Here’s Why Breakups Hurt So Much You Feel Sick
You're not delusional, breakups really do hurt you physically to the point where they can make you ill. They can prevent you from being able to eat, sleep, or even think properly. Here's why.
It Activates Your Pain Receptors
It's not your imagination and you're not exaggerating. Research has shown that the parts of the brain that get activated in response to physical pain also get activated in response to a breakup.
If Love Is A Drug, A Breakup Is Like Withdrawal
Romantic love releases the same feel-good hormones (like dopamine) that really strong drugs like cocaine reward the pleasure centers of the brain with.
The same way that would happen if you were to quit cocaine cold turkey, you experience intense cravings for the object of your affection.
You Don't Understand It
We tend to find comfort in logic and understanding. Usually, a breakup is too complex to be able to pinpoint the exact cause of what went wrong, so we torture ourselves going over every possibility.
Without closure, we tend to blame ourselves and assume that the breakup is a reflection of our overall desirability.
You Mourn The Loss Of An Investement
Ending a relationship sometimes feels like losing an investment. You put so much of your time, attention, energy, feelings, and even money into building a life with another person.
So when it's over, it feels like it was all wasted, and you can't imagine how you could ever start over.
An Unexpected Breakup Puts Your Brain In Fight-Or-Flight Mode
When you go through a breakup, especially if it was unexpected, your brain registers it as an emergency and goes into fight-or-flight mode.
This state releases hormones that make you feel like you only have two options: either to prepare your body to stay and deal with a threat or to run away to safety.
The Fight Response Accelerates Your Heart Rate
When your heart accelerates, a lot of changes happen in the body. Our muscles tense, we lose our appetite, we experience digestive disruption, and we're likely to have trouble falling asleep.
The Muscles Never Actually Get To Release Energy
Being in a physically excited state over a period of time releases too much cortisol and blood to the brain and the muscles tense up ready to respond to the threat.
However, since there is no real threat requiring a physical response, the muscles never get to expend the energy. So they remain tense and cause headaches, stiff necks, and chest pain.
It Screws Up Your Digestive System
To keep muscles supplied with enough blood since they're so tense, your body diverts some blood from other places that would be less useful in a physical fight, like your digestive system.
This can cause digestive trouble such as cramps, diarrhea, or appetite loss
It Changes Your Brain Chemistry
Are you finding it harder and harder to get in a relationship after each breakup? Some research shows that when someone goes through a breakup, they experience a drop in the production of neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin.
Those chemicals are associated with happiness and pleasure. When you don't get them anymore, you get depressed and can even experience trauma. The brain remembers it and tries to warn you when you're at risk again.
The Cravings Make It Hard To Focus On Anything
As we mentioned earlier, you experience cravings from an ex and go through withdrawal. Your brain then enters a state of acute wanting that can make it difficult to focus on anything else. It's all you can think about until your dependency diminishes.
Your Pain Is Rooted In Basic Survival Instincts
For some animals, their chances of survival increases when they're in groups. Humans are the same. Being rejected from a tribe used to quite literally mean being cut off from shelter and food, so it was a threat to our survival.
We still carry this fear of abandonment. To the point where our brains have developed to trigger pain the moment we sense we are in danger of being rejected.
You Forget How To Be On Your Own
You build a routine with a partner, especially in a long-term relationship. You split responsibilities and depend on each other, even for simple things like laundry or grocery shopping.
After a breakup, some people experience what looks like memory loss and have to relearn how to be all over again.
You Lose Your Sense Of Safety
Healthy intimate relationships provide us with a sense of safety with the simplest acts, like handholding. One study, for example, wanted o show the power of handholding, so they observed married couples while threatened with an electric shock.
When the women held their husband's hand, the area of the brain that processes emotional and behavioral threats was less activated!
It Makes You Question Your Identity
Being part of a couple can also change your identity. Some research shows that a breakup can have an effect on one's self-concept because becoming single makes you feel less significant.
The pain is associated with not only the loss of the partner, but also a loss of a part of ourselves
It Can Make You Feel Ashamed
Breakups can also trigger feelings of shame, isolation, and pain because we perceive the end as a failure.
We're made to believe that love should last forever. But the reality is most people have two to three serious relationships before "the one."
You Feel The Same Kind Of Grief As When Someone Dies
Some experts have shown that we process breakups the same way as we process a sudden death. This means that we tend to go through the same five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Your Brain Is Being Starved Of Rewards
Breakups increase activity in the region associated with reward detection and expectation.
While with a partner, your brain's reward system is constantly being satisfied. But when you're can no longer see them, the neurons are still expecting that reward, and it takes a while for the brain to catch on.
A Breakup Cold Is Real
The common "breakup cold" is a real thing. It's due to the stress hormones running rampant. The immune system can struggle, increasing its vulnerability to bugs and illnesses.
Plus, if you're not eating or sleeping properly, your body is going to be too tired to fight it.
In Extreme Cases, You Can Die Of Heartbreak
There is a legitimate condition called "takotsubo cardiomyopathy" (or broken-heart syndrome) that can, in rare circumstances, lead to death.
In the wake of a stressful event, this syndrome can temporarily affect how your heart pumps blood. It releases a massive rush of adrenaline which can feel similar to a heart attack.
Time Really Does Heal All Wounds
Rest assured that the pain won't last forever, even if it feels like it in the moment. Even broken-heart syndrome only lasts about a month.
Studies have found that even the worst effects of a breakup heal over time. The more time that has passed, the less activity they found in the brain associated with attachment when the participants of the study looked at photos of their former partners.
It's Like Lighting Your Forearm On Fire
There's a study that found that the same brain regions (the insula and anterior cingulate cortex) lit up in people who were shown pictures of a significant ex and those who were, essentially, being burnt on their forearm.
They even had increasing levels of heat applied!
Rejection Is A Threat To Your Survival
There's another study that showed that the brain releases opioids (which the body produces naturally when we're injured) when people feel rejected. Opioids are usually reserved for when we get physically injured.
The study asked people to rate dating profiles of strangers then told them that the feelings weren't mutual. Upon hearing the rejection, the brain released the opioids as if they had been injured.
They're Not Just Processed Emotionally
There's no shame in taking your time to get past the breakup because you're literally working against your own body.
Breakups aren't just processed emotionally. They are interpreted as a threat to your survival, so your brain focuses on them, fixates on them, and treats them as harmful until it feels safe enough to get past them.
It Mirrors The Symptoms Of Clinical Depression
It becomes all you can think about, and the more you try to fight it, the more space it seems to occupy your mind.
It can get to the point where this creates a relative deficit in the neurotransmitters associated with pleasurable feelings which can cause symptoms that resemble clinical depression.
We Have Varying Perceptions
"We as humans are complex beings, we are made of intricate amounts of matter molded to form different individuals.
"All individuals give up different responses to the same event, so even for a breakup, our feelings regarding it will remain subjective and differently perceived from some other individual." —GauravJeet Singh / Quora
You Feel Unlovable
You start to wonder how this person who you thought loved you unconditionally suddenly stopped. Your first instinct is to blame yourself and feel like there's something about you that makes you unlovable.
The fear that this means that you might be the problem can in itself feel sickening.
Love Is Blind (Or Just Makes You Blind)
Studies have shown that we lose our ability to see the flaws of the object of our affections because of our need to attach ourselves to someone long enough to reproduce.
This blind euphoria often dissipates after about 18 months. Your body essentially gives you a deadline to reproduce, after which you might feel stuck or overwhelmed as you see your mate for who they really are.
You Worry The Breakup Revealed Your Flaws
Some people take a rejection as a revelation of a flaw that they need to worry about or else it might resurface in other relationships.
They worry that future relationships will continue to fail for the same reasons. These people often fear that no matter how hard they try, it'll never work, and they cave into a state of anxiety.
It Crushes Your Dreams
It's natural to talk about your dreams, ambitions, and goals with your partner. This creates a very strong bond and makes it very hard to detach yourself from that person.
In some senses, you always carry remnants of it.
Don't Let Anyone Diminish Your Feelings
These reasons should be enough to show you that the pain you feel from a breakup isn't a sign of weakness, but rather a natural reaction that your body undergoes before you can even process the breakup.
Don't listen to anyone who tells you to "just get over it." Take your time feeling out every step.