What Is An “Attachment Style” And How Is Yours Impacting Your Love Life?
How do you go into relationships? It would be nice to think that we're able to entirely dictate our own actions and emotions, but the reality is that a lot of how we connect with others and how they connect with us is shaped by their psychological state and even their childhood experiences.
Attachment styles often affect how we get into relationships and how we act within them, so here's a breakdown of what they are and how they might affect you.
What Is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory is a psychological concept that describes how we emotionally attach ourselves to others, especially when it comes to romantic partners. There are a few different attachment styles that are common.
The Origins Of The Theory
Attachment styles have been extensively studied by psychologists since the 1960s, and the research has only gotten more complex over time. The research started with how babies and small children look for attachment to parents/caregivers and how their interactions with the caregiver inform their style of attachment.
So How Does This Affect You?
There are four separate attachment styles that are commonly agreed on by psychologists: fearful-avoidant, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and secure. The first three styles are all considered insecure attachment styles in comparison to the healthier, secure attachment style.
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style
People with this attachment style tend to deeply crave emotional intimacy with others. It's believed that people develop this attachment style when their parents are very inconsistent in their attitude toward them and often were emotionally distant.
What Does This Look Like As An Adult?
People with an anxious attachment style are more prone to self-esteem problems even though they often think highly of others. They tend to be sensitive and attuned to others' needs, but are often insecure and anxious about their own position in relationships.
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment In Relationships
People with this attachment style might find themselves craving intimacy from a partner quickly, often faster than the other person is ready for. They need constant validation and approval from partners to feel "worthy" of love and "good enough."
The Dangers Of An Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style
People with this attachment style can come across as clingy, needy, and high-maintenance. Their fear of abandonment can make them incredibly jealous or suspicious of their partners and can also cause them to become overwhelmingly preoccupied with their relationship issues.
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style
People who have this attachment style tend to be fiercely independent. People with this attachment style often had unreliable or absent parents/caregivers, leading them to be more self-reliant for their emotional needs from a young age.
What Does This Look Like As An Adult?
People with this attachment style tend to, as the name states, be dismissive of romantic relationships and avoid them, often due to feeling discomfort when it comes to emotional closeness or dependence on another person.
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment In Relationships
People with this attachment style tend to have a high view of themselves and a low view of others, making them feel like emotional intimacy or maintaining a partner "isn't worth it." In fact, people with this attachment style tend to enjoy being single while maintaining a vibrant social life.
The Dangers Of A Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style
People with this attachment style are unable to depend on or fully trust romantic partners and often struggle with opening up to others due to fears of rejection. Despite genuinely wanting to create emotional connections, they are unable to be vulnerable enough to actually achieve that intimacy.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style (Also Called "Disorganized")
People with this attachment style tend to be "confused" due to their strong conflicting desires for closeness and their simultaneous fear of it. This style tends to occur for people who respond to a lack of bonding or trauma from a caregiver by becoming fearful of creating future bonds.
What Does This Look Like As An Adult?
People with a fearful-avoidant attachment style simultaneously crave emotional closeness but also push it away—they want validation and intimacy, but can never fully trust others. They will often deny their own feelings or will avoid expressing them.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment In Relationships
When it comes to romantic endeavors, people with a fearful-avoidant attachment style tend to have turbulent and dramatic relationships, be unpredictable due to their oscillation between wanting a partner and pushing them away, and give off lots of mixed signals.
The Dangers Of A Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style
Having this attachment style tends to leave people feeling unhappy no matter what relationship they're in due to their conflicting desires to push others away avoid being hurt, but also to want closeness and feel loved. It can leave a person feeling extremely isolated.
And Lastly, Secure Attachment Style
People with a secure attachment style are able to healthily connect with others and feel secure in the connection as well as themselves. This kind of attachment style is common when the person was able to consistently look to caregivers or parents for help and support throughout childhood.
What Does This Look Like As An Adult?
Securely attached people have a good sense of themselves within and without relationships. They are able to connect with others to form trusting bonds while still feeling comfortable with independence.
Secure Attachment In Relationships
People in these relationships are not only able to emotionally connect, express vulnerability, and trust their partners, but they are also able to set healthy boundaries with partners and leave bad relationships. They are comfortable reaching out to partners for support and returning the favor.
How Do You Know Which One You Are?
Reading into the descriptions, you can often figure out what behaviors you find yourself exhibiting most often. However, if you want a more unbiased judge, there are many online quizzes that can help you figure things out.
You're Not Doomed If You Have An Insecure Attachment Style
Recognizing you have an insecure attachment style is just the first step toward learning healthier behaviors for attachment. Through some personal work and conscious assessment of your own habits, you can even grow to develop a secure attachment style in the future.
