True Crime Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Then Question Your Sanity
We all have a genre of TV shows that we love. Whether you're super into the Food Network, or Duck Dynasty and Ice Road Truckers are your kryptonite, you understand what its like to love something deeply and be invested.
Well, there are people out there who feel this way about true crime shows. The First 48, Making A Murderer, Forensic Files, the possibilities are endless, and you want to solve every crime there is. Since it's such a niche topic, only certain people can appreciate a joke about how your husband might actually be a serial killer.
Exposing Yourself
Oh you want to know about my interests? Might as well get this one out of the way so you don't waste your time in a relationship with someone who hasn't seen Netflix's Ted Bundy Tapes.
Stay Away From The Edge
Any woman who's ever seen a true crime documentary has a slight distrust of her husband and knows not to stand too close to the edge of any cliffs because you just never know. That exact moment could be when he snaps, and suddenly you're a Dateline headline.
Knowledge Is Power
You wouldn't ever actually want to kill someone, but you could if you wanted to. It's like Walter White learning how to cook because he was a chemistry teacher. He didn't think he was actually going to use that knowledge, but it came in handy when he needed it.
It's Like They've Never Seen Coldcase Files
You find yourself thinking "I could pull off a way better murder than this" but then you also have to stop and check yourself, cause you probably shouldn't think like that. Even if it is true...
Can't Stop, Won't Stop
Despite the fact that you hate being alone in your apartment at night and every time you hear the wind blow you think there's a murderer hiding in your closet, you can't stop those deep dives into Reddit threads about Jack the Ripper.
Put Down The Reddit Thread
If it gets to the point that you believe you can solve the JonBenet Ramsey case, or you've convinced yourself that Ted Cruz is, in fact, the Zodiac Killer, it's probably time to power down and go to bed.
The Warning Signs
Once you listen to enough true crime podcasts, you learn all the warning signs to watch for. If your girlfriend takes out a life insurance policy on you without talking to you, that's a big ol' red flag FYI.
Internal Narration
You love true crime so much sometimes you imagine how they'd tell your story in the Netflix documentary about your kidnap. Would they interview your friends and family? Would they label your sketchy boyfriend as the prime suspect?
No One Understands You
You have to gently remind yourself in social settings that not everyone wants to hear about that new Jeffrey Dahmer documentary you watched or that episode of Forensic Files that you recorded.
Don't Criminals Do Prep Work?
It's like these criminals and serial killers didn't do their research beforehand! If you were going to commit a crime, wouldn't you watch a couple of documentaries first? At the very least you should watch How To Get Away With Murder.
Too Much Exposure
It gets to the point where you've seen every show or documentary on the Discovery Channel and you're now convinced that you could definitely be kidnapped, but you're also convinced that you know how to escape.
Hide Your Crazy
You hold yourself back from sharing too many weird facts, but then you let one slip and it starts tumbling out from there and suddenly you've spent 40 minutes talking about the conspiracy theory that Bob Ross was actually a serial killer and his paintings were of where he hid the bodies.
Give Us A Little Credit
Do they really think that we don't realize this was a reenactment? We obviously don't think that you conveniently had a camera crew filming at the time of this murder and that you didn't do anything about it but continue to film.
Always Ready To Scrap
Sure, you're probably not going to actually get kidnapped because you have no enemies and barely leave the house, but on the off chance that someone tries, you'll be ready for the fight of your life.
It's Better Than Football
People who don't watch true crime shows will never understand the intensity or excitement that comes with finally figuring out who the killer is, especially if you figure it out before the detectives on TV.
The Decision Is Easy
Every time you get asked to go out on a Saturday night, you have to weigh your options. Do you really want to go to that bar, or do you want to stay home and watch American Crime Story?
Deny Deny Deny
If it came down to it, you basically know how to get away with murder, and you're confident you could pull it off. Is that a good thing? No, but that's not the point.
It's Always The Husband
Any seasoned true crime watcher knows that this is a major warning sign. If your husband or partner ever says something like this, be prepared that they may or may not be a serial killer.
Might As Well Tell The Truth
Despite all the knowledge you've absorbed over the years, you're still unable to come up with an excuse to get you out of work or social events, so you might as well start confessing to people that you'd rather stay home to watch Dateline.
You Can't Help Yourself
You know that it's a little strange to spend an entire weekend reading about or watching TV shows about murderers, but it's better the devil you know than the devil you don't right?
