This one is for every guy who has “bro choice” tattooed on his left buttcheek, specifically. They’re the ones who scoff at your love of video games, talk over you in meetings, and ask you when dinner’s going to be ready. Even though you’re not cooking?
Sure, these narrow-minded guys are stuck in the past, but we do have one thing to thank them for, and that’s how easy they are to make fun of. No offense, but Twitter is so done with conforming to old gender standards, and we are ready to roast some biases.
Kyle’s Got Standards Now, Huh?
This is the same guy who sent you a message in ninth grade history class and asked you for your notes. He’s got big strong opinions about women despite, and let me be frank, spending 90% of his time with virtual ones.
*Sigh* Guys Get Away With So Much
All tea no shade, but guys really do have it so good. All they have to do is shower and the world applauds them. If I had the same morning routine as men in my life, I’d get asked if everything’s OK at home.
Sorry You’re Intimidated
This is the truth. I don’t know how many guys I’ve dated who said they were attracted to my “confidence” but then mysteriously didn’t like it when that confidence meant I wouldn’t do everything they asked of me. You ever tried grocery shopping for someone with 10 dietary restrictions? It’s a nightmare and I’m not doing it.
“Sorry” Is Our Go-To Vocab
Ladies, raise your hand if you’re sick and tired of being conditioned to always apologize for every little thing you do because you live and work in a male-dominated world. Now say you’re sorry just in case someone can smell your BO.
Welcome To Beauty Marketing, XO
I can’t wait for the day that some guys learn about all the extra cash we have to drop as women on unnecessary beauty items because we’re taught to believe they’ll make us look better. I just bought body exfoliant yesterday—that’s just sand mixed with soap. Am I insane?
Nothing More Natural Than The Silent Treatment
Not only did this guy make the big mistake of having an opinion about a woman’s appearance, but he also made the big error of commenting on it during her morning commute. Don’t you know how savage and stressed every human gets when they’re going to potentially be late and miss their morning iced coffee?
‘Scuse Me, Beautiful
If not, they should really start. Why not throw in the musty-breathed whisper in his ear, “Hey beautiful, I’m just gonna sneak by you,” while he spills his vodka cranberry on your shoulder? Yeah, he drinks vodka cranberries too.
Did You Really Need Four Seats?
You know exactly who she’s referring to. It’s Randy with the button-down gingham shirt who’s passed out on four chairs snoring while you furiously stand at the over-crowded gate. Oh, to be born with that audacity.
Gender Roles: Another Reason To Hate The Holidays
There’s a bit of irony here: Notice how the people who are doing the least amount of work are the ones most excited to keep talking about old roles that used to let them get away with not helping out in the kitchen? You know, a great way to beat stereotypes is to make the Caesar salad yourself, dude.
Okay, We Hate Purses, But Come ON
Seriously, how do they do this? Forget the whole pockets thing, this is a separate issue. How are male-dominated industries even a thing if their top executives aren’t prepared for when their lips get a little dry?
Oh, Thank You For Letting Us In For Once
This is not all men, I think we should clarify. I think she’s only referring to the ones who hide 99% of their feelings and only let them out when they’re destroying 14-year-olds on Fortnite.
Live With No Regrets
A good way for this man to avoid this unfortunate situation is to just keep his hands and lip motions to himself. You know, like a normal, sane person generally would.
Marketing: Makes Women Wear A Purse. Men: Here’s Stuff To Put In It
The irony in this is thick, but it’s literally par for the course for anything we do. Whether it’s wearing makeup, having hobbies, or carrying a friggin’ bag, they complain whether we do them or not. I’m getting the feeling we can’t win.
The Nice Guy Complaint Just Says So Much
This tweet is for any guy who’s reframed his rejection as a personal fault of hers instead of something he should work on. Hey, we all do it. Just read an astrology article and they’ll tell you what’s wrong with you so you don’t have to guess.
Mansplaining Is A Curse On This Earth
The second I hear the words “well, actually…” I order a coffee on my mobile app, sit down, maybe put a facemask on, and stick a bag of popcorn in the microwave, because I know I’m going to be here for a while.
To Be Fair, My Marinara Jars Have Stayed Closed
This is hilarious, but it’s also true…until you find out you can use a butter knife to pop the seal. Seriously, I thought my bolognese sauce was doomed until I googled it the other day.
High School Was Seriously The Roughest
I do remember that because I still pull the same dumb stunt for dudes that aren’t worth it. Tell me why I shave my legs when I go out on Saturdays, as if anything’s going to happen. It just shows you the power of social conditioning and the baby-soft feel of a Venus close shave.
Pockets—A Dystopian Luxury
We’ve made the dream a reality when minor gender-specific inconveniences don’t happen to us anymore. Can I get an RSVP to that future, especially if that means I don’t have to smile at strangers?
Where Are My Natural Boot-Cut Ladies At??
This is only funny because it sounds almost believable. Like, they know that we don’t have boot-cut legs…but then again, there’s got to be one guy out there who doesn’t…right?
No Really, Being Condescending Is Funny, Please Continue
You know that the only reason he thinks he’s gone and done the world a favor in the worst and weirdest way possible is because his other bros hyped him up beforehand about it in the group chat…or subreddit.