Realistic New Year’s Resolutions For If You Want To Be A Better Person, But Not Really
As 2019 comes to a close, you might be looking toward the new year and thinking about all of the things you want to accomplish. The new year really can feel like a fresh start, and it's a great time to put work into yourself.
We've all heard the whole "new year, new me" mantra, but how often does that type of change happen overnight? Never. Here are some realistic New Year's resolutions for 2020.
Drink "Less Coffee"
I've done the math and if instead of having four small cups of coffee every day, I have two giant cups of coffee, I will technically be consuming less coffee. I am a pillar of health!
Only Hit Up That Toxic Ex Two More Times
It's nice to believe that you're going to stop talking to the toxic jerk cold turkey once the new year kicks in, but it's way more realistic to acknowledge that you're going to mess up a few more times, and that's okay!
Spend Less Money On Clothes (Until The Spring Lines Drop)
Not spending money on clothes in January and February is a piece of cake, because winter weather makes you want to wear the same hoodie every day anyway. However, I cannot resist a sundress!
Be Less Flakey On Plans Until You Remember Why You Flake On Plans
You want to be less flakey and follow through on your plans, but after a few weeks of a full schedule you're exhausted and you remember why you never go to parties anymore.
Read More Books* (*Watch Television/Film Adaptations)
You could spend days reading Pride & Prejudice or you could simply put the film on and get the full story in about two hours. I mean, you have to consider the efficiency.
Buy A Day Planner And Never Use It
Having a day planner seems so fun and helpful. You pick out an adorable agenda and use it for exactly three weeks before you remember that Google calendar exists and can be accessed on your phone.
Eat More Veggies For Two Weeks Then Watch All Your Produce Go Bad For The Next Month
You've decided to eat more fruits and vegetables to help clear your skin and improve your overall health. You're starting to actually like eating celery when you have one pizza slice. Suddenly, you have a fridge full of wilted greens.
Self-Care Until You Remember That Self-Destruction Is Way More Interesting
I have unwavering respect for people who regularly can practice self-care and make good decisions for their well-being, but I get bored after a few days and go back to lighting my own life on fire.
Spend Less Time On Your Phone By Spending Time On Your Laptop Instead
You've decided to try and decrease your phone addiction by spending less time staring at the screen, but naturally, you get bored without the internet and open your laptop to entertain yourself.
Only Answer "You Up?" Texts When You're In A Really Tumultuous Emotional State
No longer are you going to answer or even acknowledge that post-midnight "you up?" text, unless you've been having a really bad week and have been feeling a bit bad about yourself and crave the validation!
Drink The Exact Same Amount Of Wine
You said you were going to cut back on how much wine you drink for the upcoming year, but it's two days later and you've already cracked a new bottle of cabernet sauvignon. You tried, it's okay.
Substitute One Unhealthy Habit For Another!
You thought that no longer relying on physical compliments about your appearance would heal your soul? Guess what? You now fixate on validation and praise related to the way people perceive your personality and intelligence!
Clear Out Your Closet Space (And Immediately Refill It)
You decide to clean out your closet and downsize on the number of clothes you own. It lasts for about three months before you've refilled the rack and drawer space with new purchases.
Go To The Gym Until You Experience One Minor Disruption To Your Schedule And Never Go Again
You never understood why people loved the gym, but after two months of getting into the regular routine of going, you start to get it. Unfortunately, that one time you blow it off for happy hour ruins your rhythm and you never gain the inspiration to go again.
Quit Eating Meat Until You Get Drunk And Want A Jr. Chicken
After watching documentaries on the negative effects of meat consumption and learning about animal agriculture's impact on the environment, you swore off meat. However, when you're lit at three in the morning, you can't resist a Jr. Chicken, and BAM! You're back to eating meat.
Meditate (Take Naps) More
You know meditation is supposed to help alleviate stress, so you decide to make yourself comfortable, clear your mind, slow your breathing, relax your whole body, and whoops! You're suddenly asleep.
Learn A Few Words In A New Language And Then Fear The Duolingo Owl Until You Die
You decide to try and make yourself a little more ~cultured~ so you download Duolingo and start doing your daily lessons. You know how to say "hello" and "thank you" in Portuguese, but you start to lose that daily consistency. The Duolingo owl starts to threaten you, and you delete the app in fear.
Cut Back On Your Sugar Intake By Only Taking Tequila Shots
After reading yet another study on diabetes condemning sugar intake, you think that you should probably limit the amount of sugar you have. Instead of ordering fruity drinks at the bar, you're only getting tequila shots like the health queen you are.
Stretch Everyday To Increase Your Flexibility Until You Realize That Stretching Takes Way Too Long
In order to help alleviate muscle pain, straighten your posture, and increase your flexibility, you decide to stretch nightly. It goes well for a few weeks, and you really do feel better, but it takes way too much time so you quit after a month.
Vow To Stop Making New Year's Resolutions But Make Them Anyway
You never accomplish your resolutions, so you decide not to make them. It's actually psychologically proven that self-control is a limited resource, so taking on multiple self-discipline projects at once is destined to fail.
Still, cynical as you are, you continue to have hopes for the upcoming year, and there is nothing wrong with that. I do it too. Despite all of the difficulty involved in changing our lives and ourselves, I'm rooting for you.
