by their very rigid rules and expectations.

ADVERTISEMENT

You shouldn't have to worry he'll get mad at you just because you didn't load the dishwasher right.

ADVERTISEMENT

You Can't Make A Decision Without Them

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
couple thinking while walking
Photo Credit: Samson Katt / Pexels
Photo Credit: Samson Katt / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

If your best friend asks if you want to get drinks, you shouldn't have to tell her that you'll have to check with your boyfriend first.

ADVERTISEMENT

Rather, you should be able to simply update your boyfriend that you made plans without risking him getting mad or offended that you didn't check with them first.

ADVERTISEMENT

Future Plans Mostly Incorporate Only Their Goals

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
couple sitting in forest and looking into the distance
Photo Credit: Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels
Photo Credit: Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

They have your future already all laid out for you. You're relocating when they get promoted, you're going to pump out the two babies they've always dreamed of, and then they'll come home to your cooked dinner.

ADVERTISEMENT

Where do your goals fall into this plan? You're meant to be a partner to build a life with, not just someone to fill in into their pre-designed plan.

ADVERTISEMENT

Even Intimacy Is On Their Terms

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
couple in bed about to kiss
Photo Credit: Ana Maria Moroz / Pexels
Photo Credit: Ana Maria Moroz / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

When they're in the mood, they expect you to be ready to go, and even when you are, it ends when they're over it. There's little consideration given to your pleasure and needs.

ADVERTISEMENT

You shouldn't feel like you could be replaced by something he bought at an adult store.

ADVERTISEMENT

Causes Of Controlling Behavior

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
couple holds hands in park
Photo Credit: Uriel Mont / Pexels
Photo Credit: Uriel Mont / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

The most common causes are anxiety disorders and personality disorders. They usually date back to childhood events and baggage.

ADVERTISEMENT

They believe that being able to control everything around them will bring them peace. They don't trust anyone else to be able to handle things as well as them.

ADVERTISEMENT

How To Deal With Controlling Behavior

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
woman sitting on the dock hugging her knees
Photo Credit: Pixabay / pexels
Photo Credit: Pixabay / pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

The thing with control is that he may not even realize he's doing it or mean to be hurting you.

ADVERTISEMENT

Start out by making him aware. Then you can put a plan together for how to handle it. However, if it escalates or they refuse to acknowledge or take measures to fix it, then it may be time to walk away.