We’ve all overheard conversations at Starbucks or while we’re on the subway that we wish other people could’ve been listening to. These are the conversations that make you immediately pull out your phone to text your friend about it because you need someone else to be in on them, or the ones that you don’t even feel bad about eavesdropping on because they’re too funny.
Luckily, social media has provided the perfect place to share those weird overheard conversations, and we’ve collected some of the funniest and worst ones.
Men, take note: If a woman cuts her hair after a breakup, it’s game over for you. A haircut means she was looking for a change, and if she dyes it? You must’ve seriously wronged her.
Twelve Months’ Notice Is Too Much Notice
We love a man who makes plans for the future, but not that far in the future. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. Figure out your plans for Easter and see if you even still like each other by the summer.
A Heads-Up Would Be Nice
There should be an app where people are able to review their former partners like Rate My Professor, so you don’t go into a new relationship blindly, diving head-first into the abyss.
Soon You’ll Have To Drop Your Price
Not only will other people start to wonder what’s wrong with you, you’ll start to wonder, too. Do you have black mold hidden in the walls? Do you need to renovate the kitchen before someone is going to be willing to put in an offer?
You’re The Only Judgmental Millennials
We’re not saying that you deserve to be judged if this is how you think generations work… but we’re just saying we’re not exactly surprised that an older generation might be judging you.
The Only Acceptable Time To Do This Is Never
You can be this customer, but don’t be this customer if there’s a line of people behind you and it’s 8 a.m. on a Tuesday morning. Sunday at 3 p.m. is the time to experiment with a new drink, not when it’s the morning rush to work.
Every Hour Is Rush Hour In LA
Los Angeles is probably one of the only cities in the world where a 5-year-old complaining about traffic at their ballet class would seem completely natural to everyone around them.
Don’t Believe Everything You Hear
If you were naïve enough to believe someone when they said that they were only five minutes away, that’s on you. Everyone knows that “be there in five” means they’re just leaving the house now.
That’s The Spirit!
You might as well set everyone’s expectations low from the beginning—it will make all of our lives easier. Plus, this way if you help them even a little bit, they’re going to think you’re exceptional.
Would you rather be broken up with through a post on your Facebook wall, someone updating their status to single, or through a Post-It note à la Berger from Sex and the City?
Save Up Your Energy
Any introverted person can relate to this conversation. You only have so many funny anecdotes about your week stocked up, so you can’t waste them all during happy hour before the whole group arrives.
“La-La Land” Might As Well Be Called “Neverland”
If dating is going to teach you anything, it’s that age really is just a number. Everyone matures at their own pace, and men in LA are behind the curve.
Don’t Accept Less Than You Deserve
You have to create the life you want. Dream big, bigger than creating carnitas bowls and steak burritos for 20 hours a week at a minimum wage job. If you act like you like it, you’re an actor!
Stay Hydrated, Stay Happy
Everyone needs that one friend who can help them keep themselves and their emotions in check, and clearly this girl is that friend. Don’t waste your tears on him—cry over Coachella being canceled instead.
You Don’t Need This Negativity In Your Life
At what point does a nap turn into just going to bed? Is length important for this classification, or do we leave it up to the intention of the person? If you want to have a nap, it doesn’t matter how long it is. A nap can be whatever your heart desires.
Asking The Important Questions
While it would be easy to only focus on the first part of the conversation, we’d like to give a shout-out to the second person who clearly has their priorities in order.
Emotionally? We Never Opened
Anyone who has ever worked in a customer service job knows the pain of someone showing up 20 minutes before closing, or even worse, five minutes before. All you want is to lock the doors and tell them they can’t come in, just like you do to all your repressed feelings.
Don’t Let Him Take This Away From You
Don’t ever let your ex take away the places that you love. After a breakup, it’s natural to stop going to some of the places you used to go together, like the restaurant you always went to—but you have to stand up for what you need.
It’s An Endless Cycle
Eventually, you’ll get to the point where you start being honest and telling people that you thought the tattoo meant “abundance,” but in actuality, it means something like “bucket” because you just don’t have the energy to lie anymore.
Shut This Party Down
There comes a point in every night out where you realize you need to go immediately because you can’t take any more social interaction, and if someone tries to come with you, you might just explode.