All tea no shade, but men are way too wild for this planet. They’re out here showering ten minutes before leaving, consulting their moms for every decision, and thinking a single bedsheet is enough in the winter. We love them, but honestly, what is even going on sometimes?
Thankfully, Twitter has blessedly provided us with people who are all too ready to roast these strange man creatures. So if the guys in your life are making you feel all types of ways just sit back and get ready to relate to some good tweet content.
*Grabs Visual Aids To Explain Makeup Time Management To Men*
You can’t have it both ways fellas. If you want us to look like nice respectable humans who go outside and enjoy sunshine you have to respect that we need time allotted to create the illusion. I, for one, enjoy crafting the “I sleep eight hours every night” makeup look.
Guys?? What Do These Women Want??
Good thing men are being so attentive and listening to what we want because otherwise, we’d literally get nowhere! I can’t even imagine how frustrating it’d be being able to get a full sentence out before he cuts me off.
Brb Running To The Store To Buy A Dog Sweater
Some of these service dogs are out here working some amazing outfits I definitely am going to cop later. Those “don’t touch me” and “I’m nervous” are the only ones we want to wear for the rest of our lives.
A Group Of Four Men Is Called A 4Chan
Nothing against Reddit, but there are some subreddits that no woman have ever dared to venture across. Just the thought of crossing the barren incel landscape of the vintage subs makes us hold our purse tightly and change to a gender-neutral username.
The Real Reason He Took 28 Days To Respond To Your Text
Can we talk about it? Let’s talk about it. A whole lot of men need to put down their four-in-one body wash, face wash, shampoo, and windshield wiper fluid and realize that they have hair on their heads that needs some TLC just like women.
Just Because You Have Opinions About Politics, Vonnegut, And Chill-Hop Doesn’t Mean You Should Start A Podcast
No offense to any gender, but just because you have opinions doesn’t mean that you need to be creating a 30-50 minute weekly web show about them. We do envy the confidence of thinking that they should though.
If Headlines Were Female-Centric
Gotta love a media world where the manly men rule and the time Michael Phelps tied for silver got larger font in the paper than the female swimmer breaking the world record. What’s her name? We couldn’t see it because the font size was so small.
How Do Guys Just?? Leave The House??
Yet they do this and then ask you to carry their water bottle and their phone in your purse. I’m sorry, the agreed-upon trade was tiny pants pockets for women so we had to go out and buy purses. You can’t colonize the purse territory too.
Hi Beautiful, Maybe You Didn’t See Me Super-like You On Tinder
There is literally nothing creepier than swiping left on a dude on Tinder only to have them pop into your Instagram DM’s and act like that’s normal. No sir, your detective skills do not turn my “no” into a “yes.”
The Dude Who’s The Walking Constitution
We’ve all been at a party or a get-together when some guy has brought up his take on why women shouldn’t have rights. Then his PC buddy says, “no no, they deserve rights just different rights,” then we all die inside. Lol do you remember that fun time?
Girls Can’t Like That Because Guys Already Claimed It
Thank God for male expert opinions on anything sports, politics, or science-related because without it we’d all be caught lost up the creek without a paddle. Can someone call their dad for me? I want to change the oil in my car but I need an eighth opinion.
Ah, The Old Heffner Scenario
We’ve all met a Blermp at some point in our lives. Maybe we are even the Blermp. But Blermp always seems to end up with Ashley from highschool doesn’t he?
It’s Taken 70 Years, But Male Birth Control Is Here And We’re Gel-ous
Yeah for sure science, release birth control for women for 70 years that carries a high risk of mental health, skin, and organ issues and offer no painless alternative and then release a gel for male birth control. The future is here and we’re frothing at the mouth about it.
Don’t Hate The Player, Hate The Patriarchy That Made Him That Way
We’re out here roasting these mans on the internet but their wild behavior isn’t all their fault. Who’s really to blame is that big ol’ patriarchy that looms over us all and makes us look at jellyfish and think “accurate.”
Women Who Were Cheated On Have The Memory Of Elephants
There’s no statute of limitations on cheating on your significant other, so you know they’ll be bringing that up to win every argument. Ask them to take the garbage out? Well, you kissed another woman in 1995 so it’s your turn.
Her Name Was Belle For Crying Out Loud
So, in Beauty and the Beast a beautiful girl, she’s literally named “beautiful,” has her father captured, is imprisoned herself, and then develops Stockholm syndrome for the guy who did it and we’re just not going to talk about that? I mean, at least Gaston didn’t make her move towns.
Meet My Son, Myself Jr. The Third
We can play the “which gender is the most narcissistic” game all day long. Women spend more money on clothes and makeup, but guys spend more money on cars and protein powder. We all love ourselves.
The Men’s Deodorant Aisle Is Like Scrolling Through A Spike TV Channel Guide
We’ve all heard of pink tax and how it makes women pay more for the same products as men. But honestly, I’d rather pay pink tax than buy some body wash called “shark’s breath” and see what happens with my day.
It’s The Thrill Of The Chase That Keeps Us Coming Back Amirite Ladies
We complain about male shenanigans but really, we’re just out here compiling some criteria about what personality traits we’re avoiding in men. The right guy is out there, he just can’t refer to mint chocolate chip ice cream as “gum” flavored.
The Only Acceptable Response To “You Look Better Without Makeup”
Being a woman in the 21st century means you have to have an arsenal of witty comebacks for all the garbage things men say to you. When he tells you to “smile more,” pop in the gold grill and ask his broke self to repeat that to your face.
Live, Love, Let The Internet Trolls Know About The Wonders Of Modern Technology
If you’re a woman with opinions on the internet, get ready to defend those against a barrage of nasty insults. We’re all case studies in how many times a person can be told to “go make me a sandwich” before they quit carbs altogether.
The Hubby The Ham
We’ve found it, the perfect insult and we can all thank loud public transit conversations for it. We’re all very thankful and very jealous because the only public transit conversations we ever hear involve a lot more yelling and a lot less creative use of the English language.
Your Career Pales In Comparison To The Ol’ Male Expert Opinion
You ever go to a concert, meet the band, and have the guy that you’re with explain and suggest musicians to the band in their own genre that they’ve already heard of? I know I’m not the only one.
Correlation? Causation? Both??
History hopefully won’t repeat itself, but unfortunately, our dating history definitely does. We say we don’t have a type, but we keep going back to the same kind of guy who makes our blood boil. I’m thinking I’m just into arguing and getting emotionally drained.
*Explains Female Anatomy For The 18th Time This Month To An Adult Male*
From now on, when a guy asks you a question about the female anatomy that was definitely answered at some point between the fifth and seventh grade in health class, just hit him with the “I don’t know.” It’s too much energy and maybe he’ll discover on his own what you both wish he would.
Boys Can Have Long Hair Too, Sir
Welcome to modern living where both men and women can have multiple lengths of their hair! It’s a crazy new world that we’re living in and it can be confusing at times, but all you need to do is look at Instagram once and you’ll get it.
The Guy Who Stunted On His Dog Walk
We’re all out here living our best lives and trying to convince our social media followers that’s the truth. We’re all still posting those old photos from that one camping trip with the tag #wanderlust while not leaving our houses for a week. This dog walker just took it to a new level.
Does Your Day To Night Dress Match Your Day To Night Makeup Look?
Why is every women’s magazine out here trying to make us women lose time, energy, and money by marketing the elusive “day to night” look for everything from skirts to hair? Men can just roll out of bed and there it is, 24-hour wearability.
Anything, Even Deep-Seated Issues, Can Be A Pick Up Line
When every guy gets his first cell phone he should also get a manual on how to text women. A couple no no’s would be turning a mundane personal issue into a pick up line, like a grocery trip or a therapy session.
For Every Guy Who Hated The Wonder Woman Movie
Lady superheroes just can’t be as great as the male superheroes, and that’s just a fact. They’re not out here moving buildings and throwing cars because they actually take property damages, civil lawsuits, and public taxpayer dollars into consideration.