The internet isn’t the place you thought you understood anymore and that’s totally okay. You’ve gone online and seen all these quizzes and Instagram models rocking the “pastel goth” aesthetic, whatever that is, and commenting sksksksk on everything and maybe you’re feeling overwhelmed. Take my hand because you’re not alone in this bizarre world.
We are so far past hipsters, punks, and goths now that the new people baby boomers are shaking their fists at are teens wearing Nike Air Force ones everywhere. So let’s embrace new horizons together, starting with sussing out what exactly’s so great about Nalgene.
The VSCO Girl
She’s like the “girl next door” except she’s actually at that cute little coffee place with paper straws you’ve never heard of. She’s all about spreading positivity, saving the bees, wearing fleece, and tweeting about her depression in a funny cute way.
“Sksksksksk” And Why It’s Bible
VSCO girls have catchphrases like every denomination of hipster. Punks said “down with the system” goths said “death becomes her” and VSCO girls say “sksksksk.” Nobody really knows what it means but that’s why it’s so powerful. Sksksksk to your expectations of the English language.
She’s Gotta Have The App Or It’s A No Deal
The most essential part of being a VSCO girl is having the VSCO photo editing app on your phone and that’s that on that. Furthermore, if she’s not paying for premium filters like UI then she’s stuck on basic level and might as well just be using the Instagram presets.
She’s Got Her Fjallraven Kanken Backpack To Carry The Weight Of The Internet’s Expectations
If you’re still thinking Jansport backpacks are where it’s at then you need to reevaluate because VSCO girls carry Fjallraven Kanken. They’re not the standard black issue either — she’s vibing with the pastel oranges and pinks because she needs to stand out against the brick walls she’s sitting down in front of for Instagram.
Birkenstocks, Not Just For Hippies Anymore
The VSCO girl has really breathed new life into the tired trend that was Birkenstocks by making them a thing. She can even wear them with white Nike tube socks too just to come for the weekend dad’s socks with sandals energy. Level up Steve.
It’s Either Vans Slides, Birkenstocks, Converse, Or Air Force Ones
The VSCO girl has four shoe options and that is it my dudes. If she’s invited to your wedding you better prepare yourself to bear witness to the formal converse. They’re white so obviously they’re for special occasions.
Mario Badescu Should Thank These VSCO Girls
No offense, but Mario Badescu really owes like 95% of its profits to VSCO girls because before they got absolutely hooked on his rosewater spray that product was the thing your grandmother gave you at Christmas. Does it work? Who cares. It just supplies that satisfying “sksksksk” sound when you spray it.
If She’s Got Her Nalegene Or Hydroflask Then She’s Ready For Anything
A huge status symbol for the VSCO girl is having a Nalgene or Hydro Flask water bottle because where else is she going to put her stickers from that summer she hiked in the Rockies? She can’t just expect you to understand her very adventurous life just by looking at her Insta… you’ve got to witness the water bottle.
She Uses Metal Straws Because Duh Save The Turtles
Even though the VSCO girl is basically a consumerist dream, her one firm stance on plastic comes in the form of the metal straw she carries in her Fjallraven Kanken. She forgets it half the time but did you see the video of the turtle with the nose straw? Nasty.
A VSCO Girl Gains Power From Every Scrunchie
Part of being a VSCO girl means you’re always on the go and ready for adorable summer adventures with your besties. Even though she absolutely thrives in the summer, her hair doesn’t like the humidity so she has to have a minimum of three scrunchies on her wrist. Any less and she can’t get an acai bowl tonight.
E-Boys Listened To Mr. Brightside Ten Years After It Came Out
E-boys are basically the punk-ish aesthetic male equivalent to VSCO girls and I stand by that statement. They’re kinda soft, but they’ve read some Nietsche quotes and loved Pulp Fiction so don’t you dare insult their Insta and TikTok feed because they’re sensitive intellectuals.
E-Boys Live And Breathe Dickies Pants
Who said Dickies were just for working dudes anyway? E-Boys have successfully incorporated the black and beige Dickies into their uniform of choice. Obviously they roll them at the ankle because they’re not trying to actually work a shift over here and you need to see these kicks.
An E-Boy Cannot Be Cold
E-Boys are very sensitive to the cold which is why they’re all about layering their Metallica, Fullmetal Alchemist, and Kill Bill T-shirts with some stripey or black turtlenecks underneath. He’s cultured but he also takes care of himself and we respect that.
An E-Boy Always Tucks In His Shirt Because Otherwise He Falls Apart
The e-boy is out here tucking in his shirts because he’s done fooling around. You need to see that he’s a responsible guy who belts his Dickies and that he’s not afraid to jump into a trend that used to be known as lame. Like the VSCO girls’ Birkenstocks, he’s breathing new life into old fashion.
Don’t Recommend Him Music Because Thank You, He Already Has Some
The E-boy is here listening to Frank Ocean, Brock Hamptom, Mac DeMarco, Tyler the Creator, and all the curated lofi playlists on Spotify so he doesn’t need your outdated suggestions. If he can’t sit and stare into the sunset listening to from his basement window he’s not interested in it.
Buckets, On Buckets, On Buckets
Bucket hats may have been the thing for hippies ten years ago, but e-boys have decided that this was the trend they were hopping onto hard. He doesn’t leave his house without his bucket hat so we actually have no idea what his forehead looks like.
His Hair Is Parted Down The Middle For The Vibes
Think 90’s male mop tops that are parted down the middle and you’ve got yourself an e-boy classic. It’s the slight wave to those locks that make him look like he spent no time at all on them, but really we all know he got a perm or at least a blow-out. We see you at the salon.
The E-Boy Loves His Rings
The e-boy maybe doesn’t have much money because he’s super young, so he gets his drip drip from Claires like the rest of us. He’s pairing his black and holographic green rings with black nail polish because he’s not afraid to stand up to gender norms. That’s the kind of ice-flex we heavily support.
The No Sleep Gang
The e-boy is a founding and established member of the no sleep gang because he’s just got too much on his mind. He’s out here thinking about people, relationships, and the price of black nail polish and it’s got him so keyed up that not even his black trenta iced-coffee from Starbucks can calm him down.
The VSCO Girl Has Her Hydro Flask, The E-Boy Has His Air Pods
Listen, the e-boy is all about flexing on us with the latest knowledge and tech gear, so obviously he’s got his airpods in. They’re just better. Just like he’s better than all of us.
The Soft Boi Will Ask You About Your Day Before Asking For A $20
If you’ve never heard of a soft boi just go on any dating app, pick out a Chad or a Brad, and then imagine them with a decent taste in music and a picture in a 7/11 parking lot at three am. The soft boy is edgy, sensitive, and gets close to you before ghosting you after two weeks for someone named Maria. It’s happened to all of us.
The Soft Boi Watches Adult Videos For The Cinematography
The soft boi is an intellectual who’s favorite movie is Fight Club because it’s just metaphysical enough to justify the angst he feels inside every waking moment. He’s not afraid to share his thought with you about films and literature, and explain to your small brain why Inception’s ending hit everyone so differently.
He’s Like The Big Brother You Never Asked For
Soft bois are known to be condescending, but that’s only because they care about you. They want you to do stuff like drink water, go outside, and listen to classical music, and even though you’ve never heard of any of that he’ll be there to guide you through it.
He’s Always Gonna Tell You The Tough Truths
The soft boi is there to gently lead you through the dark times with his hard-hitting truths that you’ll never fully understand. It’s hard being right and breaking the news to people all the time, but hey, the soft boi will go to bat for you.
A Soft Girl Literally Cannot Relate To The Soft Boi
The soft girl is like the slightly more pink version of the VSCO girl and she’s not at all like her male soft counterpart. She’s not out here reading Durkheim and crying about male privilege in bed like he is. Instead, she’s drawing hearts on her binders. Cuuttteee.
The Soft Girl Loves Her Clips
If you’ve seen a girl rocking some major hair headgear and some huge clips then you’ve definitely seen a soft girl. She’s our DIY accessory queen and will not hesitate to clip something in there that sparkles.
UWU And Why You Need To Know It
Like sksksksk “uwu” is the soft girl’s go-to for expressions. It’s a bit of a catch-all that really captures the tender feelings her heart is producing in the moment. She’s going to say it when she sees a cute dog, a kiss-scene in a movie, and the color yellow.
If You’re Wondering Who Started The Succulent Trend, Here She Is
The soft girl is like the classic hipster “plant mom” except she doesn’t really get into those plants that actually require attention. She mainly dabbles with easy succulents, air plants, and cactuses because she’s not sure if she can keep anything from dying. That would be way too heavy of an “uwu” for her heart.
She’s Got A Yellow Raincoat So She Can Always Be Sunny
The soft girl likes art and nature so much that nothing will stop her from following those two passions. If it’s raining outside she’s not about to sit at home and not get inspiration for her next rainbow doodle, so she slaps on her yellow raincoat and heads out.
If You’ve Ever Actually Wondered Who’s Reading Rupi Kaur
You might’ve seen Rupi Kaur’s poetry on the internet and if you did then you were definitely visiting a Tumblr blog run by a soft girl. Kaur just speaks to the sensitive unique thoughts these masses are having and she can definitely thank them for 95% of her book sales.