How To Let Go And Move On From Toxic People Or Situations
Have you ever heard the saying "holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die"?
Spending your life allowing other people to make you upset or affect you with their actions is an exhausting way to live, but it's not always easy to see an alternative. Rather than wasting your time with toxic people or struggling through situations that are upsetting, here's how you can let go and move on.
Stop Fighting Feelings
If you're upset about something, avoiding that feeling isn't going to make it better. It's better to let yourself feel whatever it is you're feeling so you can deal with it and move forward.
Don't Wait For An Apology
Chances are, if you're waiting around for an apology because you think it's magically going to make everything better, you're going to be left just as upset after you get it—if you get the apology at all.
Write A Letter
You don't have to be some literary legend to write a letter about how you feel. Putting pen to paper—and yes, I mean actual pen and paper, not a Google Doc—can be a great way to make sense of your feelings.
There's A Couple Different Options For Your Letter
If you're looking for a cathartic experience you can write the letter and do nothing. The other option is you could actually send it to the person, though you should be sure to focus on your own feelings about the relationship. Be careful not to turn it into an attack on them. It's about how you feel.
Watch Something Sad
It sounds silly, but being sad about something or upset about something other than the direct problem you're dealing with can still be a beneficial experience. Allow yourself to feel sad about someone else's pain before you're ready to deal with your own.
Stop Making Excuses For Them
A very common mistake that people in the midst of a toxic relationship often make is to make excuses for the other person. It usually doesn't matter why they did something. The point is they did it, you're upset or angry or hurt by it, and that's what you have to deal with.
Take Note Of How Much Energy Your Anger Uses
You probably don't even realize how much of your energy you've spent in a day feeling anxious or upset with someone, or how much energy you've wasted being angry at someone who doesn't even know it.
Take Responsibility For Your Own Happiness
You have to acknowledge that even if someone upset you or made you angry, ultimately, you're the one who is responsible for making yourself happy. You can't continue to blame your unhappiness on someone else or someone else's actions.
Don't Force Yourself To Forgive
If you don't feel like you're in a place where you can forgive someone for something they did, then don't. Don't be disingenuous about your feelings to anyone else—or to yourself.
Focus On The Healthy Relationships
Instead of thinking about how you're going to lose a relationship with someone if you're cutting them out, focus on the positive, healthy relationships in your life that you can appreciate.
Phase The Person Out Slowly
It doesn't need to be a big, dramatic blowout every time you want to distance yourself from someone toxic. Phasing them out of your life slowly by limiting your contact with them can be easier, it just takes a little longer.
Set A Deadline For Yourself
As easy as it is to recommend that you cut someone out of your life cold turkey, it's not as simple as that. Set yourself a deadline or a decision day for a few weeks or even months from now. Take the time to evaluate the relationship between now and then, and make the final decision when that day comes.
Stick To The Facts
As best as you can, try to focus on the core issue of whatever is bothering you. Stick to the specific situation that made you upset, examine how it made you feel, and respond to that.
Don't Sit In Your Bitterness
A key part of moving forward from a bad relationship or toxic friendship is to actually move forward. You dealt with the situation, you made changes in your life, now it's time to stop letting those feelings control you in the now.
Remember It Doesn't Have To Be An Ending
Distancing yourself from a situation that isn't right for you or from a toxic person doesn't necessarily mean that you're distancing yourself from it forever—it just means it's not right for you at this moment, and you have to do what's best for you.
Keep The Ending Brief
No one wants to go through a breakup that's dragged out and feels like it's never going to end. Whether you're trying to let go of a friendship or a relationship or move on from a bad situation, keep your final contact brief so it's a clean break.
Check Your Own Expectations
Part of the reason that you find yourself in toxic relationships or difficult situations could be because you're not being realistic about what you want from people. Not everything that happens in life can be blamed on someone else.
Practicing Mindfulness
It's become a bit of a buzzword, but mindfulness simply means practicing being focused on the moment you're in. Focusing on the moment means that you're taking the control away from your feelings of hurt or anger, and giving yourself the freedom to choose how you feel in that moment.
Allow Yourself To Be Sad
Just because you're moving on from someone or something doesn't mean that you're not also allowed to be upset about it. Trying to convince yourself and everyone around you that it doesn't matter or that you're perfectly fine when you're not isn't healthy.
Remember To Reflect On It
It could be right after it happens or it could be months down the road, but it's important at some point to stop and think about what happened. Reflect on your feelings, think about what you learned, and think about what you'll do differently.