Dating sucks. We can't beat around that bush. This isn't going to be like when a woman is pregnant and all her friends who have had children pretend that giving birth isn't the worst thing on earth. No no. Dating is the worst.
It's painful and exhausting and it makes you question the human race as a whole. The only upside is that you can laugh about it, and laugh about other people's terrible dating experiences.
Answering Those Tough Questions
You get to the point where you've been single for so long that your standards have monumentally changed from the time you started, and now you're basically just looking for anyone that you can mildly tolerate.
How Do They Consistently Get The Worst Angles?
This is a PSA to any man making a dating profile, but especially those over 40: please just get a friend or family member to take your profile photos so that you don't end up with weird chin pics.
The Newest Dating Craze
One of the most important things that you need to know before you commit to anyone is what shows are they currently watching and what does their Netflix list look like. That will tell you everything you need to know about them.
What're You Looking For?
"So what're you looking for?" is basically the question no one knows the answer to, and no one wants to be asked. Everyone is confused, and no one knows what they want or why they're still on this app.
He Definitely Deserves It
If a man has the audacity to ask a girl he's just met to send him nude photos, then he deserves to endure any evil pranks she thinks up as a response.
There's A Science Behind It
You quickly have to learn how many times it's appropriate to text someone without them answering. You have to walk that fine line between interested and crazy ex-girlfriend. After 3 days, you've probably already texted him a couple of times so now you have to remind him of how wonderful you are so he'll answer you.
Are People Really This Dumb?
The worst part is that this guy could've just taken a few seconds to exit the dating app and do a quick Google search on finance, but instead he did this.
See, the thing is that you can think of reasons why they didn't respond—they lost their phone in the back of an Uber, they are in in the hospital with a life-threatening injury, etc.—until there is proof that they just don't care about you.
Harness The Power Of The Fab Five
When you start dating someone new, you often realize that they might need a little... assistance. Dressing a little better, learning how to use a hairbrush, or figuring out how to clean the dishes off their bedroom floor. You know, the usual.
Who Run The World?
Dating can be really bleak if you're a woman with a busy career or someone in a higher-power position that makes insecure men question their masculinity. Remember ladies, you have a 401K, you don't need him and his apartment that has a milk crate for a TV stand.
Aim Low To Avoid Disappointment
Remember in elementary school health class when you were told that girls and boys mature at different rates and that boys mature slower? What they didn't tell you was that boys don't catch up until they're like 30.
Seeing Other People
Online dating is tough because you don't want to put all your eggs in one basket, and you get that your date might still be talking to other people. But FIVE dates in one night is a John Tucker Must Die situation.
Till Death Do Us Part
Do you have a glass half empty or glass half full perspective? It all depends on how long you've been single for. The longer you've been on your own, the more you realize how true this is.
A Couple Of Fish
You slowly begin to realize that though there are plenty of fish, some of those fish — most of them — are not fish that you want to bring home or take to meet your parents. They're fish you want to flush.
Waste Of Time
The worst part about this is that this girl has clearly been out with this man before, which means she wasted not just one but at least two carefully curated outfits on him.
The First Three Letters In Funeral Are F-U-N
Ladies, if you're going on a Tinder date you always need to have an escape plan. Have a friend on standby ready to call you so she can get you away from this man's entire family.
This is the level of confidence we should all aspire to have. Aim to have the self esteem to get up in front of a room of strangers that includes your date who you met that evening, and read a poem about your ex boyfriend. It can't get any better.
He's No Gordon Ramsay
Men in their twenties are out here doing the absolute bare minimum and expecting you to be impressed. Sorry, we're not down to pretend your bland dinner tastes like anything but the cardboard it is.
Moment Of Weakness
Every once in a while you have moments where you wish you were in a relationship, but then you open Tinder to find an unsolicited picture of a man's genitalia and you realize you're happy being alone for now.
You Come Here Often?
You go through phases where you delete all the apps on your own, telling yourself that now's the time you're going to meet someone organically but then two weeks from now during a 3 am spiral you'll re-download it.
Build That Fanbase
Dating is really just a way to continue to build your Instagram following. No one ever remembers to unfollow people on Instagram after they've mutually ghosted each other, so now you have dudes you haven't spoken to since that 3 week period in March watching your story.
Meeting people at a bar is such a risky situation because you truly have no idea what you talked about, and you only vaguely remember what he looks like. So now you're stuck basically going on a blind date.
Time To Switch To Decaf
There are only so many things that you can do on a first date, and coffee always seems like an easy choice. But maybe it's time to switch to bubble tea or just a water date.
Too Much Too Soon
It's hard to know how much you should reveal to someone and how quickly as well. You need to show them you're weird in case they're weird too, but if they're humor isn't as dark as yours then it can get really awkward.
Figuring Out The App Is Just As Difficult
It's hard to figure out every feature on a dating app, and sometimes it feels like whoever designs them has never actually used them before. Does anyone ever actually mean to use the SuperLike feature on Tinder? Doubtful.
Hopefully He's Funnier In Person
Sometimes humor is difficult to convey over text or in an app, but there are also times where you just know immediately that this is not the person for you. This is one of those times.
Am I Doing This Right?
Interacting with people on dating apps just leaves you with questions and no answers basically. You're never going to completely understand what's going on, and you certainly don't understand how to make it actually work for you.
Quite frankly, if we went back to the third-grade method of dating that involved a "check yes or no" note, it would be for the better. It's straightforward, no one gets ghosted, and no one has to get their feelings that hurt. It's perfect.
Is Dating Just Networking?
The date didn't go as well as she'd hoped, but she got a much better rate on her mortgage, so can this really count as a bad date? It's really just a great networking session.
Communication Is Seriously Lacking
Why do men — nay, boys — think it's acceptable to respond in incomplete sentences, or with one-word answers? They need to learn to text better or they're never going to find a wife. At least not a literate one.
No One Needs To Be Talked To Like That
If you're making the same mistakes over and over like, you know, dating the wrong guys - maybe it's time to stop and reevaluate. This definitely looks like a bad time and bad decisions being realized.
Are We Just Friends?
Nowadays, you always have to have the "are we exclusive/dating" talk because otherwise, men are out there doing whatever they want and then claiming they didn't know they were in a relationship even though he's come to your family Thanksgiving.
It Could Be A Lot Worse
The advantage to dating apps or online dating is that no matter how sad you're feeling about being single, you're probably going to come across someone who is a lot weirder than you.
You're going to get rejected, unfortunately. You can't be everyone's cup of tea, but hopefully, they'll be nice about their rejection or just ghost you, unlike this man who decided to be a savage.
Ready To Be Hurt Again
No matter how many times you get ghosted or how many bad dates you go on where he "forgets" to bring his wallet, in a couple of weeks you'll be ready to do it again, mostly because you have no other choice.
I Cannot Express My Feelings
When it comes to talking to guys I couldn't care less about, I'm so unbelievably cute and charming, but the second I genuinely have feelings for one I turn into an awkward mess.
You Can Call Me Sherlock Holmes
Some people just don't understand how time consuming it is to not be dating a guy. You end up obsessively looking up every single girl he has ever interacted with or even breathed near to like a crazy person.
Want A Snack, Dude?
You know what? If I was hooking up with a girl and this happened to me, I think I would admire her ingenuity and commitment to having chicken nuggets in the club.
Why Would Someone Open With This?
First of all, you should never comment on someone's weight or body in general, but you have to be on a different level of rude to tell someone to lose weight as an opening line on a dating app.
Now This Is All I Can Think About
I wish I had never stumbled upon this tweet because now I am haunted by the knowledge that a lot of men have considered it and decided they'd rather kill me than marry me or get physical with me. I'm going to cry now.