Tweets That Will Stamp Those Stomach Butterflies Right Out
This is your daily reminder that dying alone is sometimes way more preferable than being with someone forever. Think about it, you get all that extra room and you don't have to share the graveyard equivalent of covers for an eternity.
If you think you're catching feelings and need a quick reality check, these tweets will let you get control over your nervous little heart. They're bitter like your soul and your coffee and will give you that reality check you need.
A Constructive First Date
So glad this woman got a solid round of constructive criticism with the dinner tonight. If it was me I'd probably spend the rest of the evening crying in the bathroom before asking for my shrimp alfredo to go.
Why Put Yourself Through The Mental Circus Of A "Good Morning" Text?
Dating straight up hurts and it hurts a lot. Whether it's your toxic partner or your anxious brain inflicting the pain, you're always getting hurt. If one "good morning" text can make you feel this way, I don't even have to tell you how a "we need to talk" text feels.
You're Just Smarter (And More Annoying, Let's Be Honest)
You know you're really hitting a dating dry spell when every person you link up with is asking you how in the heck you're single. That's a personal question people, and it's between me and my Netflix addiction.
Even If You're Not In The Dental Field...Teeth Are A Requirement
This is a lot of information and nearly all of it is red flags. First of all, why would you ever drive five hours for a first date? And why show up without a very important part of your face? I'm curious if he thought she was going to fix them for him.
Is Blindness And Love The Same Thing??
Look, you don't have to be with someone if you two aren't a good match—being alone is far better than being with someone who makes your life worse. But I get it, it is appealing to just ignore everything and settle for the first person who's a good cuddler.
Truly, A Nightmarish First Date
Hey fellas and ladies, nobody should do this to their dates ever, please. I'm putting the word out there because this happened to me as well, except it was on a second date and when he suggested it I put my foot down.
On An Unrelated Note...Are You Renting A Bedroom?
Does this man really not think that she's going to put two and two together and come up with the obvious solution that he's trying to move in and won't be the greatest roommate? I'm glad she dodged this bullet and all those dishes in the sink.
*Whispers To Self* Don't Do It
I need this internal monologue playing the entire time while I'm on dating apps because honestly, at this point I'm just self-sabotaging. I know it's not gonna work out (because it never does) but some part of me is always hopeful for a good swipe.
You're Basically Just Helping Them Get Experience
It truly is because most of them don't know how to talk about feelings yet, don't have an established sense of style, and won't get your coffee order right. Even though you've texted it to them a hundred times.
Do You Want A Relationship Or A Laundry Partner?
A great way to figure this out is if you have vivid fantasies of having a partner that weirdly get triggered by trips to the grocery store. You just want someone to drive you there and carry the bags...
I'm Not Insecure, You Are
You know what they say on job interviews—try to spin the negative as a positive. So when someone asks you why you're not seeing anyone just pretend your sunny personality is just blinding everyone around you.
Hard Pass On Leaving The House
Excuse me, why would you ever think it's an excellent idea for me to leave the house, put makeup on, socialize, and generally be a normal human being when I could be myself? A troll.
Sure You're Single, But You're Also A Data Analyst
When your boss asks you to work unpaid overtime do you do it? No. So why do it for someone you're supposed to be having fun with? If dating is starting to feel like a chore just hop right on out of that situation.
Just Let It Happen To Other People
This is how I feel watching romantic comedies knowing full well that I'll never meet "Mr. Right" by running into him at the local panini shop on Central Avenue. Try as I might, no cutie is going to bump into me and smear his marinara-filled carbohydrate on my sweater and then offer to pay for it to be cleaned.
Save Yourself The Heartache And The Money On Therapy Sessions
When Aunt Kathy? When is this promised "one day?" Promising this nightmare is going to end at some far-off point in the future makes me feel like I'm a soldier holding onto empty promises that it'll all be over soon.
Since When Is TikTok This Accurate??
I agree with this tweet, but I'm confused—when did TikTok become the center of all knowledge in the universe? All of a sudden it's wise now? Just yesterday it felt like it was only dancing videos on there.
Someone Had To Say It
If only all my exes had this kind of introspection because it would've saved me a lot of time after being cheated on. If I knew they just needed a bed warmer I would've walked away way before I gave them my wifi password.
You Gotta Clamp Down On The Desperation Demon
Asking for a friend, but how does one erase their feelings and act normal around someone they're romantically interested in? Is this even possible? I—I mean, my friend would love to know ASAP since she's drowning in failed Tinder dates.
Can You Commit To More Than Just Clean Clothes When You "Dress Up" For Dates?
The amount of effort my chaotic and unorganized self puts into dating is the exact same as every other aspect of my life. Next to nothing, but just enough that you're not going to call my mom and ask her to check in on me.
Idle Hands Make Relationship Statuses
Having a regular job where you're literally forced to interact with people is the best way to fill your social quota while also not having to deal with Tinder drama. Plus, money is super nice.
