Spooky Messages From The Monsters In Your DMs
There's no denying that the dating world is a scary place, but the intersection of spooky season and cuffing season make the DMs a little extra frightening. There are lots of monsters lurking around, just waiting to jump in your life and say horrible and/or frightening and/or disgusting things.
Here are some of the monsters you might catch trying to creep into your messages.
The 'Will Use You As A Therapist' Monster
This monster has problems that are definitely more important and valid than yours, and he will not hesitate to project all of them onto you without doing anything to improve himself.
The 'Wildly Unaware Of His Own Red Flags' Monster
This monster has a total lack of self-awareness and an inability to recognize that the things he says aren't alluring, but frightening. Luckily, he is not a hard monster to spot.
The 'Isn't As Deep As He Thinks He Is' Monster
This monster is obsessed with the notion that he's a deeply complex and complicated being that mystifies every girl he talks to. He read one Foucault essay and now he thinks he's a philosophical enigma.
The 'Mass Message' Monster
This monster does not recognize you as an individual human being so much as another profile that improves his statistical odds of getting laid. Luckily, he's a poorly programmed robot that frequently glitches - Error 404: used wrong name.
The 'Respectful' Monster
This is one of the worst monsters out there because he pretends that he cares about your boundaries and then crashes right through them later on, Kool-Aid Man style. The winking face does him no favors.
The 'Filth' Monster
While this isn't a message from a monster, it's still horrifying. You only find out about this monster's absolute lack of basic hygiene after he's already lured you into his lair (dirty apartment he shares with three other dudes).
The 'Get A Sense Of Humor' Monster
These monsters believe that their sense of humor is the epitome of comedy. These monsters are frequently documented as saying things like "women just aren't as funny as men".
The 'Message Spammer Then Weirdly Defensive' Monster
This monster will make several clear romantic or sexual advances toward you, and then do a gaslighting 180 degree turn when you do anything to mention a lack of interest in him.
The 'Obsessive Ex' Monster
This monster has no idea how to take a hint (i.e. having your number blocked, being broken up with, etc.), so he resorts to finding new and borderline crazy methods to try to contact you.
The 'Mansplains Your Own Emotions' Monster
This monster believes that he obviously knows more about your emotional and mental state and therefore your rejection of him is invalid. You clearly just don't feel worthy of being loved by a great guy like him.
The 'Out Of Context Gross' Monster
It doesn't matter what your conversation was about or what message you sent him right before, this monster will drop a weird and explicit comment directed at you without warning or context. Yuck.
The 'I'm Rich So You Should Like Me A Lot' Monster
This monster has a weird sense of entitlement just because he has a bit of money (that he likes to show off in cringe-y ways). If that doesn't win you over, he'll find a misogynistic way to lash out.
The 'Oversharing Way Too Early' Monster
This monster is clearly experiencing their first day on earth and has apparently never had a conversation with another human before. They'll drop a wildly personal and uncomfortable fact about themselves during the icebreaker, leaving you desperate to unmatch.
The 'Thinks This Is A Flex' Monster
Women love to know that a guy has weaseled his way out of multiple lawsuits, according to these monsters. They don't realize how terrifying they really are while they're trying to boast.
The 'You're Not Like Other Girls 'Monster
This monster believes that he's deep and that he's giving girls compliments when he says stuff that really is just thinly veiled misogyny against women. To thwart them, just mention that you liked One Direction.
The 'What Is Wrong With This Guy' Monster
This monster has no concept of what's disgusting, what's wrong, and what's wildly inappropriate to send to a family member, no matter how far removed in the family tree. Please, call his mother.
The 'Justifies His Desire To Cheat' Monster
This monster tries to guilt women into helping him cheat on his girlfriend through a mixture of complaining about his current relationship and promising their affection to said woman. This girl had the right idea though: throw up the block.
The 'Disgustingly Honest' Monster
Honesty is a virtue, but this monster goes out of his way to impart way too much personal information way too early and hopes that you think it's endearing or funny. It's not.
The 'Creepy, Weird' Monster
You have no idea who he is, but this monster will send multiple DMs despite you asking him to stop, he'll threaten you, and then he'll cap it off with a weird gesture that he thinks is cute and not concerning!
