How To Deal When Your Ex Is Spreading Lies About You
What's worse than a breakup? A breakup where you can't even move on because now you're dealing with your ex's vengeance. It's double the fight if you're having to defend yourself and ignore the lies to move on.
It doesn't have to be so hard. There are ways to deal with it that can facilitate you moving on and being happy again.
Ignore It
This might be the most common advice you receive, and it's very straight to the point. But that's why we're starting with it. If you're able to, just shrug it off and keep going about your life.
If it's more complicated than that and you're unable to escape the lies, there are steps you can take, but ignoring should still always be the goal.
Confront Them
The best way to get over an ex is usually cutting off all communication, but this might be worth an exception. Be careful, though, because your ex is probably trying to get your attention and a reaction through these lies, so how you contact them should be short and straight to the point.
Try to see if they're willing to talk out why they're doing this, or what they think happened.
Don't Stoop Down To Their Level
Your first instinct might be to fight back and defend your honor, but the more you engage, the more you prolong the situation. Your goal is for this to die out so you can heal. If you fight fire with fire, it only gets bigger.
Share Your Truth
You have the ability to share your side of the story to those who matter to you. The best strategy here is to prioritize. There is no point in dwelling on every little lie. Focus on the big ones and, instead of simply refuting them, re-tell those stories from your own point of view.
Consider Who Your Real Friends Are
In situations like this, it is to be expected that some people will be on your side while others will be quick to turn on you. Take this as a blessing in disguise.
This will sort out the people in your life for you. You'll separate those who are in it for the right reasons from those who don't deserve to be.
Don't Give Too Much Energy To What Other People Think
Someone else's words shouldn't taint what other people think of you. They should be taking the time to hear you out for themselves.
If they don't, then who cares? Are those people you even need in your life? And if they're not in your life, then their opinions shouldn't weigh on you.
Distance Yourself From Your Ex And Their Lies
The less you are exposed to the lies, the more you can separate yourself and forget about them. If your ex wants to waste his time on negative behavior, let them. This is self-destructive. Block them, block their friends, and ignore any source that is stressing you out.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Rest Assured That The Truth Somehow Always Comes Out
The truth always comes out in the end, and it will set you free. That doesn't mean you should wait around for it, but knowing this should give you peace of mind and an ability to see beyond the present moment.
Own Up To Whatever Mistakes You Did Make
If there is some truth to what your ex is saying, it works in your favor to admit those parts. Then you will look more credible and trustworthy, and you'll be able to separate the lies from the truths rather than having both tarnish your image.
You taking some accountability might even push your ex to do the same.
The Negativity Makes Them Look Bad, Not You
Remember that their lies reflect badly on them, not just on you. If you're just out there living your life, and they're out there with the sole focus of making you look bad, which one of you looks worse?
Let them get stuck in their negativity while you keep on searching for healing and success.
It'll Be Yesterday's News Soon Enough
Even if people are gossiping now, the lies will grow stale, and people will eventually tire of them and move on. People love to gossip. It doesn't feel good if it's about you, but just know that this is something that will surely pass.
Take Pride That You Are No Longer A Part Of This Person's Life
This is clearly not someone you needed in your life in the first place. You should find some peace in knowing that you avoided a person who is capable of turning on someone they presumably cared about.
They say a breakup can really bring out someone's true colors.
This Is Their Unhealthy Way Of Coping
Usually, exes tend to spread lies not because they hate you that much, but because they can't bear the thought of losing you.
It's not other people they are attempting to turn against you. They are trying to convince themselves of their own lies to get over you.
Your Ex Feels A Loss Of Control
Guess what? Even though it doesn't seem like it, you're the one who holds the power here.
You have the power to keep yourself out of this person's life, to move on, to build a new life for yourself where you're happy, while they stew in their own negativity.
They Are Stuck In The Past
It takes a lot of energy to come up with a lie, cover your tracks, and also spread the lie. This barely leaves them any time to focus on what truly matters, like their healing, moving on, and even their jobs and health. It's their way fo refusing to let you and your history together go.
Allow Yourself To Feel Hurt And Betrayed
Letting yourself feel hurt is not letting them win—it's a way to process how the situation makes you feel so that rather than acting out of anger or sadness, you act calmy and with logic.
Refocus Your Energy On Yourself
Rather than waste your energy on trying to figure out why your ex is acting this way, or what their next move could be, ask yourself what your next step is. You can't control them, but you can control yourself and your environment. What steps are you taking to move on?
Get An Outside Perspective
Chances are, everyone you've talked to on the matter either knows you, them, or the both of you, so they can't help but have their own opinions or biases.
It might be refreshing to talk to someone who is more of a blank slate, like a therapist or a support group.
Think Big Picture: This Won't Matter To You In Time
It seems like the worst thing in the world right now. But in a few weeks, month, or even a year down the road, you won't care anymore about what a person from your past who doesn't matter anymore once thought or said about you.
Recognize The Red Flags To Avoid Letting Another Liar In
An experience with a person like this will teach you what to look for in the future. Now, you will be more careful of who you let into your life. This doesn't mean you should always have a wall up, though.
Take the time to go back and analyze what traits could've predicted this behavior and what red flags you should have focused on, and take them with you into your next relationships.
