Completely Doable Birthday Ideas For Your 30th To Prove You’re Still Fun
Nobody likes you when you're 23, but the world hates your ever-loving guts with a passion when you're 30. You've run the gauntlet and survived all the garbage your twenties, teens, and childhood put you through, so now what? Every movie says you're old and all of a sudden your hangovers last four days. Fan-freaking-tastic, sign me up.
If you're still out here despite all the BS wanting to treat yourself on your special day despite hating every minute of it, here are some ideas. Spoiler alert, they involve a lot of alcohol. Obviously.
Take A Hipster Mixology Class And Proceed To Get Blackout (But With Class)
Nothing says stable adult with a job and a socially acceptable drinking problem quite like taking a mixology class and "learning" about beverages and flavors. "This is scientific right?"— you say as you shotski a neon-green-artisan-aperitif like the grown 30-year-old you are.
Go Skydiving Because The World Tells You 30 Is Ancient So You Better Start In On That Bucket List
Why the heck not go and skydive? Seriously, there's nothing like jumping out of the sky on Saturday and then walking into Monday's 2:30 finance meeting as if you just weren't fully putting your life in the hands of a man that kept saying "radical" in response to everything you said. It's all about balance.
Throw A Surprise Birthday Party For Yourself Because It Is Truly Shocking You Got Out Of Bed Today
When you're a kid your mom did it, when you're in school your friends did it, but now? You've got to rely on good ol' number one and they're telling you that your party is going to take place later that night, so you better get a haircut today if you want to look somewhat human in the photos.
Get A Psychic Reading To Confirm Your Love Life Is Hemmoragging
I know it's not technically a workplace requirement, but the more hand tattoos the psychic has the better you know that they are at their job. I don't make the rules, that's just the way it is.
Tour A Brewery And Act As If You're Not Counting Down The Minutes Till You Can Funnel An IPA Down Your Gullet
Don't even pretend like you're listening when "Jeremy," the brewer at your local craft Brauerei, explains to you whatever hops are and the tried and true family process that was invented right here in the building. Nobody listens, especially not you. You're 30 now, it's your day.
Take A Camping Trip And Scream Into The Wind With Your Closest Friends
If you're turning 30, chances are your friends are turning 30 too. So what better opportunity to bond than to cathartically work out your collective internal discord than by pretending you're Survivor Man for a weekend? You're not. You're glamping.
Re-live Your College Years With An Old Person's Liver With A Good Ol' Fashioned Pub Crawl
Being 30 is exactly like being 20 except you're fatter, richer, and you really can't throw 'em back like you used to with the frat boys and then wake up for your 8 am Statistics lecture. Now your "nights out" consist of you cradling the toilet by midnight and calling in "sick" to work for Monday and Tuesday.
Go To Vegas Because You're Rich From Not Spending Your Money On Children
Being 30 and single means that you probably don't have children, which also means you're not spending your hard-earned money on dumb stuff like Disney-On-Ice tickets that you don't want to see. So go to freaking Vegas. Just go.
Get A Massage Because Using Your Health Benefits Is Kind Of Like Treating Yourself Right?
Even though it's covered by your insurance and you need it for the carpal tunnel you've developed from years of posture issues, a massage is still a massage and you're treating yourself today. So tell the RMT to play your Spotify Peruvian pan-flute playlist because it's your birthday.
Throw A 90s Party (Because You Actually Remember What They Were Like Goddammit)
The 90s were better for so many reasons. MTV was trashy, hair was wild and spiked, and you knew you were doing something right when the whale tale you were rocking out of your low-rise True Religion Jeans. Good times, re-live them because you can do what you want.
Do One Of Those Paint/Wine Things You See People Making Horrible Paintings Of Mountains At
You see these "fun" paint nights all over Instagram, and yeah they're fun because you get to drink wine and say your friend is a bad artist since their evergreen tree looks like garbage. But do you actually want to take the painting home? Absolutely not, you live in a tastefully decorated apartment and don't want to ruin it.
Go Rock Climbing As If You Care If You Fall To Your Death
Nothing says, "Lord I'm 30, I don't care if you take me" like doing an extreme sport with a high risk of bodily harm or death in it. That's why people buy motorcycles at 30 too. We're all just living on pure turmoil and adrenaline and (loving?) every second of it.
Get A Tattoo Because The Time Window Before Your Skin Starts Sagging Just Got Smaller
When else are you going to do it? Stop waiting for the "right" tattoo idea to hit you and just pull the trigger already. 30 is the perfect birthday to do it because I'm just assuming you have some career stability so they're not going to fire you, and you can probably afford a long sleeve shirt if you think they will. Hopefully.
Scream In Your Friends Faces In A Socially Appropriate Way By Booking A Karaoke Room
This is the perfect way to let the inner demons out of your soul and let out the grudge you've been holding against your old roommate for two years by yelling "Living On A Prayer" right in their face. The spit that flies out and hits them is a birthday blessing and they should be thankful.
Take Yourself Shopping Because You'd Rather Die Looking Good Than Being Rich
What's money for if not to spend it completely irresponsibly and on things you don't need? You're rich because you're single, so why not! Buy that Gucci sweatshirt that you know deep down is ugly and you'll wear twice just for the purpose of treating your bad self.
Run A Marathon To Make Yourself Feel Better About The Past Three Years Of McDelivery You've Ordered
Nothing says a balanced lifestyle like eating drive-thru meals for years and then "proving" to yourself that you're still fit somewhere under there by running a marathon once in a while. Sure, it's a very active thing to do on your birthday, but imagine how great it's going to feel rubbing it into your coworkers' faces on Monday.
Go To A Theme Park Because You Can Still Feel Joy In Your Aging Meat Sack
Amusement parks don't have an age limit, so why not go there as an adult? You paid your dues for years in ride wait times, so don't even feel bad about cutting in front of an eight-year-old to get to the front. It's all part of growing up.
Flush Your Hard Earned Cash Down The Drain To Win $5 On Scratch Tickets
Maybe you're feeling like garbage today, but you've got to admit you're surprised you made it this far. It's truly a testament to your luck and stamina that you lived through those nights in college where you would visit that local place serving $2 tequila shots on Tuesday. So buy a bunch of lottery tickets.
Actually Schedule A Day Off Work Instead Of Pretending To Be Sick Like You Always Do
I cannot stress this one enough—you are 30, you are an adult, and you have put in so much time for so many people and their nonsense so you deserve one measly little day to screw off and just do your own thing. So book a day off work for God's sake you absolute warrior.
Give Yourself Bangs Because Why The Hell Not Since You've Come This Far You Coward
Well done soldier, you made it to 30 and to the end of the article. To celebrate you should give yourself some bangs because really, what more do you have to lose? Take a risk you 30-year-old champion.
