It’s Not Your Fault If They’re Scared Of Commitment

I feel like we’ve all experienced the fear of commitment in some shape or form. From personal experience, I’ve found that learning that someone doesn’t want to commit to you romantically is one of the worst feelings in the world.

These issues are usually deeply rooted, so it’s not your fault if your current boo doesn’t want to label your relationship.

“It’s Not You, It’s Me”

woman staring at camera looking unhappy as she holds a man who's staring the other way
Photo Credit: KaLisa Veer / Unsplash
Photo Credit: KaLisa Veer / Unsplash

You’ve been loving spending time with a new special someone — but when it comes time to have the “are we exclusive?” talk, they say that they’re “just not ready,” or something along those lines.

Many people avoid long-term relationships due to commitment issues or a general fear of commitment. The mentality of someone with a fear of commitment is often quite complex.

Commitment Issues

Man handing a woman a heart shape
Photo Credit: Kelly Sikkema / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Kelly Sikkema / Unsplash

People with a commitment phobia do usually want a long-term connection with another person.

But, for whatever reason, their overwhelming anxiety prevents them from staying in any relationship for too long.

Why It Feels Like Your Fault

dark haired woman staring out window looking pensive
Photo Credit: Kyle Broad / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Kyle Broad / Unsplash

A person that I was seeing told me that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me, which made me feel really insecure about myself.

It’s not your fault or because of something you did, because this person may like you, or may even love you. Unfortunately, they may be concerned that they will not be able to meet your needs and expectations for commitment.

The Mentality Of Someone Who Isn’t Ready For Commitment

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Photo Credit: Raychan / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Raychan / Unsplash

Commitment issues in relationships are nothing new, and I’m sure most of us have experienced it, either with ourselves or with a past partner.

Our understanding of how the fear of commitment for some people can be paralyzing has increased. Although you won’t find “commitment phobia” in any diagnostic manual, it’s a real experience of anxiety and fear.

Maybe They Don’t Like Thinking About the Future

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Photo Credit: Markus Winkler / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Markus Winkler / Unsplash

I feel like in some way, all of us are scared of the future (I feel like robots are going to take over). But people with commitment issues just don’t like thinking about the long term.

Perhaps they attribute negative thoughts to spending all of their future time with one specific person.

Early Signs of Commitment Issues

red flag on beach
Photo Credit: Carolina Daltoe / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Carolina Daltoe / Unsplash

Early on in a relationship, someone canceling a lot, or continually saying they’ll do something (like meet your parents) and then backing out, can be a serious red flag.

If they don’t seem fully present with you, it might be a sign that they’re someone who struggles to commit.

They Don’t Want To Date Seriously

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Photo Credit: René Ranisch / Unsplash
Photo Credit: René Ranisch / Unsplash

Some people love their freedom and prefer the free lifestyle of being a single bachelor or bachelorette.

Sure, maybe they enjoy having someone to spend time with, and they like having regular sex, but they’re just straight up not interested in what comes after, just because they love the single life.

Trust Issues

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Photo Credit: Sinitta Leunen / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Sinitta Leunen / Unsplash

Some people just don’t feel ready to open up to someone new and give them their all. Relationships involve a lot of vulnerability, and not everyone is ready for that.

Someone with trust issues may not be eager to open up or get close to others, even if they long for deep and meaningful relationships. They may have trouble letting themselves go, being vulnerable, or being physically intimate.

Fear Of The Relationship Ending

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Photo Credit: Fred Moon / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Fred Moon / Unsplash

I feel like we all have that one ex (or a couple) that left us broken and scarred. It takes a long time to recover from a breakup, so maybe that person just isn’t ready to date again.

When you go through a bad break-up, you should always take the time to recover before jumping into anything new.

They Let The Past Predict The Future

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Photo Credit: Andriyko Podilnyk / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Andriyko Podilnyk / Unsplash

A guy I dated once had been hurt badly by an ex-girlfriend, so he told me that he wasn’t ready for a new relationship because his last one ended so poorly. In the wise words of Elsa from Frozen, we’ve got to try to “let it go.”

We all believe that there are deep-rooted issues that cause us to have commitment issues, and the past is a significant factor in how we conduct ourselves in the present or future.

They Love The Chase

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Photo Credit: Brennan Burling / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Brennan Burling / Unsplash

Falling in love with people can be addictive for some people, along with the thrill of the chase, those exciting first dates, and the joy of getting to know someone.

Some just aren’t interested in the deeper connections that follow, and if he’s had a string of short relationships, you might be dealing with a romance-junkie.

Commitment Issues Caused By A Toxic Relationship

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Photo Credit: Alex Iby / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Alex Iby / Unsplash

Fear of, or having been in, an unhealthy relationship that included abandonment, toxicity, infidelity, or abuse can lead to someone having extreme commitment issues. You never know what someone has been through.

The best thing to do is to be open and honest with your partner about their past relationships so you can work through it together.

They’re Always Thinking Negatively

Beautiful, powerful and artistic black man thinking.
Photo Credit: Darius Bashar / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Darius Bashar / Unsplash

I’m guilty of doing this, because I have a hard time trusting men in general, but people with serious commitment issues are constantly predicting how people will betray them.

It could mean they have fears of being stuck or feeling suffocated in a relationship, or that they struggle with major decisions, including their relationships.

There Are So Many Different Reasons

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Photo Credit: Khamkéo Vilaysing / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Khamkéo Vilaysing / Unsplash

There are SO many reasons as to why someone just doesn’t feel ready for a relationship.

Instead of blaming yourself for someone’s commitment issues, talk to the person and ask them WHY they feel anxious about starting a relationship.

The Ugly Truth

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Photo Credit: Hello I’m Nik / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Hello I’m Nik / Unsplash

Many people think that the ugly honest truth is if they haven’t committed yet they probably never will, and if they do, it will take a lot of work.

This can be true, but it depends on the person. If someone isn’t willing to work through their commitment issues, then yes, it is probably hopeless.

Overcoming Fear Of Commitment

woman jumping across two cliffs
Photo Credit: Sammie Chaffin / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Sammie Chaffin / Unsplash

The fear of commitment can be overcome, and it’s not hopeless. The first step is being open to change.

People who are scared of commitment have to want to make the changes in their life, and even just thinking that can help them be less anxious in future relationships.

They Still Want To Be With You, Just With No Label

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Photo Credit: Chewy / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Chewy / Unsplash

If someone doesn’t want to label a relationship, but you don’t want to stop seeing them, you need to have a conversation about what you’re both comfortable with. But sometimes it’s best to go your separate ways.

This is why friends with benefits can be a happy medium, but, we all know that friends with benefits can be super messy when feelings get involved.

How to Help Their Fear of Relationships

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Photo Credit: Priscilla Du Preez / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Priscilla Du Preez / Unsplash

A person who suffers from relationship anxiety doesn’t have to suffer from it their entire life.

You can try to help this person work through some of their issues if they’re open to it, or support them if they want to go to therapy or counseling. But remember: you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.

You Are Worthy

man and woman kissing on the beach
Photo Credit: Vitor Pinto / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Vitor Pinto / Unsplash

If you’re struggling to connect with someone who is scared of commitment, it really is important to know that you should never feel bad about yourself because of it. You deserve someone who wants to be with you wholeheartedly if that’s what you want.

If you have commitment issues, there are so many resources out there to help you to try and move past these feelings. You are not alone!

What Do You Think?

woman in the park holding a coral flower on top of her husbands back
Photo Credit: Carly Rae Hobbins / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Carly Rae Hobbins / Unsplash

I feel like, at one point or another in our romantic lives, we have all sadly experienced commitment issues in some shape or form. Mine was a 20-year-old named Chad (serves me right).

If someone is having trouble committing to you, do you stop seeing them or switch to something more casual? Anyways, I hope we all end up just like this couple that is arguably too happy.