You haven’t met perseverance until you’ve met a grownup who’s so inconsolably lonely that they’ll risk their life to get some. I do have a feeling, though, that this isn’t the “pursuit of happiness” our founding fathers wanted.
Honestly, I hope these horndogs are joking because this is just plain dumb if they’re not. There are plenty of reasons to put the brakes on your love life, and a governmentally mandated bout of self-isolation and social distancing is a pretty strong one.
You Also Can’t Spell It Without “Quit”
I know that usually spelling things out is a good way to learn what word means…but this technique is clearly failing this dude. Luckily for him, plenty of schools are offering online classes right now, so he can brush up.
His Eyebrows Didn’t Survive Isolation
I’m laughing now, but honestly, this could be me tomorrow. You never know when your psyche is just going to break and you’ll start whole-heartedly believing that not having eyebrows will solve your issues.
You Had Me At Three-Ply
I can’t even imagine how many swipes Bella got. I do have one question, though: isn’t she worried about toilet paper poachers coming to find her? I’m just putting that out there, three-ply is a total hot ticket item.
This “Dirty Talk” Somehow Worked And Didn’t Scare The Other Person Off
I would laugh at this if there wasn’t a study that recently came out that says that 30% of men don’t wash their hands after visiting the restroom. This is just too close to home to be funny.
Probably The Hottest Profile On Tinder Right Now (Why, Though??)
Every suburban mom who’s been stockpiling toilet paper for no good reason just felt a shiver run down her spine. They’ve got senses for this kind of stuff, don’t you know.
The Final Rose Is Just A GIF
I would love to be a part of this considering this past season of The Bachelor was a trainwreck and I feel cheated of my time. The only drawback is that she can’t recreate Champagne-gate virtually.
Things Are Moving A Little Fast
Some people don’t have time to wait and focus on small talk. They’ve got business to do, and it involves skipping straight to ghosting, the final frontier of any healthy relationship.
Just Mentally Prep Yourself
If your name sounds like you worked for a summer at J Crew and were a starter on your JV high school lacrosse team (a fact that you mention often), I don’t want to be quarantined with you. Just saying.
Something Tells Me Chris Watched I Am Legend Before This
Chris, my dude, if you are not only on Tinder but are broadcasting yourself on AM and FM frequencies, then I have some bad news for you…everyone just uses Spotify now. I know that’s a lot to take in.
I Mean…You Should Probably Still Bring PPE
No, please still bring the hazmat suits. Actually, if you don’t want to bring them, I have an even better idea—just cancel the Tinder date. What are you guys going to talk about anyway? You haven’t really done anything interesting in days.
This Profile Interests 99.9% Of Users
I would love to have the social clout that a bottle of hand sanitizer has right now. I wouldn’t, however, want how it’s gone up and down in popularity. I wouldn’t want to be loved only now, when you’re at Disney World, or when you’re traveling.
Don’t Call Your Exes Ever…Even If You’re Social-Distancing Level Lonely
It must’ve been one heck of a coffee date for this person to reach out of the ether to contact her via Facetime. If I was doing something this bold, I’d at least start off with a text and work myself up the chain of interaction to video chatting.
Flirtation With A Dash Of Childhood Issues
Hey, practice makes perfect, so I’m glad this guy is looking on the bright side of life right now and dredging up those social distancing skills. Good thing he won’t match with his dad on Tinder, though.
Nobody Mention Economics To Me Right Now
On a scale of funny to not funny, checking my stocks, investments, and loans right now rank in the bottom three respectively. Maybe choose “do you have a dog?” as a lighter, more topical opening Tinder question.
This Is A Literal Nightmare
My heart goes out to this person who’s spending some extreme quality time with their Tinder date. I couldn’t even imagine how hard this would be since I can barely commit to seeing my Tinder dates for an hour for coffee.
I Don’t Know If That’s The Worst Thing
I think this guy maybe should’ve taken a good look around at the world before tweeting this. This is going to age like milk… Actually, it started off like spoiled milk to begin with, so that’s not even the right metaphor.
If You Don’t Like It, Maybe This Is A Sign You Should Get Off The App?
If you find yourself wasting your own time and someone else’s time who you’re clearly not interested in, it’s a good sign you should get a different hobby for social distancing. How about knitting? Let’s all get into knitting.
Since Dogs Are Immune…
I haven’t seen a dog in 12 days, so yeah, I would definitely swipe left on this pup. If all it wants is some treats and a scratch behind the ears, I will happily provide them while wearing a full hazmat suit.
How Are You Going To Cheat On Your Spouse When You’re In The Same House?
First of all, if you matched with your ex, you also swiped right on him, so let’s not play the blame game. Second of all, I’m confused about the logistics of how this married man is going to go behind his spouse’s back.
This Is The Only Acceptable Tinder Behavior Right Now
This is what the app should be used for right now, people! Send your fellow humans some pet pictures so we can all enjoy them while we’re bored out of our skulls.