You know those couples you love to hate because they call each other absurd names and are all over each other in public? They think you’re just jealous, but really, you can’t stand that this is what they consider romance. However, you also can’t help but feel happy for them because they really get each other…
Well, these people will give you even more FOMO with all of the weird, gross, oddly wholesome things they do in their relationship.
A “Bless You” Would Have Sufficed
“Whenever he sneezes, I shout as aggressively as I can ‘shut up!’ To which he responds even louder, ‘you shut up!’ This is everywhere. At home, in public, it doesn’t matter. It’s gotten to the point where I consciously have to stop myself from shouting at anyone else who sneezes.” —SoManyStarWipes
If you’re trying to publicly worry people by seeming like a super toxic couple, this is how.
A Day In The Life Of A Cat
“We make up very elaborate stories about our cats’ lives. ‘Where’s Big Cat?’ ‘Oh, she’s in Taipei today consulting with the Ukrainian Ambassador about the current standing of the silver industry…'” —undergroundramen
It sounds like they’re trying to live vicariously through the cat to somehow add some excitement to their lives.
No Room For Debate
“When me and my ex would get into dumb arguments/debates we used to ‘send it to the council to be reviewed. There was no council. There would be no review. It was basically our way of shelving an argument that would never have a winner.” —S_Runaway
Arguing is often healthy, or at least better than shoving issues under the rug and hoping some magical council addresses them instead.
Leave The Pet Names To The Pets
“Me and my girlfriend have started using very random and increasingly complex pet names when we answer a phone call from one another. It’s so often now that sometimes I’ll forget and in public loudly answer with ‘hello my Persian tropical icecream sweety watermelon minx’ or something to that effect, it changes every time.” —joeyboii23
Raise your hand if you also cringed reading that. How does being called a watermelon make you feel loved?
Stick To The Macarena
“We have a mating dance that has gotten increasingly elaborate in the decade we have been together. Example moves: slapping one’s own butt, moving one’s arms like a choo choo train, one-handed clapping.” —deleted
How many accidental injuries do we think these mating dances have caused? Dancing is harder than it looks.
An Unlikely Pregnancy Annoucement
“We puff out our bellies and make them touch so that the ‘babies’ can talk to each other. I’m not pregnant and he’s definitely not pregnant.” —wxnderless
This can be a great way to feel less subconscious about the beer and food bellies slowly forming. The bigger they get, the easier it will be to touch them together.
Hide Your Kids, Hide Your Wives
“We have a ‘Kiss Monster’ (spoiler alert: it’s me with a blanket over my head), that visits my partner and gives him loads of kisses before slinking off again into the night.
“We have never acknowledged that I am, in fact, the Kiss Monster.” —MonocromeRainbow
I wonder if this was the only way she found to get affection. Maybe they never kiss otherwise, so she had to get creative.
People Really Are Like Animals
“We sneak up on each other and bite each other on the neck to assert ‘dominance.’ We use the ‘dominance’ to win trivial arguments like who do our animals love more.” —FunkySauron
Maybe their animals love them so much because of how much they personally relate to them. Whatever happened to sweet kisses and gentle caresses rather than neck bites? I mean, to each their own…
A Petition To Stop Human Bread
“Well, I just wrapped her up in a brown blanket, rolled her back and forth in bed and told her ‘Shhhhh be bread, it’s okay, just be bread, shhhh, loaf-girlfriend, it’s okay to become bread’ while she cackled and screamed ‘I don’t want to be bread!'” —ThirdFloorNorth
Should we be concerned? This feels like the beginning of a movement. I can already see people protesting with signs that read “I don’t want to be bread. Humans are not bread.”
Three Magical Words
“Dated a Swede for a few years. When he taught me how to say ‘I love you’ in Swedish, (jag älskar dig), I remembered how to pronounce it by saying it as ‘jog racecar day’. For the rest of our relationship whenever we wanted to say ‘love you’ we would just say ‘racecar.'” —vinoKwine
It’s like in The Fault In Our Stars, where “okay? okay” means “I love you.”
Rock, Paper, Scissors, Reinveted
“We invented rock, paper, scissors with kissing! Mouth closed means rock. Mouth open is paper. Tongue sticking out scissors. It devolved into doing it randomly so that we could catch each other by surprise and win!” —Toasterinthetub22
What a terrible way to ruin an innocent children’s game. At least name it something else.
Just For The Sake Of Annoyance
“We often just stand in each other’s way for no reason other than to be annoying.” —clemboy500
This is one I can support. Sometimes you just want to annoy your partner a little bit to pass off some passive-aggressive energy and then move on.
How NOT To Kiss
“We do ‘inverted kissing’. Instead of kissing the lips, one of us surprises the other by opening their mouth big and covering the other party’s puckered up lips. It’s like kissing the void.” —ask-design-reddit
If you want to look like two kids in middle school who were just dared to make out but have never been kissed before, this is how you do it.
You Never Know When You’ll Be Pinned
“We have a 17-year running game of stealthily pinning a clothespin to the other’s clothes. Sometimes, no clothespin for months, and then bam. One in your armpit.” —octopusboots
It’s actually quite impressive that they have been together for 17 whole years. I guess after being together for that long, you run out of ideas on how to keep your partner on their toes.
The Comforting Feeling Of Warm Laundry
“He dumps the laundry on me when it’s warm and fresh out of the dryer, and I sort the socks and underwear from inside the pile while he hangs up the shirts and folds the pants. We call it ‘laundry turtle.'” —thegigglesnort
I’m not sure if this is the most effective way to fold laundry and put it away, but they say that teamwork makes the dream work. At least he actually helps her with the process.
It’s Like Music To Her Ears
“I listen to his weird tummy sounds. I like to vocalize the really loud ones.” —witchygemini
I can only imagine what the vocalization of stomach sounds could possibly sound like or how they’re even humanly recreatable. Let’s leave the organ sounds to the organs.
Who Needs Sleeping Pills?
“We touch our butts together every night before bed and do a little wiggle. It’s part of our routine now and must be done for optimal sleeping.” —nermasnek
If they’re having trouble sleeping, I recommend melatonin, essential oils, warm milk before bed, and exercising during the day. I’m not sure “butt touching” is included in any medical research.
A Snack To Match Every Genre
“Maybe this isn’t that abnormal, but my husband and I ‘match’ our snacks to whatever we are watching. Napoleon Dynamite? Better have the tots. Finding Nemo? Probably getting sushi…etc.” —walkinaroundmoney
Am I the only one who thinks there’s something wrong with eating fish while watching fish characters? Also, how do you decide what snack goes with every movie?
Love Is Its Own Language
“What started as a simple whistle to get the other’s attention has turned into a full-blown second language consisting of nothing but whistles. ‘Hello’ is a simple high tone whistle followed by a slightly lower tone whistle.” —spooney
The next step is running into the ocean and becoming one with the whales and the mermaids. I believe they also communicate through whistles and high pitched screams.
A Quick Call To The Federal Bureau Of Raccoons Will Do
“When one of us snaps at the other, the one who was snapped at goes ‘you snapped, I’m calling the Bureau’ and will pretend to be a raccoon from the Federal Bureau of Raccoons and ask for the person’s name and why they snapped. The punishment is usually to give 10 cuddles to the person who was snapped at.” —Jolly_Parsley
I hate myself for saying this, but this might actually be a nice way to defuse an argument before it escalates with the other person getting defensive and snapping back.