Cooking shows are supposed to make us feel hungry, entertained, and confident enough to attempt some of the cuisines we see on the screen. Little do they know that we’re out here adding chia seeds to our frosted flakes and calling it a day.
Here are some highly relatable tweets from people like us who just spent all day getting emotionally involved in the duck confit on the screen and now have oodles of falsely instilled confidence. They’re getting all chefy up in here even though that’s exactly what nobody wanted.
Giada, Say “Mozzarella” Again Please
Don’t even lie, you turned the volume all the way up when you say Giada’s beautiful smiling face on the television. We have no idea what she ever made, all we know is that she was our onscreen angel.
Your Woman Crush Wednesday Probably Uses Instant Mashed
Don’t even @ me if you’re still out here looking at the back of Hamburger Helper for inspiration. If your Thanksgiving dinner looks like the leftovers the closing staff at a restaurant tried to dress up then you need to brush up on your Iron Chef reruns.
*Relearns All Mom’s Basic Cooking Advice That I Ignored By Watching Chopped*
Imagine how frustrating it must be for our mothers who tried and failed for literal years to get us to understand what she’s doing in the kitchen, only for us to learn how to boil water when we’re 25 from the Food Network. Sorry mom, this al dente penne pasta is dedicated to you.
WE ARE POWERFUL
The Food Network is a beautiful thing that makes gourmet and delicious cooking accessible for the average Joes and Janes with a TV. What do we do with all this confidence? Absolutely burn the heck out of the pancetta because we still have no idea how to cook.
Life Pauses For Masterchef
When The Food Network plays all day every day and isn’t shy about slinging you those reruns, you best be ready to spend your entire day on there. That means prioritizing and calling in sick to that final exam.
It’s Called “Life” Cereal Because We’re Living Our Best One
The world is a little less cold and grey when we can find a way to make our corn flakes absolutely sparkle. Dress that high fructose corn syrup up with a lil’ razzle-dazzle and a strawberry and you’re ready to dig in. Bone apple tea.
BAM Baby Welcome To My Kitchen
Oh I’m sorry, did you have a criticism about my food in my kitchen while I’m wearing my cooking apron? You’ll eat it and love it even though I just sprinkled Tex Mex on toast because I have no idea what I’m doing and have an easily bruised ego.
Annnd Just A Pinch Of MSG
A weird flex of being a die-hard Food Network fan is that we have absolutely none of the fresh ingredients on the shows we watch, but a desire to act as if we have the same passion for the craft as the chefs. This is the reason why we add that little flick of the wrist when stirring the spaghetti for a little “pizzazz.”
Don’t Even @ Me If Your Spices Aren’t Smoked
In our own small way, we’re out here trying to be as gourmet as we can. Considering there’s only $12 in the budget for food this week, the fanciest we go is down to the spice rack to really treat ourselves to some $0.80 garlic salt.
You Need To Come Down After A Full Day Of Tough MasterChef Eliminations
God, it’s just so hard seeing good friends come and go. It can be a whirlwind of emotions watching your favorite cupcake artists get the ax one after another. We’re on our couches with tears streaming down our faces talking about the trauma to our cat.
Somebody, Anybody, Just Beat Bobby For God’s Sake
The Flay is here to stay and he always slays, even though we wish he wasn’t. The Flay is a master who’s not afraid to embarrass some aspiring chefs and has little to gain from winning. We just respect, fear, and want him beat so so bad.
Who Knew We Were All Fusion Chefs
Honestly, thank god for the Food Network because otherwise, we’d be out here making quality gourmet meals without knowing how truly fresh, unique, and delicious they really were. May I interest you in my pressed boeuf patty topped with a slice of tomato a la julienne?
Hi Everyone, Guy Fieri Was, And Continues To Be, A Style Icon
Frosted tips were a huge cultural trend back in the early/mid-2000s, but Guy Fieri did what no boy band had the courage to do, and turned a trend into his lifestyle. Our bad boy Fieri refuses to stop with the tips and we want it no other way.
FULL THROTTLE TO FLAVOR TOWN
Don’t even act like you don’t get that boost of serotonin the second you hear the first theme song note of Diners, Drive-Ins, And Dives and see that glistening red Miata convertible. Take me all the way to Flavor Town Guy. No bathroom breaks on this road trip either.
We Finally Have The Confidence To Make A Sandwich
The Food Network got us feeling all types of confidence coursing through our veins that we never felt before. It’s got us stepping up to our toaster, looking it in its shiny plastic surface, and making a club sandwich for the first time in our lives.
It’s Always On And It’s Always Quality Daytime Programming
If The Food Network isn’t the station on at the dentist’s office, at the gym, in the bar, or on the mini TVs on the backs of the airplane seats, then we’re just lost. Completely lost. What else are we supposed to ignore strangers with? We’re not watching sports.
It Pulls Back The Curtain On Jolly Ol’ Saint Boyardee
One of the (only) downsides of watching the Food Network is having to have that hard conversation with your child after about how Chef Boyardee isn’t real and he’s not the only guy in the ravioli game. While we’re at it, we’re going to have to have a conversation about Aunt Jemima.
There’s Always The One Show We Love To Hate
Let’s face it, some of this programming has us gripping the edges of the couch and saying that we could make it just as well. It’s those infamous chefs that really stick with us and inspire us just as effectively.
Slóppé Josephs A La Tex Méx
The Food Network needs to respond to our direct mentions already because we’re out here creating #masterpieces for them to draw inspiration from. Forget about heirloom tomatoes from the South of France, lemme tell you about my mean chicken burgers.
It Makes You Ask The Tough Questions
Any Food Network or Great British Bakeoff fan is bound to get philosophical. We’re sitting here wondering where they store all the ingredients, whether there’s a recipe they’re following, and the dishes… where are the dishes?
You’ve Got To Get Used To The Tough Goodbyes
You’ve got to harden your heart if you’re going to be a true Food Network fan because your favorites will always leave them when you don’t want them to. You can spend a whole nine episodes getting to know someone and they can get cut out of your life just like that on a puff pastry challenge. Truly heartbreaking.
*Watches British Bake Off Once And Now Is Posh*
Now, now, we’re all here for elevating traditional dishes and flavors, so what’s the harm in elevating our evenings as well? We’re posh people now with sophisticated palettes and we can’t be winding down the day without a little bubbly.
Food Network Always Blessing Us With The Spinoffs
Kid, home cooks, teens, military families—they’re all out here on the grills absolutely pulling at our heartstrings and making us believe in the power of dreams. I’ll scream cry if the kid with dreams of being a professional quesadilla chef gets eliminated week three.
*Wipes Tear* They’re So Young And Spirited
Thank you, Master Chef, for showing us children with big goals and dreams that take us back to simpler times when we had dreams too. I’m saluting them from my couch where I’m in my blanket cocoon at three pm on a Wednesday.
They’re Not “Tater Tots,” They’re Puréed Yukon Gold Sauteed With A Panko Coating
To be honest, why doesn’t the picture of avocado toast I tweeted this afternoon secure me a spot on Master Chef? Can’t they see how talented I am? Seriously, someone needs to call me because I can make many more versions of avocado toast with eggs and butter and everything.
A Subscription To The Food Network Is The Only Self Care Item We Need, Thank You
The Food Network has a tough time knowing their audience because we’re still seeing ads for kitchen gear, home goods, and skin products as if we’re actually here to “better” ourselves. We’re here to watch the Flay while the rest of our life crumbles and that’s it.
We Can’t Cook, But That Doesn’t Mean We Can’t Dream
It doesn’t have to be edible if it’s on the plate—haven’t you ever seen a cake creation before? There are structural elements and things to add pizzazz. That’s exactly what this BBQ sauce covered pencil is, pizzazz.
We Can’t Trust The Process
Why can’t we be able to organically absorb the information that’s being presented on the screen? It’s unfair that we have to sit and watch for hours and then have to do a google search for how to cook chicken. Where’s my osmosis brain, hello science???
He’s Human, He’s Gotta Be Human… Right?
The Flayyyyyyy takes no prisoners and that’s the truth. He’s more machine than man and so efficient we wouldn’t be surprised if he’s got those Mr. Roboto arms that can turn into whisks and knives. The Flay is a fearsome beast and anyone who faces him is stepping into a David vs Goliath narrative.
The Secret Ingredient Is Always Pistachio And You Can Bet On That
I’ll eat my Food Network cable package bill if one of the secret ingredients isn’t a nut of some sort. When they throw the pistachio or the hazelnut into a beef entree dish none of us are shocked anymore—but we’re very intrigued. Very.