You would think that it would take a lot for an app like Tinder to ban you, considering how many weird or gross things people say with no consequences, but apparently, it’s not as hard as you think—at least according to one man.
Jake says he tried to take dating on Tinder seriously, but after one too many strange dates, he knew it was time to have a little fun with his profiles. That somehow led to him being banned from the app without warning, but not before he created some great profiles.
Eminem Would Be Proud
Who doesn’t appreciate a little throwback to the years where they were obsessed with 8 Mile and convinced that they were going to be the one kid from their hometown to become the next Eminem?
The Data Stealing Comes Later
The only time that Jake will be looking to steal your data is at the end of your relationship when you’re still using his Netflix password and he wants to see what you’ve been watching after the breakup.
He’d Be A Good (Cross)Fit For You
Never swipe right on someone who does Crossfit or is a vegan unless you want that to be the only thing you talk about for the majority of your relationship with said person.
Hit Them With The Relevant Pop Culture References
Whenever a new show on Netflix becomes super popular or Drake drops a new song, it seems like every other person puts a reference to it in their bio, but how many people actually create pictures around it?
No Need To Protest This One
Sweeten them up by letting them know they’re all the sugar you would ever need, plus weed out anyone who is a Keeping Up With the Kardashian superfan, so you never have to be forced into watching it against your will.
Appeal To Their Rebellious Side
There’s a fine line between the women who like “bad boys” (like boys who wear leather jackets or occasionally get in trouble in school), and the women who like men that are behind bars in prison somewhere.
Bring Them To Their Knees
If you’re looking for a man to make you weak in the knees, apparently, you don’t need to look any further than Jake. Plus, he knows Leonardo DiCaprio, clearly, so that’s another point for him.
Feeling The Holiday Spirit
No two words go better together than “Tinder” and “ghosting” in the age of modern dating and never dealing with problems head-on, so it makes sense that he’d turn that into a profile theme.
Who Could Say No To Those Odds?
Now that he’s tried his hand at crafting Tinder profiles, Jake is looking to try the odds on other dating apps like Christian Mingle or Farmers Only to test his creativity.
Get Ready For A Magical Night
He could have made some Slytherin puns that were a lot worse than this one, so clearly, he’s a man who knows when the appropriate time to make inappropriate jokes is.
Bless This Heavenly Match
Sometimes, you don’t need to make it complicated for it to be a success. What do women want? To not have to overthink everything. “Swipe that way”? Okay, I will.
The Irresistible Smell Of 13-Year-Olds
If you want to get hit with a wave of nostalgia (as well as a wave of nausea), getting a big strong whiff of Axe body spray will take you right back to middle school.
In the age of streaming services, looking for someone who has access to different platforms than you is important when choosing a partner. He’s got the Netflix login, you’ve got Hulu covered, you can split HBO Go.
Appeal to everyone’s sense of existential dread, and the fear of dying alone will force them to pity-swipe right on you. It doesn’t matter the reason they swiped, it’s still a match.
Show Them What You Stand For
Or in this case, what you’re willing to not stand for. While politics is something you might want to avoid at a dinner party, if you put something political on your profile, you’ll at least weed out anyone who opposes you.
‘Tis The Season
Holiday content is pretty much always guaranteed to be a win, because who doesn’t like to feel the Christmas spirit? Maybe he’ll get lucky and get some super likes after someone has one too many spirits at their office holiday party…
Who Doesn’t Like Baggage?
Whenever a man is holding a baby in his profile, you have to play the game of “do you think it’s his kid or someone else’s?” so at least he comes right out and says he’s bringing the baggage.
You Won’t Be A Single Lady For Long
A man who has an in-depth knowledge of Beyoncé is going to count as a winner in a lot of women’s books, especially if he can rock a black leotard like Jake can.
Let Your Ex Go
The best way to get over somebody is to watch Disney movies with a stranger you met on the internet. Find a new man to stick your cold feet under at night.
Taylor Swift Is Always A Strong Choice
You’re going to score bonus points for the Taylor Swift reference from some girls, but you also have to be prepared that any girl who likes Taylor Swift is also going to be a girl looking for revenge if you scorn her.