How To Apologize To Your Partner Effectively
Depending on the gravity of the situation, just saying "I'm sorry" a couple of times is not enough. There is a right way and a wrong way to apologize. Let this be your guide the next time you're looking for forgiveness.
Don't Blame
Whatever led up to the moment of your wrongdoing isn't the issue at hand. Even if it's based on a buildup of other issues, you were still in control of your reaction.
You can address those issues at a later time, but if you bounce the blame off of each other or blame external factors, nothing will get resolved.
Don't Justify
There are no exceptions, and "Well, I only did it because...." is not a sincere apology. You either regret doing and are sorry, or you're not. Justifying it makes it look like you don't actually mean what you're saying or feel remorse.
Don't Minimize
Don't minimize the situation or their feelings. They're entitled to be upset. If you dismiss their feelings in the apology, it goes from being sincere to being offensive. Then you'll be dealing with twice the damage and you'll need more apologies.
Don't Make Excuses
No one is in control of your actions or reactions but yourself. So, really, when you do something wrong, there is no one and nothing to excuse but yourself. External factors might have played a role, but the final decision was ultimately in your hands.
Find Out Their Apology Language
Some studies show that when you communicate in someone's preferred "apology language," you make it easier for them to genuinely forgive you. This study says that there are five of these apology languages.
Depending on how you present them, they emphasize your remorse and sincerity in a way the person you're apologizing to is more receptive and understanding to.
Show Regret
The first apology language emphasizes showing regret. What you're doing here is talking about how your actions affected the other person. The focus then shifts to their hurt.
This language is considered “the emotional aspect of an apology.” It shows that you're not just saying "I'm sorry" to get them off your back, but because you understand how it hurt them.
Take Accountability
This is the second language. You're not just apologizing based on their feelings but because you recognize that you're in the wrong. That's why statements like "I’m sorry you feel hurt" or “I apologize for whatever I did” are cop-outs.
Recognize what you did and be specific about it to show you understand.
Make Things Right
The third language is all about making restitution. This is where you put things right. Words can only go so far, what you really need to repair a relationship is follow-up actions.
The reparations are your way of showing them that you thought about their needs and that you basically owe them.
Genuinely Attempt Not To Do It Again
An apology is empty if it's not backed up by remorse. If you're feeling remorseful, you're more likely to put genuine effort into never repeating your mistakes.
That makes this 4th apology language an act of commitment. You're committing to working on the relationship and yourself, so as to not get to this point again. At a certain point, it's not the mistake that's at issue, but the repetition of it.
Ask For Forgivness
The final language is one that focuses on requesting forgiveness. It shows the person that you want to restore the relationship by saying things like “do you forgive me?”
What's special about this is that it puts you in a vulnerable position. It shows that you're willing to put the future of the relationship and of your feelings of guilt into that person's hands.
Avoid Using The Word "But"
You are basically negating your apology completely if you say, "I'm sorry for what I did, but…"
The presence of the word "but" in your apology deflects from any feelings of responsibility and becomes about justifying yourself or blaming something else.
Ask Them: "Is There Anything I Can Do To Make Up For What I Have Done?"
Instead of trying to guess what would rectify the situation, it's better to just ask them directly. This will show them that you are willing to listen.
Don't hesitate to ask them to help put together a plan of action so that this situation can be avoided next time.
Give Them The Space To Feel Upset
Don't expect forgiveness, and don't rush it. You're not entitled to it just because you apologized. Part of dealing with the consequences is sitting with your guilt for a while.
You expect forgiveness to strip away your guilt, but the person you're apologizing to has the right to take as much space as they need to feel hurt and get past it.
Instead of "I'm Sorry," Try "Thank You"
Try expressing your gratitude for your partner's patience. Instead of repeating "I'm sorry," try saying, "Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from," or "Thank you for listening to my apology," or "Thank you for being patient while I try to correct my actions."
Let Go Of Expectations
Don't go into the apology with any expectations about how they might react to it. If you don't, you'll feel disappointed once those expectations are not met. This might push you to act defensively and ruin the apology.
Truly Understand What You're Apologizing For
There is no point in apologizing just because you feel like you have to rather than because you truly understand what you did wrong. If you don't understand, pretend you're an investigative journalist and ask questions like "how did I make you feel? When? How?"
There is nothing wrong with making sure you're both on the same page.
Don't Overdo The Apology
An apology doesn't become more sincere because you say sorry a million times, ramble on, or get emotional over how guilty you feel. If anything, it starts to lose meaning and overshadows its purpose of acknowledging your partner's hurt. An apology isn't about you. It's about them.
An Apology Is Not A Quick Out
You're not apologizing for a quick way of getting yourself out of a difficult conversation or dispute. If they keep bringing it up, let them. This is their way of working through it with you rather than letting it boil and fester inside them.
Make Sure Your Motives Are Genuine
Are you apologizing just to make yourself feel better and so you can say you've done your due diligence, or are apologizing because it genuinely makes you feel bad to have hurt someone you care about?
Remind Them How Much You Love And Care For Them
During and after the apology, make sure to remind your partner of how much you care about them.
That doesn't mean you should buy flowers every time to cover up a mistake, but since they're likely to still feel hurt, it helps if you make them feel special and show them that it's worth moving past it.
