These Chaotic Disasters We Call People Are Giving Off Some Big Mess Energy
If I had to break down my personal state of existence, I think I would be 80% chaos, 15% crying, and 5% easily tempted by peer pressure. It's not like I'm trying to make my life as chaotic as possible, but drama just seems to find me, and it can't possibly be my fault.
These people know the eternal struggle that comes with being an absolute mess, and it's giving me the confidence to double text that guy I met at the bar 6 months ago.
I Believed, But I Did Not Achieve
I would like to formally apologize to my mother for who I was in high school and who I continue to be this day. What is a curfew? I'm stumbling up the stairs with guac in my hair at 5 a.m.
This Is Not What We Intended
I never plan to get so out of line crazy when I start my night, but going out with my girl squad is an echo chamber of us encouraging each other to do the dumb thing.
I'm Serving "Hungover Chic" On The Runway We Call Life
One time I had to go for brunch to meet a guy's parents and his mom asked me about the "tattoo on my hand, but it was just the leftover smeared stamp from when I left the club at 1:48 a.m.
Rock Bottom? Yeah, I Live There
From the moment I fell out of the womb, my life has just been a long series of bad choices, messy actions, and then having to accept what an absolute wreck I am.
Please Let Her Hate Him!
Listen: I want all of the happiness and blessings possible for my friends, but I also need someone who's willing to drop it low on the dance floor and then make out with a stranger alongside me.
My Bank Account Wants To Give Me A Restraining Order
I'll try to be responsible and restrict how much I spend on a night out, but by the end I've spent $150 on fruity shots and a sidewalk hotdog.
As The Chainsmokers Said: "If We Go Down, Then We Go Down Together"
It's not enough for me to just ruin my own life—I also have to extend my chaos and let it infiltrate all of my friends' lives as well. Wake up, I have tequila shots.
Smile Through The Disaster!!
You could open up to other people or consider speaking to a professional about your personal problems, or you could make a joke out of everything and toss up the peace sign. I'm not saying it's healthy, I'm just saying it works.
FUNemployment Is A Mood
Some people would use their period of time out of work to build new skills or do enriching activities, but whenever I'm unemployed I'm drinking sangria on a patio at noon to kick off my day.
I Hope She Never Finds Out
My speciality in college was sending my mom an "I'm heading to bed for the night. I love you!" at 11:30 p.m. while waiting for my friend to grab the funnel and a bottle of cheap wine after I'm already wasted.
Anyone Wanna Go Half-sies On A Marriage?
My first marriage will be for fun. My second marriage will be for money. My third marriage will probably also be for money. My fourth marriage will definitely be for the health insurance after my life of chaos finally catches up to me.
Work Me Is So Fake, I Love Her
The "work" version of me is a totally different person than my "out of work" and "weekend" selves. "Work me" is so fake and annoying, and I hate her, but she funds the other versions of me's bad decisions.
Consistency? Sorry, I've Never Met Her
I wish that I had some sort of base standards for anything in my life, but I have no precedent for behavior. Sometimes I'll only accept gourmet, and other times I'm good with eating three-day-old Cheetos from my bedroom floor.
I Only Go Full-Speed, Baby
Oh, you thought I was just toying with the idea? You think you can cancel? Bruh, I am here; let me in and venmo me $15 for the Uber ride.
"Omg Look At All These Guys! Why Are They Like This? Aha"
Is it a good idea to send out thirst traps in a clear attempt to fish for compliments, attention, and validation that I'm hot? Who cares: I'm going to do it anyway.
Day Drinking Is A Good Idea Until It Isn't
Tailgates, St. Patrick's Day, Fourth of July—there are few things I love more than an excuse to start knocking back cheap beer at 9 am without any regard for my functionality later on in the day.
If You See Me Looking Like This, Mind Your Business
This distinctly reminds me of the time that I was standing in a grimy pizza place with a black eye at 3:30 am, too drunk to probably read the menu board while my friend gave her number to a guy because his name was "Nick" and she's "Nicole". Don't look at me.
The Only Thing That Can Stop Us Is Cold Weather
Even though Cardi B once advised us to disregard the cold and keep up our chaos, winter tames me from a bar star into a blanket burrito who never leaves the bed. Catch me in spring though...
"One Drink" Are Famous Last Words
It seems so innocent—"Just come out for one drink! It will be chill!" Next thing I know, it's three in the morning on Wednesday and I'm puking into my sink because my roommate is throwing up into the toilet.
The Prodigal Hot Mess Returns
Whenever I get into a relationship, I become this mushy, soft person who likes to be calm. After a breakup, I lose five pounds, redownload Tinder, and bring back my full-tilt chaotic personality.
