When you’re 5’3” like I am, the world is a pretty big place. From climbing on countertops, ill-fitting clothes, and being on the short end of jokes, our lives are essentially one giant (well, small) comedy.
Join me, vertically challenged women, on an adventure through the hilarious and relatable struggles of day-to-day life. It’s a big world out there and nothing is at eye level, so get ready for a bit of neck pain.
An Introduction To Being Short
When I was growing up I learned very quickly that this was as tall as I was going to yet. In elementary school, I even had a nickname to reflect my lack of height: Stubby. Let’s just say that 20 years later, “Stubby” is still stubby.
So where is the rest of me? I’m still trying to figure that out, and I’m sure my short sisters are too.
Did you know that short women have our own slogan? Whether reaching for something on the top shelf, being stuck behind a human giraffe at a concert, or just waking up in the morning, this is our go-to mantra.
Life has thrown us a tiny bag of lemons, so hot damn we’re going to make a small cup of lemonade. And then we’re going to fill that cup with some vodka because—contrary to our size—we are adults.
People Love Reminding Us We’re Short
Our height will always be the punch line of someone’s snarky comment, and people love to remind you that you’re short. “How’s the weather down there?” “Sunny, with a chance of I-might-kill-you-later.”
If I could do the math, I’m sure I’d be mad right about now.
The Deep End
Summer is out in full swing and with that comes easy and breezy afternoons spent suntanning on the beach or relaxing in a lounger near the swimming pool with a boozy drink in hand.
That is until you want to take a dip in the pool or ocean. Not only can our feet barely touch the bottom of the pool, but if you’re brave enough to venture out into the ocean, one wave is large enough to topple you over.
When Clothes Are Too Big On You
Did you just buy a cute shirt or pair of pants at the store? Bet you’re excited to get home and try them on, but deep down, there’s always the worry that this is going to happen.
Guess I’m shopping at Baby Gap.
Give Me All The Blankets
It’s not just clothes that are too big on us but blankets too that we can easily disappear underneath. But that handkerchief will double as a kleenex to wipe my nose during allergy season and a murder weapon to unexpectedly suffocate anyone who makes fun of my height. Who’d ever suspect a delicate and lacy handkerchief?
Better watch out, @Milito177.
Work Smarter, Not Harder
What we lack in height we make up for by using our intelligence to obtain (and literally grab hold of) the items that are just out of our reach. Sometimes my significant other hides the bottles of alcohol on the very top shelf where he thinks I can’t reach.
But that’s why kitchen tongs, countertops, and chairs were invented. Short girls – 1, everyone else – 0.
We’re Often The Butt Of Jokes
People just can’t resist the urge to make fun of our height. Particularly, our inability to reach things.
Well, call me an Olympic gymnast because this is what we often have to go through to get stuff off the top shelf.
Nobody Can Take Us Seriously
On the inside, we might have fiery tempers, but on the outside, we look like children, and therefore no one can take us seriously. It’s like the angrier we get, the funnier we become.
You ever see a short girl get mad? It’s like watching a fluffy bunny throw a tantrum.
Flying Can Be A Challenge
About to board a plane and you’ve got a giant carry-on that needs to be stored away in the overhead compartment?
Every short girl knows this struggle. For some reason, we brought luggage as big as us, and we secretly hope someone on the plane will offer to help us.
The Trials Of Pregnancy
During pregnancy, our bodies are busy at work and we get to relish in our youthful glow, tiny baby bumps, and the elation of impending motherhood.
That is until we enter the latter stages of pregnancy and turn into walking balls. What’s the point of walking right now? Just roll me around everywhere.
When You Have A Boyfriend
Love literally comes in many sizes. As a short girl, it’s pretty much a given that any guy you date will be taller than you. As adorable as we look as a couple, sometimes the height difference can be jarring, and I can only imagine the neck pain they put up with having to bend down to kiss us.
But because we’re short, being the little spoon is like being cradled inside a warm cocoon. That’s how I feel until my 6’ tall significant other asks to be the little spoon.
Just Gonna Leave This Here
This tweet alone speaks volumes, so I’m not going to add anything else to it and instead let you all read it.
But do you see the crap we put up with every day?
Sometimes You Wonder Why The Universe Hates You
When all these struggles pile up and you try to climb out into freedom, you’re constantly reminded by the universe that this is the body you’re stuck with. Nothing angers you more than watching 5’10” models strut down the catwalk during Victoria’s Secret fashion shows.
So if we’re all going to burn in hell anyway, then I’m going out in a blaze of pint-sized glory.
A Testament To Our Power
When it comes to being short, it’s not all bad. In the Olympics and women’s gymnastics, there is the GOAT and the OG (“Olympic Grandma” as she affectionately called it), Simone Biles.
At only 4’8”, Biles is the most decorated American gymnast of all time and proof that although she’s small, she’s a powerhouse to be reckoned with.
High Heels Heal All Wounds
While our shirt sleeves and pants might be too long, there is one fashion accessory that has never betrayed us and is always there to give us a (literal) boost: high heels.
One of the benefits of being short is that a simple pair of high heels or full-blown stilettos can fix our size and even confidence. Whereas if you’re already a tall woman, you risk becoming a wobbly Amazonian warrior.
A Perfect Punchable Height
Yeah, it’s all well and good until someone gets punched in the nuts for one short joke too many.
The benefit of being short is we’re the perfect height to inflict well-deserved pain, and in case we’re ever out in public and see someone we know who we don’t want to talk to, everywhere is a hiding place.
If You’ve Got It, Flaunt It
You’re short and have ordered one too many pumpkin spice lattes from Starbucks. The next thing you know, you’ve got a little belly. If you’re tall, there are plenty of places for the excess weight to go, but when you’re short, your options are quite limited.
But the same goes for when you’ve got assets. These adorable dogs emulate pretty much every short girl who’s ever posed for a photo and have looked fabulous while doing it.
Selling Ourselves Short
Sometimes there are people who think we short women look down on ourselves too much, or that we view our height as a disadvantage (probably said by someone who’s 5’10”).
While we were gifted the short end of the genetic stick, I think the best thing we can do is embrace our teeny-tiny height, and whether struggling to reach something on the top shelf or being the butt of a joke, learn to love our perfectly pint-sized selves.
Stop And Smell The Flowers
So are there some comical disadvantages to being short? Absolutely, but it’s not all bad either. Would a photo of a group of smiling girls in a sunflower field ever lie to you?
Look on the bright side, ladies, much like the Halloween candy you eat every October 31, we too are fun-sized. Plus because we’re women, if we’re ever on a sinking ship we’ll get the first crack at the lifeboats (at least that’s what Titanic taught me). And because we’re short, there’s more room for us in there too.