How To Break Up With Someone You Aren’t Officially Dating
Breaking up with someone is never going to be easy, even if it was by all accounts an "easy" breakup. You know when a relationship has run its course, but what about breaking up with someone that you're not entirely sure you're actually dating?
You might find yourself stuck in a casual relationship or an almost-relationship that you're looking to get out of, but you're not sure how to do that. Here's what you need to know about ending your relationship with your non-boyfriend.
Do You Need To Officially Break Up If You Weren't Together
Even if you weren't "official" with someone or you wouldn't introduce them as your boyfriend in a social situation, you could still have an attachment to someone. If you're wavering on whether or not you need to have a breakup conversation, that probably means you should.
It's Easier To Make The Clean Break
It could be an awkward conversation to bring up or you're worried that you've made more out of something than the other person, but it's better to get it out on the table. Have the conversation so that neither of you is left wondering what happened or thinking about what could have been.
The First Step Is Realization
You're in a casual relationship, you can acknowledge that there might be a connection or that you're compatible, but you just don't see it making the jump from "almost" to "relationship." How do you deal with that?
Think About Why
The reason that you want to break up with someone can influence how you do it. Are you looking to break it off because you've found someone else, or because you're not willing to put in the effort anymore, or some other reason?
Are You The Reason You're Stuck In "Almosts"?
Regardless of whether it's because of you or something the other person has done (or not done), if you want to end the relationship, you should. But it can't hurt to consider if the ending is because you weren't ready for something serious or if it was them.
Could You Ever Want It To Be More?
Is the reason you're looking to end it because you're starting to have feelings and you think they don't feel the same way, or is it because the relationship has run its course?
All Signs Point To Breaking Up
You've done your due diligence, thought about why all of your past almosts and relationships haven't panned out, you maybe even panicked about it for a little bit. Now that that's done, you're confident that breaking it off is the right choice for you.
Avoiding It Is Not The Right Answer
You could simply ghost the person and pretend it never happened, but that's not really a fair ending to either person involved. It may just be a casual relationship or an almost-relationship, but it's still worth tying up the loose ends.
Don't Panic About Making Too Big A Deal Out Of Something
Don't talk yourself out of having the conversation because you're worried that you might have been making the relationship into more than it is or you're worried you'll be showing you actually cared.
It's Okay To Want An Ending
Realistically, even if you do go on to have some form of a breakup conversation and he starts saying "woah woah woah, we weren't even in a relationship" then you'll know it was probably the right choice. Plus, you're not going to see him again anyway, that's the whole point!
So How Do You Actually Do It?
Like any breakup, you have a couple of options. You could tell the person face-to-face, you could call them, or you could text them. It depends on how much of a relationship you had beforehand.
Get To The Point
Beating around the bush or dancing around your point or any other cliché saying about avoiding a topic of conversation shouldn't apply here. Say what you need to say, and say it soon.
You Have A Fine Line To Walk
Like in any breakup, you have to walk the line between kindness and clarity. The tricky part about casual relationships or almost-relationships is that it's often a situation where you might have taken time apart already, so you need to make it clear that this is the actual end. It's not just a break, you (hopefully) won't be coming back to them two months from now when you're bored or lonely.
Brutal Honesty Isn't Always The Best Policy
Remember that you're trying to end whatever it is that's going on between the two of you, so now is not the time to air all your grievances or complaints about them. Say something nice, tell them it's over, and then stop talking.
The Best Way To Do It
If you think that the conversation will be an easy one (ie. you sense that they're feeling the same way as you) then the best choice is to have it in person. If you're less confident in how it's going to go, maybe a phone call that can be ended quickly or a lengthy text message is the better way to go.
After You've Ripped The Band-Aid Off
Once you've had the conversation, depending on how it went, you have a couple of options for how you want to proceed. If they felt the same way as you about breaking up it's a lot easier to take the "let's still be friends" approach, but that's not always the case.
Blocking Them Out Works Too
If you're worried about slipping back into it a few weeks or months from now, or you feel like they might come calling, the best approach is to make it impossible. Delete their number, unfollow them on social media. Out of sight, out of mind. It might seem harsh but you can always unblock them or refollow them later.
You're Probably Going To Run Into Them Again
Acknowledging that you're probably going to see them again at some point in the future will make it less anxiety-inducing when it actually happens. You might be in the same friend group or have similar hobbies so there's a chance you'll run into each other.
Go Find Yourself A New Distraction
Whether that distraction consists of repeatedly Face-Timing your best friend on a Saturday night or going to the gym every time you would've normally been driving over to their house, find something to occupy yourself.
Remember To Use Yourself As A Measure
In any breakup situation, the easiest way to go about it is to think of yourself. If you've got a gameplan figured out, think about how you'd feel if someone ended things with you in the same way, then go from there.
What Should You Avoid Doing?
We've given you the points of what you should do when you're ending a casual relationship that's not quite a real relationship, but what about what not to do? Some answers might seem obvious, but it never hurts to have someone say it, right?
Don't Just Ghost Them
As much as you may want to take the easy way out and vanish from the person's life, you both deserve better than that. Have the decency to have the uncomfortable conversation so you can both move on accordingly, knowing where you stand.
Don't Use The Conversation To Air Your Grievances
Let bygones be bygones, let sleeping dogs lie, and apply any other cliché or principle about letting things go and moving on. Don't use a breakup conversation to air every qualm you have with the person. You've already made the decision to move on. You don't need to pick any bones.
You Don't Have To Treat It As Some Dramatic Ending
If you've only been on a few dates or hooked up a handful of times, you don't need to treat this as some dramatic conclusion to a deep love. You don't even need to frame it as an actual breakup. Something as basic as "hey this has been fun, however, I'm not interested in doing it again" is all it really takes.
Don't Leave Any Room For Misunderstanding
Keeping the conversation simple does not mean that you should dance around the subject. Make sure that you're as clear as possible so there's no room for misinterpretation. You don't want to leave it open-ended unless you plan on revisiting this relationship later, and even then, it's better to end it now. You can start over fresh in the future if you really want.
Don't String Them Alone Because You Don't Have Other Options
If you're not interested in someone, you owe it to them and to yourself to admit that and move on. It's not fair to string someone along, even in a casual way, if you know that you're not invested in them anymore.
And Don't Wait Around Hoping They'll Do It For You
It's your job to act on the feelings you have, not to wait around hoping that the other person is also not feeling your arrangement anymore and will do the dirty work for you.
Maybe Don't Do It Over Text
When possible, it's better to have a conversation like this face-to-face, though it also depends on your relationship. If you only went out once, then a text or phone call is chill, but if you've been casually hooking up for six months? Meet them in person.
Don't Expect Them To Be Devastated
Just like you shouldn't treat it as some life-altering ending, you shouldn't go into it with the mindset that you're shattering this person's heart. It's okay to accept that both of you were looking for something temporary and neither of you was that invested.
Please Don't Say You Want To Be Friends If You Actually Don't
If you started off as friends and want to go back to that, then by all means, use the "I want to still be friends" line. But don't be the person who says that just to soften the blow if you know that you intend to unfollow them on Instagram the second you leave their apartment.
