Hospitals aren’t fun places for anybody, whether you’re working or visiting. It’s supposed to be all normal sick people, but once in a while you get someone in there who’s just so very unique in their own way and they provide us with some quality stories. But whatever we’ve seen in the waiting room, doctors and nurses have seen wilder things behind the curtain.
These brave medically-certified souls have shared their most insane stories with us and let me just say I’m absolutely baffled how some of these people lived long enough to get sick.
Carpet Shopping Doesn’t Stop When You’re On Meds
This anesthesiologist had the pleasure of helping an avid HGTV fan like the rest of us when they were working. Honestly, this patient is a major mood that we can all relate to. It would’ve been weird if he asked for a sample though.
Cheetos Don’t Have Trans Fat, So No, I Haven’t Eaten Today
We all know we’re not supposed to eat hours before surgery because we could, you know, die. But Reddit user and dental surgeon popeyefur says that some people just don’t listen when he tells them that. Like the kid who walked in eating a bag of Cheetos while his parents swore he hadn’t eaten. Honey, calories count in the morning.
Let’s Learn Our ABC’s And Start With “ER”
Doctors have to deal with literally everyone, and Reddit user bzzzzzzlightyear says that sometimes they get people coming in who aren’t acquainted with the whole “reading” thing yet. They hand patients forms upside down now to see if they’re just pretending so they know if they have to deliver verbal instructions.
Not A Shark, Thank God I’m Not A Shark
We’ve all had weird dreams when we were on anesthesia. Luckily we’ve never had this guy who apparently marathoned Shark Week episodes before surgery. Don’t worry dude, you’ll never be cast for Sharknado.
Can Bones Be Wet? Just Asking For A Friend
This person is the party guest who’s way too anxious to make a mess. When their bones felt a little wet, they politely asked the doctor for a napkin so they could clean themselves up. You go socially awkward queen.
The Patient Who Recently Quit A Decade Ago
Ahh, the old “are you a smoker” question. You’d think it’d be an easy yes or no for most people, but not for this quitter who saw Reddit user rameninside. They said they stopped smoking “10 years ago” even though they smelled and looked like they just blew through a couple in the parking lot.
The Fragile Salamander
When Reddit user __littlerspoon’s husband was on anesthesia he provided us with a quote that’s going on my gravestone. Anytime anyone tries to step up to me I’m literally going to say this because I’m a delicate little lizard.
She Is Risen
Being dead means your schedule is very busy so people should stop asking you to do stuff for them. We should learn from this queen and play dead next time someone asks us to do anything. Garbage day? Sorry, I deceased that day so you’ll have to do it.
The Dieter Who Heard Of This Olive Oil Craze
Reddit user and medical professional Iwatoori had a run-in with one patient who was having a hard time losing weight. When they went to her house they found enormous stockpiles of vegetable oil, peanut oil, and olive oil. When they asked her what she was doing with them she told them she heard that they were “healthy” and would drink the bottles.
“That’s Not My Pen.”
Chances are if there’s a pen in your stomach you swallowed that pen. The chances are so good in fact that there’s a 100% chance you did that. Reddit user DissociativeFeugo said that they had a patient sporting a Bic in the bowel and still said he never swallowed it. This guy is the guy who borrows your pens in class and never gives them back.
The Coma Patient Who Needed Groceries
I have questions about how this happened. Was he in a coma and then he woke up and didn’t say anything? Also, what kind of dutiful news-watching cashier can remember a face and name like that? That cashier is the reason I order everything online because dang he’s creepy.
The “Deaf” Kid That Was Just Waiting For Somebody To Say Something Worthwhile
Reddit user tubboattommy describes their experience with a kid complaining of deafness who was just waiting for the right conversation. The doctor tested both ears before asking “what video games he played” and then watched as the kid was miraculously cured. We relate to this kid’s level of done-ness with the world.
Professors Always Look Crazy, But This Math Professor Was Way Too Convincing
Reddit user monistowl’s mother is an ER doctor who had a raggedy looking man stumble into the ER muttering about quantum physics. Turns out he was in renal failure, so they gave him dialysis, and he started acting coherently.
Instead of the literal mad scientist from Back to the Future, he was actually a math professor at a conference when his sudden medical problem made him delusional and made him get off the train in the wrong city and he was wandering ever since.
The Guy Who Embodies “Sorry For Party Rockin'”
Reddit user Madtoureetter gave a young guy in his mid-twenties a hearing test after his neighbors complained about his music being too loud. When the test came back as basically completely deaf, the doctor snuck behind the young guy and asked him about his weekend plans, to which he responded. So… maybe invest in headphones.
The Classic Wisdom Tooth Mixup
This girl should be a professional greeter at the oral surgeon’s office because this dialogue under anesthesia is straight-up iconic. If any of us heard this right before going into surgery I’m not sure if we’d laugh or cry, but we’d definitely remember it.
The Totally Not A Smoker With Cigarettes In His Pocket
People are out her straight up lying and we’re confused why, like this patient Reddit user mikuduku treated. When he was complaining of a cough and they asked him if he smoked, he said “no” despite the pack of cigarettes in his breast pocket. Obviously he was holding them for a friend, jeez doc.
Gauze Is Forbidden Pie, Yum, Yum, Yum
Okay so your mom always tells you that you can’t eat certain things and most of the time we take her word for it. But sometimes you don’t because you just need to know what glue and Play-Doh taste like, just like this sedated patient with their gauze.
“The Lungs Hold Your Spine Straight, Duh.”
Reddit user codyodeode had one patient tell them that his boss told him to sit up but he couldn’t because one of his lungs was “deflated” and the “lungs hold the spine up.” Ah, like balloons… it’s all coming together man.
“I’m Having A Seizure”
Apparently it’s a common theme in the ER to have people faking seizures to get out of criminal charges or court dates. Reddit user ChapInGrillSgt had one excellent actress who laid on the floor in the waiting room while shouting “I’m having a seizure.” Excellent diagnosis, she should be in medicine.
She Got Up But Only For The Comcast
Reddit user and EMT 1Darude1 had one woman call saying she’d fallen in her house and couldn’t get up. When they got there, she got up, unlocked the door, and then went back to lay down on the floor. When they were leaving she asked them to call Comcast for her. This is a queen who’d do anything for her channels.
Some Killer Shredding For My Fans Man
That good hospital juice makes people do all sort of stuff. Mostly it just makes them fall asleep, but sometimes it makes them a star. What’s this guy’s Spotify because I swore I heard him perform at the air instrument music festival?
If You Can Give Yourself An Xray, It Might Be Time To Call The Nurse In
Reddit user 2footCircusFreak had one patient with some real guts who called her into the room to tell her that his wound opened and he could see his guts poking out when he breathed. Kudos for this man for his zen in that situation because I would’ve been freaking out if I saw what I ate that day.
The Jacuzzi Was The Father
Apparently was have some Glee fans still in the building because one Reddit user lavadrop5 shares that people still believe that women can get pregnant in a hot tub if they get in after a couple has… been in there. This obviously isn’t true but please God, don’t abuse public jacuzzis like this.
The Proposal Of Undying Love After She Got Her Nose Done
Honestly, after a good cosmetic surgery, we’d all be professing our undying love too. This girl just went a little more dramatic with it and we respect that. There’s no better place for true feelings than the hospital bed. That’s what Nicholas Sparks movies say.
Casts Are All The Rage Since Becky In Biology Got One
Reddit user Pyrus_Perseus had one teenage girl who came in with her mother hysterical because it was “clearly broken and needed a cast.” Her mom pulled the doctor aside and told them she was just jealous her friend at school had a cast. When the Xray showed up clear there was a temper tantrum and yes, I would’ve paid an incredible amount of money to see it.
The Stylish Legend Who Needed Brain Surgery But Also His Wig
My wig is absolutely snatched because of this King. He rolled right up onto the operating table saying that “it’s mine, I paid for it” like the true wig lover he is and I am here for it.
One Drink A Day Doesn’t Specify How Big
Reddit user t-brave said that they had a patient who was being treated for an alcohol problem but who told every healthcare professional that they were only having one drink a day. When asked how big the drink was, they admitted it was a flower vase. That’s a little more than one, sir.
I Don’t Eat Them But I Know Them And That’s Got To Count For Something
Reddit user esegallo isn’t a doctor, but they write that when they were a child, they were overweight and the doctor asked them what their diet was like. They write that they just listed off fruits and vegetables “that we both knew I didn’t eat.” Hey, at least they know what they should eat.
The Swooning Maiden
Reddit user SnowOrShine’s dad is a GP who had a woman complain of feeling faint and then pretend to faint right in front of him. He could see it was fake so he just walked away and she quietly got up and walked out of the office. This lady needs acting lessons more than she needs medical care, apparently.
This Is Between You And Your Bedpan Ma’am
Reddit user and nurse phenerganandpoprocks said that she was threatened a lawsuit for malpractice by a patient because they thought she used the bathroom in their bed. The patient was bedridden herself and clearly an avid fan of the blame game.