We’ve all been there when some extra-close couples do way too much PDA. And when it happens all you can do is count your lucky stars that at least we’re not there to see the nasty stuff they get up to in private, right?
Well, couples took to Reddit to confess the absolutely rancid stuff they do in private together and it’s so much worse than any steamy bedroom secrets. These are real people, really comfortable with each other, really eating toenails in front of each other and I really want to barf.
Human Skin Parmesan. That’s All.
I think your girlfriend needs to stop ruining foods for the rest of us because I’m going to have a hard time eating Italian food after this. When the waiter walks over with the cheese grater at Olive Garden and says “tell me when,” I’m putting my hand on his shoulder before he even starts.
The Phrase “Holding Toes” Hit My Gag Reflex
I think deep, deep, deep down this person knows it’s weird because they’ve consulted a ton of people and now the internet about it. And I would say “do what makes you happy” in literally any other situation except for this one. Because it’s about holding toes. Toes.
They’ve Found The Line And It Involves Giving Your S/O Pink Eye
This is the moment when a funny joke like making your significant other smell your farts turns into brutal warfare. This partner probably gave up on sleeping at night years ago and instead lays awake stressing about the mounting medical bills that her chronic pink eye is giving her.
“Babe Suck My Eyeball” Is A Real Sentence This Man Says
I’m glad it feels good to this person because it sounds like a living nightmare for any other human in the world. This might be a minor concern and feel free to tell me I’m being overdramatic, but isn’t he afraid of like…going blind? That old thing?
Imagine Sleeping Next To A Literal Pile Of Tissues
If it’s been 12 years and you still haven’t fixed the tissue-pillow issue then you’re locked in with that behavior for life. Because when she got away with it once you know that she’s always going to try and do it.
I Would Do Anything To NOT Touch Someone Else’s Tonsil Stones
If you’re within a five-yard radius of a tonsil stone you can smell how rancid and nasty that thing is. I can’t even imagine what it’s like to GET SOMEONE ELSE’S on your body. In that moment you’ve got to figure out how to move bodies because this one’s no good anymore.
They. Eat. Their. Boyfriend’s. Hair.
If she isn’t coughing up hairballs twice a month because of this wild behavior then there’s no such thing as justice in the world. Because this needs to stop and I don’t believe for a second he thinks it’s “creepily cute.” He’s probably just afraid of her.
Are They Birds? I’m Genuinely Confused
“The food ends up in my mouth” as if it’s an accident at all. I’m glad these two found each other because oh my God would this be a deal-breaker for me. Mercury is in retrograde and the last thing I need right now is some spit-soaked pre-chewed food shoved in my mouth, thanks.
These Toenails Aren’t Gonna Cut Themselves, Baby
Imagine you put a ring on someone’s finger and in exchange for that you get sentenced to a lifetime of crouching down by their nasty feet and clipping their toenails. This partner should listen to everyone they know and stop doing this.
The Helping Hemorrhoid Hand
Now, this is true love because I don’t know how else you’d do this for another person. Unless you owe them a million dollars. Or your first born child. Actually, doing this for love does not make sense at all.
This Is Probably How This Girlfriend Punishes Him
We understand that we inherited grooming from primates that’s what makes us want to do this. Fine. But just because we understand something doesn’t mean that it makes it any less shiver-inducing.
You Can’t Pick Your Friend’s Nose…But Your Boyfriend Is Fair Game?
There is a silver lining here and it’s that at least she’s not eating your boogers. But if she starts crossing that line I think it’s time to have the same talk you have with all your young kids. Sorry, you’re going to have to do it with an adult.
If I Was Wearing A Full Face Of Makeup And My Partner Did This I Would Grab A Baseball Bat
When you’re wearing $20 lotion, $40 foundation, $10 mascara, and $28 eyebrow pomade on your face the last thing you want is someone’s tongue literally taking off all the money you just slapped on there. This is disgusting, financially disrespectful, and I couldn’t be more terrified.
Why Talk When You Can Burp?
This level of intimacy and same-page communication is downright frightening. This is truly what happens when you spend too much time with someone else—you forgo language altogether and communicate only in burps. This kind of advancement is the reason I’m deleting my dating apps and staying single forever.
Couldn’t Have Said It Better Than This Commenter
This is just nasty. You can’t do it right before because otherwise you’re in for the world’s least relaxing shower, and doing it right after just defeats the purpose. So why, why on Earth, is this man torturing himself and his girlfriend?
Okay But Why Won’t He Buy His Own Toothbrush
There are several hills that people should die on. Fighting for human rights, the importance of giving to the poor, and stopping people clubbing seals are just a few of them. But refusing to buy your own toothbrush is not on that list, sorry dude.
This Isn’t NSFW But It’s Somehow So Much Worse
Fashion crimes should carry prison time. Especially if they’re committed in public and with a partner while the rest of us single people have to watch you guys get all lovey-dovey while we buy food at the grocery store that’s never portioned right for us. Just saying.
Please God, Wash Behind Your Ears
This lady needs a new hobby because smelling her husband’s ears isn’t it. It isn’t it at all. Ear cheese should be outlawed in every state just because people like this woman are out there smelling it.
The Avid Plucker
Don’t pluck your man’s nipple hairs just because nobody else wants to. Not even him. Because why do this? Free the nipple and let it grow some cool braids if it wants to.
I Don’t Recommend You Do This
This sounds like a wrestling move except instead of pros doing it, it’s two people in the street with matching t-shirts, holding hands, and walking slowly on the sidewalk to annoy you. I know you’re praying that this nose-gurgle takes her down but it sounds like it already ruined their relationship, so we’re going to have to be content with that.