When I hear the name Matt, I think of a guy wearing a backward snapback while drinking PBR because he just ran out of White Claws who works in a nice finance job that his dad helped set up for him. This might sound like I'm describing one person, but I have met seven different Matts who have all fit this description.
If you've been played by a man named Matt who thinks liking The Office counts as a personality and has the overall flavor of an unseasoned chicken breast, here are some Anti-Matt tweets to relish in.
At This Point, I Am Owed Millions In Reparations
Luckily, I am the only member of my family who has ever been personally damaged by dating a Matt™ (or several of them), but one was also a Scorpio so I believe I have a good court case.
Things Will Not Be Different This Time
You might think that this one might be different and that men with the name Matt can't all be so bad, but you would be wrong. Leave him and the one bowl he owns while your sanity is still intact.
Do They Just Give Each Matt A Number At That Point?
I can barely tell different frat boys apart when they're together in a herd, let alone ones with the same names and the same five o'clock shadow that they've actually taken days to grow.
I Have A Court Order For You To Deck Me
I no longer am allowed to manage my own well-being, and while I am on the road to recovery from being attracted to men named Matt, I need your support on this journey. Hope you throw a good right hook.
"There's So Much More Variety With Dating Apps!"
My friends in relationships didn't believe how bad it was until I pulled my phone out and started swiping in front of them. Not only were at least 40% of the men named Matt, but they all had the same bios pretty much. I'd rather die alone.
Omg I Love Just About Every Band With Dudes In It
I have a tragic secret to tell you: I once was in a long term relationship with a man named Matt who played lead guitar and sang in a band, swearing that they'd make it big. (Spoiler alert: they never did and he also sucked.)
Welcome To Mattville!
Okay, but what if we just moved all the Matts to one small town in the heart of Ohio and let them run amuck amongst themselves and leave the rest of us to live in peace?
Matts Are Getting More Tricky With Their Tactics
As their prey—beautiful young women with light in their eyes and hope in their hearts—get smarter, Matts have adapted as predators, using false names to bypass our defenses. Ladies, get a background check before the first date!
It's An Accidental Duplicate, That's It
I would like to let the record show that actually, if you get in bed with more than five men who have the same name, the whole computing system crashes and you go back to being a virgin.
Like, Seriously, What Would He Do About It?
Dating a Matt has become almost as dangerous as leaving your SoundCloud rapper boyfriend a voicemail that he'll use at the beginning of a song. Matt will unpack everything he hates about you and call you crazy in the next Wednesday episode.
HR, I Beg You To Hire Someone With A Different Name!
When you think of Silicon Valley and the tech industry, you generally imagine a group of people working in "fun" workplaces with beanbag chairs and pingpong tables. In reality, it's just a lot of dudes named Matt thinking they know the most about cold brew coffee.
I See No Lies Here
This list has clearly been formed after years of extensive experimental and observational research studies and I support everything that it says. Avoid all these names for the sake of your sanity.
There Is No Escape!
Oh, you thought that you would be able to escape the ever-present masses of Matts on dating apps simply by flying across an ocean? Silly girl, there is no escape. They are everywhere.
Finally, An Excellent Purpose For Them
I would like to elect this brilliant person to be the King of the World. I want this initiative implemented immediately using funding from the worlds' wealthiest countries. This is the innovation the world needs.
At Least 100 Of Them In There
Ladies, picture this: you're just trying to organize your weekly grocery haul. You pick up arugula only for a Matt™ to inform you that kale has more iron. You say you don't care because you like the taste of arugula and he treats you like you're stupid.
The Stats Do Not Lie Folks
Every single Matt who has done this thinks that he had the personal and unique idea in the midst of knocking back a Natty Ice with the boys and now believes he is the peak of comedy.
It's Nice To Know Your Purpose In Life
What is the meaning of life? While no one can give you a singular correct answer, many people find their callings within their lives. I'm so happy for this girl who is doing such important social work.
The One "T" Makes Him Even More Suspicious
It's one thing to be a Matt, but there's a whole added level of doom and malevolence that comes from only having one "t" in your name instead of the regular two. You should've known better, girl.
An Accurate Depiction Of 2010-2019
Dating is not an easy task and meeting new people leads to more than enough opportunities for amply disappointment. While this woman has clearly suffered over the decade, 2019 was undoubtedly the worse year.
This Is Our New Year's Resolution
This might be the only New Year's Resolution that I know I can follow through and succeed on. I'm getting this wise and inspirational mantra tattooed onto my body to get me through moments of temptation.