Signs Of A Power Struggle In The Relationship And How To Overcome It
You may both love each other, but somewhere along the line, you stopped being willing to show it. Instead, now it's out of the question to be the one who shows vulnerability, as that would mean a loss of power and control.
The power struggle can come to an end, and you can bring back the early days of love and affection by understanding the following steps.
You Both Have Strong Personalities
If you both have strong personalities, then odds are that you both like having things your way.
"Usually, relationships work best when someone takes the lead and the other person is more flexible or fluid," says Birch, CEO of Plum Dating. So if you're both trying to take the lead, it'll just be a constant push and pull.
They Can't Seem To Understand Your Point Of View
This is usually a downhill cycle. If one of you feels misunderstood, you'll act out and maybe even raise your voice, which definitely will backfire and not get your point across any better.
The more you push, the more the other person is likely to stop trying to understand altogether, almost defensively.
They Try To Play Games
You thought the little games like taking extra time to text you back ended after the first stages of dating? Not when there's a power struggle. They might be doing the things they know bother you or make you anxious just to hold some kind of control over you.
They Try To Make You Jealous
It's the oldest trick in the book. If they're not getting what they want, they might try to make you jealous in the hopes of showing you how easily replaceable you are or how easily they can move from you if they don't get it.
They Get Competitive With You
A healthy dose of competition can be fun. When everything starts to turn into a competition, though, from who has the highest paying job to who can empty the dishwasher better, it's a clear sign of a power struggle.
You Are Often Criticizing Each Other
A way to feel superior to a person is to repeatedly put them down. This can take many forms and even come across passive-aggressively, with petty comments like "I'm the only one that ever cleans anything around here."
Be careful, as it usually escalates with time, and these things add up.
You Stop Doing Special Gestures For One Another
As neither one of you wants to look vulnerable or appear as though they're giving up some power, you both stop putting effort into doing anything nice for each other. The romance starts to die and hostility replaces it.
There Is A Lot Talk of Being Single
Power struggles can begin to threaten a relationship. One of you talks about the good old days when you were single, while the other one expresses how they can't do the relationship anymore.
While neither is an official breakup, both are threats of wanting to end the relationship to scare the other person.
Slow Down And Look Around
Take a moment and recognize the signs of power struggles as they happen. Take some time afterward to think about the why, when, who, and what of what made the struggle happen. Once you take notice, you gain a new power: the ability to change.
One Or Both Of You Is Very Stubborn
If there is no willingness to compromise on either end, you're not going to get very far. A healthy relationship is all about the give and take, while in a power struggle, the focus is just on "take, take, take."
There Is A Lack Of Communication
So much of a power struggle comes through in little actions and how a couple treats each other, and there is no real communication. Real feelings start to get buried as no one wants to be the first one to admit that something is bothering them or be the one to fix it.
You Both Need To Acknowledge That There's A Problem
It's important to recognize that there is a surface problem and a deeper problem. The surface problem is that your connection is deteriorating and becoming unhealthy and no one is doing anything about it. The deeper problem is why...
Communicate Your Fears And Concerns To One Another
This is how you figure out the deeper problem. Usually, the desire for power is rooted in insecurity and attachment issues. Either there is a fear of being rejected or abandoned, or there is a fear of being trapped, controlled, or smothered.
Understand And Appreciate Each Other's Differences
The first step to understanding is taking responsibility for your part in the wrongdoing. This shows that you acknowledge that you've hurt your partner and that you want to make it up to them.
However, you must also learn that you will not always communicate, react, or feel the same way, so you have to appreciate those differences and learn to navigate them.
Find Ways To Support Each Other Instead Of Competing
Take interest in each other's hobbies and passions so that you can support each other instead of feeling like you have to one-up each other. You could even dedicate certain activities for fun and healthy competitions, like having a drawing contest.
Remind Yourself That It's Okay To Be Vulnerable
Challenge yourself to overcome your fears and share your feelings honestly and gently with your partner.
The relationship will begin to shift as the need for power will then slowly be replaced with an open and safe environment. However, stay patient, as this can take time.
Be Open To Loving And Being Loved
Once you let your fears and past experiences go, it's like you give yourself a blank slate.
Love the way that you want to be loved. Be your best and most authentic self so that you can attract that in return.
Write Your Own "Relationship Contract"
This is a way to determine how you will respond to arguments and to loving moments. You don't actually need to write it down with paper and a pen, but once you establish some kind of "rules," you're a lot more likely to have expectations and a guideline for how to handle the relationship. It creates trust and safety.
Find Ways To Be Equal
Since so much of a power struggle is not wanting to feel inferior in a relationship, make sure to find ways that make you both feel important and appreciated.
Take turns going out of your way to do something nice, or plan dates, or even apologize first.
Control Yourself, Not Your Partner
At the end of the day, the only person you are in charge of is you. That includes your reactions and responses to your partner.
If they exhibit signs of a power struggle, you can either get into an unhealthy pattern and try to take power back yourself, or, you can acknowledge what's happening and take proactive measures.
