Breakups are never easy and they usually leave both parties involved feeling every type of emotion in a very accelerated fashion. This can cause some suspect decisions that come off as irrational, but can sometimes be warranted. Context matters, so before you label your ex “crazy” for sharing that mirror selfie of you flexing your non-existent muscle to the entire school, you should maybe try to understand why it had to happen in the first place.
Luckily for us, we don’t need to understand the stories of these outrageously funny ex-girlfriend/boyfriend stories to get a laugh out of them. If you’re in a rocky relationship, I would suggest not getting any ideas.
Coming up, three dead exes and three creepy tweets about them. You won’t want to miss it.
Written In Stick People
“So, are you and your ex on good terms?” One look at this soccer mom van will answer that question and open up many more. Do we know if Linda is okay? Did she get shot? or maybe they’re playing a game of tag and Linda is ‘it’ so the entire family is running away. Did her head just magically turn into a flower so she can no longer hold the dialogue that is needed to keep the marriage afloat? These are all legitimate questions that need to be answered, but sadly won’t be.
Say It Loud, Say It Proud
When you wear this label on your license plate so proudly, it almost makes you really respectable. There’s a serious problem in our society right now that revolves around people not being self-aware and owning up to who they really are. If you’re a crazy ex, you’re a crazy ex, end of story. There’s no need to hide it, just get out there, put one foot in front of the other, and be as crazy as you possibly can be. Good for this person.
Happy Divorce, Baby
There is NEVER a bad time to have cake. Never. If you think divorce is best served cold, you’ve never been served it with vanilla frosting. Divorce papers? That’s so 1980s when binge eating your feelings wasn’t very popular. Divorce cakes are where it’s at because it kind of adds an excitement factor to the exchange, and as soon as you leave there’s a cake immediately at your service. Also, something people forget is that cake ALWAYS loves you.
What do vending machines and your ex have in common? Let’s answer that for you.
Death By Parking Tickets
This is probably the best $600 this man has ever spent. This strategy took some serious research and development because he knew that he couldn’t just park it on the road — it probably would’ve been towed. The airport is a genius move because they will almost never tow a car. Who knows, maybe the person is just traveling the world for five years and needed a spot to keep the whip.
“I Brought You Something Back”
“Studies” show that 4/10 couples that plan a vacation together a year in advance never actually stay with each other long enough to see it come to fruition. This couple was no different as their Cancun vacation got sliced when David told Jenny he thinks she should touch up her roots. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back, and as quickly as she headed to the salon, the relationship was over. Jenny went alone and put this picture as her Snapchat story just to show that she is a strong, independent woman that don’t need no man.
Everyone knows a couple who had a messy breakup but literally can’t. Stop. Talking. About. It. It comes up in every conversation no matter what the subject matter is and it was old, like, so two years ago. You’ll be talking about what color of M&Ms are the best and then suddenly your friend spews out, “Yellow is the worst because my ex wore the color yellow on our first date, and I hate her.” To which you want to reply, “no one cares.”
Coming up you’ll see the WORST ex-girlfriend tattoo, and the best recovery when they broke up…
Work On It, And Bring It Back To Me
This letter showed up on Nick (the guy in the picture)’s doorstep just days after dumping his girlfriend for cheating on him. It’s an apology letter from her, and instead of just reading it and tossing it to the side, he hilariously marked it like a teacher would mark an essay. He underlined grammatical errors, and let her know when sentences don’t make sense before sending it back to her for further proofreading. By the way, he gave her a D- on the effort which gives us some insight into how their relationship went.
Doin’ Well, Doin’ Well Dawg
If you’re happy, what’s wrong with showing it off? Alimony checks seem to be an interesting place to put some portraits of you and your new wife, but it’s probably really effective. Every time his ex-wife goes to cash in his money, she has to be reminded that Bruce is a happy man now. Although, it does seem like there’s a little bit of overcompensation on Bruce’s part. Plot twist — Bruce is actually really devastated and wants his ex back but like a lot of men is showing it in the wrong way.
Still, No Ragrets
Not one time ever has it been a good idea to get the name of your boyfriend or girlfriend tattooed on your chest. The farthest anyone should go is to get a tattoo that symbolizes their partner with no name or letters because at least it’s safe from scrutiny when the break up occurs. This guy improvised by turning his ex’s first name into the best hot sauce to ever touch the lips of a human being, Siracha.
The walk of shame when you have to pick up all your belongings from your ex’s place is bad enough, but wait till you see what it looks like on Google Streetview.
Annoying, But Not Malicious
This is perfect when you want to be a significant inconvenience to your ex but you still want to be able to sleep at night knowing you didn’t do something completely immoral. This gets the point across that what they did was wrong and they’re forgiven, but that their ex isn’t fully at the emotional tipping point just yet. This would probably take a good 25 minutes to fully unwrap, so it’s purpose was definitely filled.
Straight Up Malicious
Without any further ado, this is the complete opposite end of that spectrum. This is an ex who wants to do damage and can most certainly still sleep at night. They dream about those axes digging into the car frame. This type of ex goes to bed listening to Carrie Underwood’s song “Before He Cheats” and sees morals as an afterthought when slicing tires and throwing axes. Stay away, stay far far away.
That’s Got Two Trips Written All Over It
There’s nothing like getting all your stuff thrown on the lawn in front of all neighbors — oh wait, yes there is. Getting your stuff tossed on the lawn and Google Streetview capturing it for the entire world to see. She looks confused as to what she should pile in first to get the most out of her first trip, and from experience, you should always start with the big things first. That cooler needs to find a home in the trunk and then throw everything else around it. You’re welcome.
Just ahead is a woman’s last resort to get a reply out of the guy who got her pregnant. Oops.
This Is The Reason We Aren’t Together
There’s no problem with going to a medium/psychic to grasp some sort of reassurance that your life is headed in the right direction. But please don’t spend more than $30 on “Courtney The Psychic” who is still rocking a sweet perm, and talks in generalities to cover all the bases.
All Too Coincidental
When she put up that first tweet about her ex being dead, it didn’t raise too many red flags. It seems like a genuine remembrance post. But as soon as the second ex died, there were more red flags shooting up then there are at, uh, Six Flags theme park? Bad reference, I know. After the third death, you know her neighbors moved out like, yesterday. Even though she is CLEARLY undateable, there is still some guy out there who thinks he can make it work.
“My Phone Died”
His excuse is probably going to be that he temporarily lost service and then dropped his phone into some hot water. He then quickly rushed to the corner store to get rice, but then fell into the sewage system and had to be rescued, which took upwards of three months. Once he got his phone into the rice bowl he left it in there for two more months “just to be sure”. The phone didn’t end up working and is still out of commission, the end.
Your deepest secrets are never safe with your ex. Trust this guy coming up…
Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures
Okay, the first rule of pretending you’re pregnant by drawing in the second line on a p-test is to make sure the MARKER ISN’T IN SIGHT. This hail mary has so many flaws and outcomes, none of which are good for the girl. Say the stingy boyfriend ends up staying with you because of the results and you don’t actually grow a tummy — he might feel bamboozled and leave. Say he dips out when he sees the results — hed definitely left. The result is the same.
This Relationship Is Burned Out
This is why you never date someone who has pyromaniac tendencies. This is bloodsport for them and your clothing is a mere representation of everything they hate. Throwing your stuff on the front lawn didn’t even cross their mind. They brought their friends over from the group chat that they’ve had been slamming you in for the duration of your relationship, and they roasted marshmallows over it.
There’s Writing On The Wall
When you break up with someone, you also risk losing control of some deep secrets that can be (probably are) illegal. Depending on the break-up, you could see your secrets smeared all over social media, OR, spray painted numerous times on the outside of your house. Face it, there’s only one option that you have at this point and that’s to move far away. Like to Europe far, or even as an absolute last choice, CANADA.
Can We Keep This On The Down Low?
“Okay hunny, I screwed up really bad, but can we please just keep with between you and me and I promise I’ll get help?” When she responded to this question with “I’m fine” you knew some crazy stuff was about to go down because she certainly was not fine. She came out swinging and she got the knockout. From the color choice to the headline to the sign-off, she destroyed her hubby who is probably living in a bear cave right now.
A Quaint Reminder
This takes petty to the next level, and it’s outstanding. This man bought the house next to his ex and then left no room for imagination on what he thinks of her. What do you do if this happens to you? There are very few options that actually make sense and are logical. Do you move? That’s a lot work. Do you fire back with a much bigger middle finger pointing in his direction? Yes, yes you do.