20+ Things Narcissists Say (And What They Really Mean)

Narcissists have a way with words that can be very manipulative. What they say doesn't always reflect what they mean and is often just a tactic to shift the blame and lure you in. Watch out for the following traps.

"What You Don't Understand Is..."

understand
Photo Credit: Vera Arsic / Pexels
Photo Credit: Vera Arsic / Pexels

Basically, they're assuming they're always right and you're wrong, to the point that you can't even begin to understand how wrong you are because they are clearly wiser than you.

Don't even try to correct them, even if you're an expert on the matter, unless you want to deal with their rage or the silent treatment.

ADVERTISEMENT

"It's All About You"

ADVERTISEMENT
couple
Photo Credit: Ba Tik / Pexels
Photo Credit: Ba Tik / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

All you're asking is for your needs to be met, but what they're saying is your needs don't matter as much as theirs. In their world, their problems are much bigger and they matter much more.

ADVERTISEMENT

You should be so happy that someone like them is even in your life, that you shouldn't need anything else.

ADVERTISEMENT

"You're Very Sensitive, Aren’t You?"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
sad
Photo Credit: Anthony Tran / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Anthony Tran / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

They might even be saying it with a smile to mask the fact that what they're actually saying is that it's all in your head, and if you think they're being mean, it's you who needs to fix your way of thinking and be less sensitive.

ADVERTISEMENT

This is a way for them to exert control over you.

ADVERTISEMENT

"We Have Such A Special Connection"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
love
Photo Credit: Allef Vinicius / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Allef Vinicius / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

This might seem romantic at first, but be careful of the over-charmer, especially early on, because what they're really saying is that they want to make you believe what you share can't be replicated and that you'll never be able to find anyone else who loves you like them. This builds dependence so you don't leave, even when you should.

ADVERTISEMENT

"You Are The Only One Who Understands Me"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
lover
Photo Credit: Neonbrand / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Neonbrand / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

This guilt trip trick is their way of making you feel special and needed. Especially if you're an empath (which is the most common type of people narcissist attract), you might get to the point of staying with them just because you feel bad for them and don't want them to be all alone.

ADVERTISEMENT

"I Love You"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
love you
Photo Credit: Anastasiya Lobanovskaya / Pexels
Photo Credit: Anastasiya Lobanovskaya / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

The question isn't whether they love you, because someone can love you and still mistreat you. But that's not what they're going to let you think. By lovebombing you, they are telling you that they own you, and using love to control you.

ADVERTISEMENT

Sweet-talking you is a way to pull you in, so they have the power to discard you whenever.

ADVERTISEMENT

"Why Are You Always Attacking Me?"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
pointing
Photo Credit: Rodolpho Zanardo / Pexels
Photo Credit: Rodolpho Zanardo / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

This is their way of getting you to stop holding them accountable for their actions, because they're likely never going to admit when they're wrong and apologize properly unless it's to benefit themselves.

ADVERTISEMENT

Plus, this is a way of shifting the focus back to you so that you feel bad for upsetting them.

ADVERTISEMENT

"I Don't Understand What You're Talking About"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
confused
Photo Credit: Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels
Photo Credit: Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

If they don't understand, then they can't respond and apologize, right? By pretending not to understand you, they don't have to respond in a logical manner. Instead, you'll be left feeling crazy and wondering if you're even making any sense.

ADVERTISEMENT

"That's Not What Happened"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
Confused
Photo Credit: Polina Zimmerman / Pexels
Photo Credit: Polina Zimmerman / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

This way of gaslighting is a narcissist's way of rewriting a series of events, even one you were fully present for, in a way that will make you completely doubt your own memories.

ADVERTISEMENT

It's designed to make you feel crazy, and for them to live in denial.

ADVERTISEMENT

"Here We Go Again..."

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
again
Photo Credit: Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels
Photo Credit: Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

This way of invalidating you, your feelings, and what you're saying is usually accompanied by an eye roll. They're saying you're being crazy without using those specific words.

ADVERTISEMENT

Not only does it demean and belittle you, but over time, it affects your self-esteem and makes you feel like you maybe you shouldn't even try to speak up anymore.

ADVERTISEMENT

"I Was Just Kidding"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
laughing
Photo Credit: Adrienne Andersen / Pexels
Photo Credit: Adrienne Andersen / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

This is how narcissists often get away with insults and harsh criticism. They brush it off as a joke you should have definitely laughed at, when, in fact, you're hurt to the point of tears.

ADVERTISEMENT

Their intentions are usually malicious even though they claim that they didn't really mean them. They know what they're doing and are trying to cover it up.

ADVERTISEMENT

"My Ex Is Obsessed With Me"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
texting
Photo Credit: Thom Holmes / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Thom Holmes / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

Since they will never admit they were at fault, they will always deflect the blame and make it so it was always their exes who wronged them because they were crazy. And if they are still talking to their ex, it's definitely because their ex is still obsessed with them and not because she's being manipulated.

ADVERTISEMENT

In reality, they probably either turned their ex a little crazy from their behavior, or they'll be calling you that too if and when you break up with them.

ADVERTISEMENT

"I Can't Put Up With This Anymore"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
putting up
Photo Credit: Milan Popovic / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Milan Popovic / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

This empty threat is to make you afraid of them leaving you or the relationship ending so that you start to act exactly the way they want you to.

ADVERTISEMENT

It's a way to manipulate you into investing yourself more in the relationship instead of focusing on what's bothering you about it. Or even to have you end up begging them to stay to feed their ego.

ADVERTISEMENT

"I Am Sorry You Feel That Way"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
thinking
Photo Credit: Nik Shuliahin / Unplash
Photo Credit: Nik Shuliahin / Unplash
ADVERTISEMENT

This half-hearted apology is basically their version of "sorry not sorry." They're not apologizing for what they did, but rather the fact that you chose to be upset.

ADVERTISEMENT

This takes away from the feelings you're entitled to by making the problem about you not getting over it, or being too sensitive.

ADVERTISEMENT

"I Don't Like Talking About My Past"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
enough
Photo Credit: Toa Heftiba / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Toa Heftiba / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

You might hear this when all you want is for them to open up to you and be on the same level of vulnerability that you've given them.

ADVERTISEMENT

However, they've crafted such a specific image of themselves to you that they don't want to risk ruining it, exposing themselves, admitting to mistakes, or worse...telling you something that gives you power you can use against them.

ADVERTISEMENT

"Why Can't You Make Decisions For Yourself?"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
lost
Photo Credit: Ben White / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Ben White / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

Friends and family will often be able to see the toxic way a narcissist treats you before you do due to the way they manipulate you into normalizing it.

ADVERTISEMENT

For that reason, they will try anything to isolate you from everyone so that you have no choice but to listen to and rely on them, and then make it seem like that was your decision.

ADVERTISEMENT

"You Drive Me To Act This Way"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
blaming
Photo Credit: Craig Adderley / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Craig Adderley / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

While they're the only ones in control of their reactions, manipulative and often abusive behavior, and temper, they will somehow find a way to put the blame on you. It's like they're saying it's not their fault they're so mean and angry, it's because you drove them to that point.

ADVERTISEMENT

"Nothing I Do Is Ever Good Enough For You"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
gifts
Photo Credit: Vjapratama / Pexels
Photo Credit: Vjapratama / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

A narcissist will do everything in their power to lower and lower your expectations of them. They will do the absolute bare minimum then make you feel like you're asking for too much and should just be grateful.

ADVERTISEMENT

That's until they start to feel you slipping away. Then you can count on some big gesture to lure you back in and start the cycle back up.

ADVERTISEMENT

"I Promise I'll Make It Up To You"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
making up
Photo Credit: Cotton Bro / Pexels
Photo Credit: Cotton Bro / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

These empty promises give you false hope. It's a way for them to buy time by momentarily making up with you and making you feel like things will start changing for the better.

ADVERTISEMENT

Yet even if things do change, it'll be a front that won't last.

ADVERTISEMENT

"Can We Still Try To Be Friends?"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
friends
Photo Credit: Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels
Photo Credit: Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

Even when you do get out of a relationship with a narcissist, they're going to want to keep a hold on you. They need the satisfaction that they can still have you whenever they want.

ADVERTISEMENT

Even if you agree to be just friends, they will attempt to show you they've changed until you fall back in their trap. Once you're out, it's best to stay away.

ADVERTISEMENT

"You're Crazy"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
woman bending forward in white dress
Photo Credit: Christopher Campbell / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Christopher Campbell / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

A narcissist will try to provoke you on purpose and then bask in your reaction. They want to find a reason to paint you as the bad guy and point the crazy finger towards you instead.

ADVERTISEMENT

Also, this way, it makes you seem bitter and untrusting, or even unstable when you "lash out" and complain about them.

ADVERTISEMENT

"They're Just A Friend"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
women at dinner table smile
Photo Credit: Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels
Photo Credit: Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels
ADVERTISEMENT

They'll full-on be engaging in a flirtatious conversation right in front of you, not even bothering to hide it, and still try to convince you that you're being overly jealous and insecure for being upset over it.

ADVERTISEMENT

In reality, this is their backup person, in case you do finally leave. Someone else to maintain their ego.

ADVERTISEMENT

"You Should Work On Your Trust Issues"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
two hands holding each other and pulling
Photo Credit: Priscilla Du Preez / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Priscilla Du Preez / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

They keep giving you reasons, over and over again, not to trust them through their actions and behavior, and yet they put the blame on you for not just handing that trust back to them. They don't even do anything to earn it back.

ADVERTISEMENT

"I Do Everything For You"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
man cooking while woman sits on the counter watching
Photo Credit: Toa Heftiba / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Toa Heftiba / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

They just take and take and take, and just when you feel like you have nothing left to give, they offer you the smallest effort, one that only works at their convenience, with the sole purpose of making you think they'll give you more so that they can keep on taking.

ADVERTISEMENT

"Shouldn't I Be More Important Than Your Friends?"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
man holds woman by the waist from the back
Photo Credit: Marcelo Matarazzo / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Marcelo Matarazzo / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

It may seem romantic at first when they try to convince you that you don't need anyone but each other...until they try to completely isolate you from all your loved ones.

ADVERTISEMENT

They will try to guilt you into only spending time with them until you lose your ties and become completely dependent on them. This makes it harder to leave them.

ADVERTISEMENT

"Your Tears Won't Work On Me"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
woman crying into her hands by window
Photo Credit: Fa Barboza / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Fa Barboza / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

In their attempts to devalue you, they will go as far as getting upset at you for being upset and taking away your entitlement to your own feelings.

ADVERTISEMENT

You'll feel as though you have no choice but to bottle it all up inside or cry when you're alone and then get mad at yourself for it.

ADVERTISEMENT

"All Relationships Are Hard"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
woman sits in bathtub looking sad
Photo Credit: Naomi August / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Naomi August / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

While that statement might be true, it's also a cop-out. They're simply trying to normalize the toxic relationships they hold. No relationship should ever be so hard that it makes you feel drained, sad, stuck, and like you're walking on eggshells.

ADVERTISEMENT

The highs should at least outnumber the lows.

ADVERTISEMENT

"I Can't Help It, I Was Born Like This"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
man looks confused and pushes his forehead
Photo Credit: Nathan Dumlao / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Nathan Dumlao / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

A narcissist might acknowledge that they have a problem, but that doesn't mean they're planning to do anything about it or change. They will find anything or anyone to blame it on, from the way their parents raised them to having an incurable disease.

ADVERTISEMENT

They might even use it to earn your pity and make you stay.

ADVERTISEMENT

"No One Else Could Ever Love You Like Me"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
couple hugging in front of wall
Photo Credit: Moretza Yousefi / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Moretza Yousefi / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

When they feel insecure or afraid that you might actually be considering leaving them, they'll try to convince you that if you do so, you'll be alone forever.

ADVERTISEMENT

They might tell you that you're too damaged or not good enough for anyone else, or go to the other extreme and try grand gestures to prove that their love for you can't be matched.

ADVERTISEMENT

"I Knew You Were Wrong For Me"

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
man in white shirt texting
Photo Credit: Hannah Busing / Unsplash
Photo Credit: Hannah Busing / Unsplash
ADVERTISEMENT

When you do finally leave them, they won't be able to live with the idea that you were the one to walk out, so they'll desperately try to make it look like they're the ones who discarded you.

ADVERTISEMENT

This also is a manipulation tactic to get you to try to prove your worth or even redeem yourself to win them back.